A little of this and a whole lot of that

Five days. That's how many until my surgery. When my surgery was scheduled a month ago (canceled due to snow), I didn't feel any type of way about it. I was more so looking forward to it. Now, for whatever reason, I am freaking out. I felt more prepared a month ago at work. 

Work is a tornado just waiting to touch down before we can start to clean up. We hired a girl who lasted seven days. Now we have another girl leaving who does the same thing I do. She has been there for years too. It's a lot for the rest of us. As the saying goes, "it is what it is." I can't push my surgery out just because it's not a good time. It's never going to be a good time. 

When COVID hit, so many employers made it possible for their employees to work from home. As it turns out, a lot of employers/employees found they could just as easily work from home. When it was time to return to the office, employees fought to continue to work from home. It saved on gas and for some, hours of commuting. For some, it helped with anxiety and depression. For others, it made their anxiety and depression worse. You see a lot of employers now advertising with options to work remotely.

At my job, we worked from home for two months. Being the homebody I am, I thought this would be a dream come true. Turns out, it wasn't. Being alone more than what I already am was not a good thing for me. It became so easy to stay home in solitude that when I did go out, it was extremely overwhelming.

I am going somewhere with this...I promise. 

The job market is terrible right now where I live and, perhaps, all over. The responses we are getting from our job ads are horrendous. It's a combination of people just applying for any job so they can report it to unemployment; and, people who just need any job they can find. I have looked at resumes to help in the hiring process. Most of the resumes I have seen, I don't even get past the introduction. Mainly because the resumes are too busy or, despite the qualifications required in our ads, I am not seeing anyone who can fulfill those qualifications. The next hurdle is getting someone who dresses appropriately for an interview. One interviewee we had, showed up in leggings, tennis shoes, and I believe a zip-up hoodie. Her hair didn't appear to have been brushed and it was hot pink. 

I am definitely old school when it comes to showing up for an interview. I want to see a folder with extra copies of your resume and references. I want to see appropriate attire and manners. I have eight piercings in my ears and an almost completed tattoo sleeve. Most of the people I work with have tattoos and some have their nose pierced. When you are trying to get a job in a professional office, present yourself accordingly.

We had a meeting on Friday at work and it was discussed that some changes could be made in the future. i.e. the option to work from home (not just during a pandemic). It is also my understanding there have been negotiations in order to keep employees. So, I ask this. Where do employers draw that fine line? As I mentioned, the job market is terrible and is evident by the resumes I have seen. Do you accommodate your employees in order to keep them? If so, how far do you go? Or, do you continue business as usual and lose those employees? For instance, I had a discussion with a co-worker last week about the benefits we are provided. A single co-worker, such as myself, with no dependents, has free health insurance. You get two weeks of vacation until you've worked five calendar years and then you move to three weeks. We can make up time if we're going to a doctors appointment, etc. so that we do not have to use our vacation. We get major holidays off. Bonuses are not promised, but typically happen at the end of the year. There is no 401K. My argument was that if you are not happy with the benefits we do have, then leave. His argument is that the times are changing and other employers are advertising benefits we do not have. If they want to keep us, they will need to make some changes. 

I see both sides of the argument. I just am more of the mindset that if I am taking care of myself with the benefits given to me and I am happy, who cares what others are getting? If there comes a time when that all changes, I will look elsewhere. I understand negotiating pay and time off work. I don't understand the rest. 

Curious what others think of this, especially employers. 

When it comes to any type of relationship (friendship or romantic), is it reasonable to expect, want, or need reassurance? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When I look at the words, expect, want, or need, I think I answered my own question. I don't expect or want reassurance from any relationship in my life. I only need it when the relationship is giving me doubt. Never mind. I answered my own question. 

Three Day Weekend

Typically, my work does not close on President's Day but with all of the changes we have had, the boss decided to give us the day off. I knew I couldn't sit at home for three days and with it being winter, there are slim pickings. A one-day road trip sounded like a good idea. My first choices are always going to be Chicago or Michigan. I didn't want to drive the three hours to Chicago and spend an ungodly amount for parking. I thought about going to the outlet mall in Michigan City and taking a detour to St. Joe Michigan to eat at my favorite brewery. Simplicity was what I was looking for. I wanted to be back in time to watch the NBA All-Star activities too. I decided to go to Indianapolis and walk around the mall and go to some stores we don't have here. 

Saturday, I got up and just putzed around the house. I figured I'd leave around 11:30. From the time I woke up until I left, I had an internal argument going on in my head about whether I should go. I do this every time I plan on going out of town by myself. Even the Saturdays when I am going to the beach which is literally my favorite place. It starts with, "Just stay home. You don't need to go anywhere." "What if I get into a car accident?" "I should probably invite someone to go with me." (i.e. mom, nieces, sister) "I should probably tell my parents I am going." "No, they'll see it on Find Friends and just text me and ask me what I am doing." (Or, in this instance, your sister will text you.) "I need to make sure I am back at a good time." (Um, why?) "Your anxiety can't handle this." "Ok. I showered. That's a start." "Your hair and makeup are done so we're doing this." 

Shit is exhausting. 

I will say that 20 years ago I would have never thought about going on a road trip by myself. Mainly, because there was a 50/50 chance the MapQuest directions that you printed would get you to where you wanted to go. I am extremely grateful for being able to take these roadtrips in a reliable car and for navigation. 

I grabbed some snacks, made coffee, and turned on some Biggie and Tupac and headed to Indianapolis. I walked around the Castleton mall and then stopped at Nordstrom Rack which I had never been to. I thought about going into The Container Store but I figured that could be dangerous for me. It's a dream store for anyone who likes to organize. I thought about coming home until I realized The Fashion Mall was just down the street. It has a Saks which I had never been to. I had this perception that when I walked into Saks, I would be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman walking into stores on Rodeo Drive. I was wrong. The store was kind of dirty and did not have a lot of merchandise. The smell of weed when I walked in was so overpowering. Do people know they smell? I always wonder. The entrance I went into had shoes and designer bags. I will admit that seeing the Gucci, Chloe, and Saint Laurent bags was pretty cool. I walked over to the shoes and saw the wall with the Louboutin shoes. I have never seen a pair in person. In my mind, an alarm was going to go off when I got close to them. I imagined one of the sales associates coming up to me and telling me not to touch them. These shoes are famously known as "red bottoms" and typically start around $650. And, yes, I want a pair (size 7.5 wink wink). 

I walked through a few other stores in The Fashion Mall but quickly had an overwhelming feeling to get back to my car. There were a lot of people, not a lot of stores, and nothing that peeked my interest. I might have liked walking through Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn, but I was getting tired and my anxiety was running the show. I was down there for about 4-4.5 hours. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular and I didn't buy anything. It was just more so going into stores that we don't have here.

I have never been a fan of Indianapolis. It doesn't bring me joy like Chicago and Michigan. Indianapolis to me is where Joey had his transplant and where he passed away. I definitely did my fair share of clubbing with college girlfriends in Broadripple. Those nights typically turned into my babysitting my friends and being DD. I won't say we didn't have fun. We did. But I have happier memories of clubbing in Fort Wayne. I can drive through the city of Chicago and not get lost. If I drive through Indianapolis to get downtown, I always get lost (even with navigation). The traffic is horrendous too. 

I'll take the day as a win for getting out of the house alone and going somewhere out of my comfort zone. 

My surgery is 10-days away. For whatever reason, I feel nervous this time. Before it was canceled due to the snow, I didn't really feel anyway about it. I am ready to get the feeling back into my arms and not hurt. 

Snowmageddon 2022

The midwest has not had much snow this year. The predictions started coming in last week that we would get hit with a lot of snow this week. Tuesday, around 2:30 p.m., the County decided to close on Wednesday due to the impending snow. My office then followed suit and notified us that we too, would be closed on Wednesday. I had to finish up everything I had planned to do on Wednesday at work before being off for surgery. That was a success! I actually thought I'd be working late. 

Yesterday evening, I got a call from a local number. I answered only because I wasn't sure if someone I knew had gotten stuck in the snow or in an accident and was using a different phone. It was some guy wanting to know if I wanted to sell my house. Anyone else getting these calls or texts? I get text messages all the time asking what my plans are with my house. Got one today in fact. How the hell do they get my cell phone number? My phone rang again at about 7:20 p.m. I didn't answer it because I figured it was someone else calling about buying my house. Voice mail notification went off. It was the hospital calling to tell me my surgery for today was canceled because the county I live in went under a warning travel advisory. Meaning that only emergency personnel on the roads.

So much preparation went into my surgery. I had to have labs done which I'll probably have to redo for the anesthesiologist. Notifying everyone at work that I would be off including co-workers, opposing counsel, and most importantly clients. I sent me legal assistant a very detailed email with the status on cases and what I needed her to help with while I was out. Had to check-in with my boss to make sure he had what he needed. I just wanted to make sure I did everything I could to make it easier for others while I would be out. 

Yesterday, I spent the day cleaning bathrooms, mopping, washed all of my bedding, and other odds and ends things around the house. Earlier in the week, I made sure I stocked up on stuff I would need at home like cat food, coffee creamer (most important), and prescriptions. I coordinated with family who would take me to the hospital. I was having one of my nieces stay with me the first night. My dad made me the biggest batch of potato soup. A girl at work made me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Both of which I'll be freezing for when I do have surgery. 

Most importantly throughout all of this prepping, was my mental state. I wanted to get this done so I could feel better and not be in pain. 

The county was still under a warning advisory for traveling until 3:00 p.m. today. The doctor's office should be back open tomorrow. If they don't reach out to me, I'll call and see how soon I can get the surgery rescheduled. Fingers crossed it's soon! I don't want to be healing when it's nice outside and wanting to be at the beach. 

I'm not sure how much snow we've gotten at this point. If I had to guess it is 8-10 inches. 

Picture of my backyard.

Relatable

A client called me yesterday to discuss her case. We went over the litigation process. I explained what happens after we file the lawsuit and that during the discovery phase, we will answer interrogatories and request for production of documents. I told her opposing counsel may want to take her deposition. I went over the bodily injury limits the Defendant has and the possibility of using her underinsured motorist limits on her policy. I explained that it was premature to evaluate the value of her case since we are still in the early stages of litigation. She said she was asking all of these questions regarding policy limits and the attorney fee because she will possibly have to have a second surgery and will need to hire an aid to come in and help her. She started to tear up and said that she didn't have any friends or family to help and then she said, "I don't have a boyfriend." My heart broke for her. She said, "I have no one." 

In the seconds before I responded, I was grateful that I do have friends and family who are going to be around to help next week after my surgery. I've also never related more to someone. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I miss the days where you could pick up the phone and make last minute plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner. Now, you have to wait until everyone checks their calendar and by the time a date matches up, it's two months later. 

What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am so sick and fucking tired of people thinking they understand what it is like for me to be alone all of the time. Actually, I don't even think people try to put themselves in my shoes. They just brush whatever I say under the rug. People don't know that on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. Screaming for help. Screaming for this  feeling to finally fucking end. 

Pre-Surgery

When I decided it was time to proceed with a cervical disc replacement, I was given the option to be in a study. The study is for an artificial cervical disc replacement that is not yet approved by the FDA. It has been used in England for ten years. I will not know if I am in the study until my first follow-up appointment. It's randomized who gets put into the study but I am told I have a 60% chance. The study will last for seven years. I will have yearly follow-up appointments. I will get paid for my time, mileage, and expense of the follow-up appointments. 

I got a call from the coordinator and scheduled an appointment. I had to get new x-rays. I answered questions about my pain and how it effects my life. 

Now that surgery is scheduled for February 3rd, I had to do pre-surgery labs. The nurse who did my labs was so nice and a pro at drawing blood. She went over a few items with me including taking a shower the night before and having to use these wipes afterwards that helps with bacteria. She said that should I have a fever above 99, I should call the doctor or if I see anything odd coming from my incision to call the doctor. That seems to be pretty standard for any surgery. The nurse said that my doctor had ordered me to take home a lunger exerciser device. If you have never seen one, you breathe into a tube to see how far up you can push the ball. She wasn't sure why he was having me take one home, but nonetheless, she gave it to me. She asked me if I had ever seen one before and I said yes. She asked me if I knew how to use it and I said yes. I explained that my best friend had Cystic Fibrosis and he had to use one all of the time. Seeing this device was awfully triggering. I just put it out of my mind and moved on. 

I got home from work that evening and brought the reusable bag in the nurse had given me with everything inside. I hung the bag from the kitchen table chair but not before I made sure the device was at the bottom and covered up. I could not bare to see that sitting around like I used to see it sitting around Joey's house or seeing it at the hospital.

Now I wait until February 3rd. Stay tuned. 

Join Me On This Journey, Will You?

Surgery. That's how I will be bringing in the month of February. I have never had surgery besides my wisdom teeth being pulled.

Couple of reasons why I want to document this journey for myself. 

1. There is a 60% chance I will end up in a study for a new disc replacement. I want to have a place to go back and refresh my memory on how I felt before and after surgery. I already know that should I get into the study, I will have follow-up appointments for seven years.
2. My job. I work in personal injury and I see my clients going through exactly what I am going through. If I can help someone else through the process of a disc replacement, I want to be able to look back and refresh my memory so I can give them as much useful information as I can. 
3. For me. I know I will need to write and get my thoughts out. 

Lets start from the beginning, shall we? 

According to my medical records, my first appointment was April 26, 2019. Out of know where, I began experiencing tingling from my shoulders down to my wrists (bilaterally). I recall telling a girlfriend at work that I was scared because I had never had this sensation before. You know when your foot falls asleep and you get that tingling sensation? That's how both of my arms felt. I don't recall having much pain at this point. My family doctor prescribed steroids. I honestly thought it would help. I had taken steroids in the past for pinched nerves. Steroids proved to do absolutely nothing. 

On September 3, 2019, I had my first MRI of my cervical spine.

I was referred to a neurosurgeon. There's a good chance if you ask anyone in my area which neurosurgeon to see, they will mention this doctor. 

The neurosurgeon was certain it was carpel tunnel. I, however, was not convinced. Carpel tunnel in both my arms and from my shoulders down to my wrists? He ordered an Electromyography (EMG). This test is used to detect neuromuscular abnormalities. You're stuck with needles so that an electrical current can be sent causing a twinge or spasm. When your arms already feel like they are asleep, this test certainly does not help. The neurologist who did the test told me before I left that she found no signs of carpel tunnel in either hand/arm. 

My follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon was not what I expected especially from a doctor who is highly recommended. He confirmed I didn't have carpel tunnel. He reviewed the film from my MRI. He said my neck was definitely something to keep an eye on, but that I was too young for surgery. I asked him what now? In short, he said because I didn't have carpel tunnel, there was nothing more he could do. 

I followed up with my family doctor on November 18, 2019. The note from this visit states that the neurosurgeon had reviewed my film and felt that the issues I was having was not related to my neck, but carpal tunnel. However, he sent me for an EMG and surprisingly, it was completely normal. He goes on to say that I am frustrated and not sure where to turn next. 

I started my first round of physical therapy on December 10, 2019. Physical therapy turned into a place for me to go to simply get relief for 45mins. They would do anything that made me feel good. I recall being in the most pain during this time. Perhaps the symptoms were so new that I was unable to tolerate the pain as well as I do now. I had massages, my back cracked, tens unit, scrapping (helps reduce inflammation and increase blood flow), and cupping. My physical therapy ended up being derailed because of COVID, but to be honest, it wasn't helping. 

On March 3, 2020, I saw another neurologist. I won't go into detail about this appointment because it was nothing short of a waste of my time. The doctor walked in and said, "so, why are you here?" 

I was then referred to pain management. I essentially picked the provider I wanted to see based on what I had read from my client's medical records. I first saw pain management on August 17, 2020. Another appointment gone wrong. The appointment was at 8:00 a.m. The doctor appeared to be running behind already. He didn't really listen to what I was saying. He was quick to order pain medication (which I didn't even need because my family doctor had prescribed a nerve medication for me already). Naturally, I was then asked to give a urine sample since I would be taking pain medication. I didn't know beforehand that I would be required to give a urine sample so naturally at 8:00 a.m. I had no sample to give. I was treated like a drug addict. The medical assistant made it seem like I was not peeing enough on purpose. She told me to go sit in a room and gave me a cup of water. I then tried again. The sample was less than the first time. Do they combine them together? Nope. You start over. She told me to go sit in the room again and that she would be going across the hall to explain the situation to the doctor and his staff. It was as if I was a child disobeying. She brought in a swab for me to stick in my mouth and suck on. You had to get enough saliva on it to turn the swab blue. I'm not a doctor, but if I don't have enough urine to give, I am probably not going to be able to produce enough saliva. That was the case. I ended up swishing my mouth around and around spitting on the swab over and over until it finally turned blue. It was one of those moments where you don't even know how you got into that situation. Naturally, I never went back to his office. 

I then saw a new pain management doctor at a different facility. I had an epidural steroid injection into my neck on October 5, 2020. You are awake during the injection, but are heavily sedated with pain medication. It takes maybe 20-30 seconds for the injection. There is a lot of pressure in the area when it is injected. Not comfortable, but not unbearable. The only benefit I got from this was the relief I got from the drugs before the injection. 

After speaking with a few friends, I thought I would give dry needling a shot. I asked my family doctor to refer me back to physical therapy. I started my second round of physical therapy on January 21, 2021. The first round of dry needling seemed to really help. That was the only time I got relief. We tried it multiple times but physical therapy turned back into what will provide me relief for 45 minutes and we will do that. The therapist wanted me to work on strengthening. We attempted to lift some weights and workout. Very light weights at that. Each time I tried to workout, feelings that I was not aware I even had came out. I would immediately start crying. It was so upsetting to me that I had been lifting weights, running, and boxing and now I could barely lift a 5lb weight. For the first time in my life with me being 39 and my dad being 70, I was able to be as strong as him while pulling tons of leaves from my backyard to the front just two years prior. Now, I couldn't lift a 5lb weight without crying. I stayed late one night after therapy and had a roundtable talk with two therapists. We wondered if I started exercising first when I got to therapy and ended with whatever would make me feel better; we could "trick" my mind into not believing that whatever exercise I was doing was not going to result in more pain and discomfort. I didn't complete all of my physical therapy. I was discharged early for making no progress.

On April 22, 2021, I had a zoom appointment with another neuro doctor. Nothing came from that appointment other than what I already knew. 

Other treatment I tried was Non-Steroid Anti-Inflammatory Drug (NSAIDs) to help with inflammation. It seemed to help. However, I ended up with an ulcer. It was so bad I had my sister turn around and take me home as we were on our way to shop for Black Friday. It is my families tradition to do that with all of us girls. 

Since the NSAIDs seemed to help, it was suggested I use the topical form. I tried that but it didn't work. 

I did a few rounds of chiropractic treatment. He was more concerned about what I was eating that could be causing inflammation than anything. I'm not saying he is wrong, I just didn't want to be lectured every time about what it was I was eating or not eating. 

I tried essential oils. No relief. 

I went to the CBD store and started off with lotion. That did seem to help a bit. I ended up breaking out in a rash though. I got CBD oil drops to take and even gummies. No relief. Lastly, I tried a CBD vape. I have tried most of them that they have, all of which help with pain and inflammation. I have found one that seems to help some. Not much, but some. 

The only thing that has gotten me through is bi-weekly deep tissue massages. Albeit an expensive treatment, it is is so worth it. I absolutely love my massage therapist. It blows my mind that she can always tell what parts of my body need more attention. It's 75 mins of pure bliss.

What has not worked for me, may work for someone else. I encourage anyone going through any type of pain, to try everything you can. It's really trial and error. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. 

Because my symptoms have not improved in almost three years, I have decided to proceed with a disc replacement. Not to be confused with a fusion. I have already went through the pre-screening for surgery and had labs drawn yesterday. I'll go into detail about the possibility of being put in a trial and what has happened since deciding on surgery later. 

I wonder…

what it would be like to have someone to...

1. wake up with every morning
2. come home to after work
3. drink coffee together 
4. celebrate holidays together 
5. decide what's for dinner
6. take spontaneous road trips 
7. be by your side through the wins and losses 
8. check in and see how your day is going 
9. want to see you smile 
10. hug everyday 
11. laugh and cry with 
12. hold your hand
13. celebrate your birthday with 
14. go on walks with 
15. make our own holiday traditions 
16. explore new restaurants with 
17. binge a TV show with 
18. buy a house with 
19. sit and talk to for hours 
20. tell you they love you 
21. want nothing but your company 
22. have a bonfire with 
23. eat wings and watch college football 
24. laugh until you cry together 
25. sing together in the car 
26. take care of you when you're sick 
27. grow old with
28. make love to everyday  
29. tell you when you're wrong 
30. be at your absolute worst but know that they are by your side holding your hand 

Everyday I ask myself “what it would be like to not be alone anymore?”

Thank you!

Thought about editing my last blog because it's all over the place and I am not terribly happy with it. When I wrote it, that's how my mind was; all over the place. I don't think it would be authentic if I went back and cleaned it up. Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it, right? 

Thursday, I was driving back to work on my lunch break and was rear-ended. I want to say thank you to everyone who was there for me afterwards. 

I know it's their job, but the 911 operator was calming and instructed me what to do to stay safe on the road with all of the traffic. 

The police officer came and got us moving quickly. She was very pleasant. 

I got back to work and called my doctor's office to make an appointment. This is where I do not typically have good luck with customer service. This woman was so nice. She could tell I was upset. She told me a story about how she got into an accident once and had her two kids in the car. She said, "I didn't even call my husband. I called my dad." She said, "I just wanted my dad." I related to this so much. I have no doubt, I, too, would call my dad even if I did have a significant other. She made me laugh. 

My insurance agent's office was pleasant to speak with too. 

When I arrived at the orthopedic walk-in clinic, the woman behind the counter asked why I was there. I told her I had been in an accident. I handed her my driver's license and insurance card. She asked if it had just happened because I was shaking. She said they have been seeing a lot of accidents lately. She said people are always in hurry and she can't imagine ever being in that much of a rush to not pay attending. 

Being kind is not always easy these days. Especially with everything healthcare workers are having to cope with. 

Thank you to everyone! 

Change of Season

The change in seasons seems to trigger my depression and anxiety. Each season brings new adventures. Summer brings beach days. Fall brings college football and bonfires. Winter brings holidays with family. Spring brings walks outside and patio dining. Summer seems to be the easiest transition for me because I can go to the beach alone and be OK. 

Most people get excited when it is Friday. I do not. Even my co-workers have noticed my mood change on Fridays. Everyone is excited about their weekend plans with family. While not every weekend, I do spend time with family and friends. Time spent with friends is always scheduled because everyone is so busy. When we're out, there's always someone checking in on their spouse or kids. They get to go home to someone is always my thought. When you're younger it seems there was more time for spontaneous get togethers.  

My co-workers last Friday were giving me suggestions on things to do. My response was "and, who is going with me?" Silence. Yes, I can do things by myself. I have and I do. Doing some things alone makes me feel lonelier.  In order to protect that feeling and my peace, I stay home. Mentally it's a safer space for me.   

A co-worker while seemingly joking suggested I knit. He said I'm sure there's a Facebook group you could join with others that knit.  He asked what I am watching on TV. He said maybe there's a group that you can talk to others about the show you're watching. Um, It's called Twitter. I can get on Twitter and see what people are saying. Needless to say, I was not amused by the suggestions. This is a very sensitive topic for me. He then made the comment that he thought I liked being alone. I took a deep breath to stop the tears and said, "then you don't know me as well as you thought." Another touchy topic for me. I know people think I like being alone. Even my family thinks that. Who doesn't like their alone time? There is a huge difference between having me time and being alone every goddamn second. Or what feels like it. He asked so what do you like to do or what do you want to do? Believe me, I am not short on ideas.  I said, I would love to make a list of all of the new restaurants in town and try them all. I would like to go to Indy and walk around IKEA since I have never been. I would like to explore more of Michigan; lighthouses, state parks, and waterfalls. I haven't been to Chicago in years. There's a restaurant that is on my bucket list that I want to go to and it sits on the river. I want to eat wings and watch Notre Dame football. I want to go to a Notre Dame football game. I want to go to the Farmer's Market with someone (I do go by myself). I want to leave work on Friday knowing I have an entire weekend planned with someone. Whether it be out exploring, house work, or simply sitting on the patio together. There's a reservoir near my house that I want to explore too. 

I feel like I am screaming from a rooftop that I don't want to do all of this alone. Such as, a few weeks ago, I heard dripping in my utility closet. I open the door to check it out. I so happened to look up and saw the the pipe that covers the top of your hot water heater was not aligned. While I don't know much about that kind of stuff, it made me think something was not quite right.  I sent a video to my work-husband who knows all things home improvement. He didn't end up seeing it until an hour later. I was asleep by then.  I woke up to a video via Snapchat, missed call, and text message. He was saying that it could be very dangerous because the carbon monoxide is filtered up into that pipe.  I do have a carbon monoxide detector and it hadn't gone off. I texted him at 6:30 a.m. He ended up calling me because he was already on his way to work.  He was trying to tell me how to turn the gas off but I wasn't strong enough to turn the knob.  He told me to turn the hot water heater off and that I would have enough reserve to still take a shower. I had also sent my dad a picture via text message. Since he was asleep my step-mom called and asked if I needed her to wake my dad up. I told her no, I had turned the hot water heater off and to just have him take a look when he woke up. I got in the shower and all of a sudden I started crying. No warning. I didn't feel anything that would suggest I wanted or needed to cry. I realized that I felt so overwhelmed. I felt stupid not knowing how to turn the gas or the hot water heater off. My dad is big on the difference between stupid and ignorance. He said I'm not stupid; I am ignorant. He came over that weekend and showed me what all of the knobs do but that I did the right thing by turning the hot water heater off. 

This past weekend, I couldn't sit still. I had to keep moving to keep from going crazy. Saturday, I left the house at 9:45 a.m. and got home around 4:00. I went to my massage and then walked around the out-door mall in town. I had a mission to find some new clothes. I got home and put everything away. I think I did a few things around the house. I wasn't all that hungry but knew I needed to eat. I had stuff to make a taco bowl but wasn't in the mood to cook the meat and cut up veggies.  I decided on chicken bites from Papa John's. The food came and it was not good. At all. I had a few bites of the chicken and threw the rest away. As I sat on the couch, my mind went nuts. I couldn't get a grasp on my thoughts. I started thinking about how I am never going to lose weight from eating like this. I get so overwhelmed with the idea of eating lately. I don't do much meat (i.e. why I threw the chicken away). I tend to lean towards carbs which is why I don't lose weight. Then I started beating myself up because I am complaining about being alone and having too much time on my hands so I should be meal prepping. I have all of the time to eat healthy. Flip side? I hate cooking. I find zero gratification with cooking. Nothing about it is fun or relaxing. Of course I have to but it's not something I enjoy. I then started giving myself a hard time about all this free time I am wasting. I could be writing, researching, reading, finding books/podcasts to help me cope with my loneliness. My concentration has been down lately because of my depression.  I find myself sitting down at home and I can't get my mind to concentrate to even read a book. I felt a panic attack coming on. I think I have had one my entire life. I mean full blown get the paper bag out and breath into it. I ended up taking a shower which always relaxes me and laid down in bed. Yesterday, I never left my house. But, I washed bedding, blankets, clothes, vacuumed, and washed my carpets. I didn't sit still much. 

I have also been having a really hard time with the fact that people, specifically men, are not blowing up my phone trying to make plans with me. I am always reaching out to make plans. How I dream of someone reaching out to make plans and wanting my company. I know I am enough. I know I am a good time. I know I have so much to offer. It is really hard for me to not give in to the negative self-talk that maybe I am not good enough. 

I sat down this weekend to blog and I thought even I don't want to read this shit anymore. Why would anyone else? I have been writing this same story for years. I read my old blogs and absolutely nothing has changed. I can't hide from my feelings though. I can't avoid writing because it's the same story. It's how I feel. It's what I think. 

I think what is most troubling for me is that I am a fixer. If something is wrong, I fix it. This, this loneliness, I don't know how to fix it. 

Taking It All In

Not everyone thinks the way you do. That's what my dad tells me.

One of the many reasons I keep my circle small is because I have a tendency of taking on other people's shit. It's not my life and it's not affecting me so why do I burden myself? I can't answer that. I wish I could.  

I have tried to find a book relative to this topic, but to no avail. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life was recommended to me. I didn't get pass the first few pages. That book was horrible.  If you have any book recommendations, please leave them in the comments.  

While listening to Kevin Hart's podcast, Comedy Gold Minds, I noticed he was making comments that he was no longer giving advice. It struck me each time he said it. I knew there had to be a "why" behind his statement. Yesterday, I got the "why." He was talking to David Letterman on his podcast. He said, he had a conversation with Will Smith who said that he found out he was a selfish individual. When he gave advice, it was for people to become me. When you give advice and you're telling people what to do, you're telling them the way you did it most of the time. And if people do not choose to do it like that, sometimes you get upset and go you don't want to win or you don't want to be successful. In return, what you're saying is, you don't want to become me. He had to realize that it was a selfish approach to what he thought was help, wasn't help at all. He said he gives information and they can choose to use it or not.  

WOW. I'm not sure I need that book recommendation anymore. It all makes sense to me now. It was eyeopening in so many ways. I think this approach will help me in the future and allow me to not take on other people's shit. 

When I was on my girls trip last month, three of us were sitting outside at the Inn. It overlooks Lake Michigan. All you see is endless water. I have had this feeling before where I feel like I simply can't take it all in. I'm trying to think of times when I have had this feeling. I can only recall times where I have been by the water. Whether it be standing at Navy Pier in Chicago on the water or in California looking out at the ocean. 

Sure I can be drinking an amazing cup of coffee and stop to take in the taste and smell. Or maybe I am spending time with someone and I can stop and be mindful that I am in their presence and to soak up what remaining time we have together. I can stop and smell the lilacs in my backyard and take it all in. 

When I am near water, I can't take it all in. I make a conscious effort to be in the moment. I close my eyes to smell the water, feel the breeze on my face, and listen to the sound of the waves. I think to myself just five more minutes and I will have taken it all in. My soul is never full though. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I did express these thoughts while the three of us were sitting outside. A friend of mine said she knows exactly what I mean. My niece said she had no idea what we were talking about. We laughed. 

I'm glad I can't take it all in because I can keep going back and never have it be enough. I am OK with that.

First World Problems

Has anyone else noticed how service, particularly, in the food industry has gone down hill? The food is overpriced and lackluster at best. I'm not a big fast food eater. I do enjoy on the rare occasion, a butter burger from Culver's, or a sausage, egg, & cheese McMuffin from McDonald's at the start of a road trip. Otherwise, I prefer sit-down restaurants. This past weekend I went to Michigan City for an annual girls shopping trip. It's a day trip my mom, sister, and two nieces take before the kids go back to school. Aside from the outlets, there is not much in Michigan City - restaurants included. We started for home and stopped at a restaurant in South Bend for dinner. I realize we're in a pandemic; not sure if it's the tail end or beginning of a second one, and that we're all learning how to maneuver through it all.  Businesses included.  We walked into the restaurant and the hostess did not have a mask on, nor did any of the servers. They were not seating at capacity. Several tables were blocked off. We put in our name and she said it would be 25-30 minutes. We were not allowed to sit inside and wait at the front because of COVID. We had to wait outside. Half hour goes by and the group of people that were ahead of us are still waiting. I asked how long they had been waiting and she said about 40 minutes. One of the girls in that group went inside and asked how long until their table was going to be ready. She came out and said the hostess had told her another 10-15 minutes because they were short staffed on cooks. My group simultaneously got up to leave. Who knew how long it would be until we were seated and then how long until we got our food? My niece went inside to confirm with the hostess how much longer it would be. She told her the same; they were short on cooks. My niece told her they needed to tell the customers how long it is really going to be and that they are short staffed. We left and went down the street to Panera. I ordered one of their flat bread pizzas. It tasted like a Lean Cuisine pizza. It was terrible. My niece who is a vegetarian ordered a mediterranean bowl. It was filled with chicken. Oh, and the .5miles that it took us to drive to Panera, I got a text our table was ready at the restaurant. 

I can't think of much that I despise more than getting groceries and cooking. I wish I liked to cook. I wish it relaxed me like it does some people. I actually made something new yesterday. It was baked rice and mushrooms, seasoning, and vegetable broth. It wasn't bad. I'd do less garlic next time. I just do not enjoy any part of the process. 

In any event, I knew I had to get some groceries yesterday. I wanted to make that baked dish, get eggs, avocados, etc. I did not want to leave my house let alone go inside a store. The sun was out, I hadn't been home the day before, and I had things I wanted to do around my house. I thought about doing Shipt, or even going today on my lunch. I placed a drive-up order at Target. I've done it before and it's super easy. I'd only be gone roughly a half hour. I was making good time. I had washed all my bedding, vacuumed, swept the kitchen floor, and finished a few other odds and ends stuff around my house.  I left to go pick-up my order, with the thought of coming home, making coffee, sitting in the sun for a bit, before coloring my hair/showering. I would be back by 1:00 and have the whole afternoon. I got home from Target and started unloading the bags. The first bag had Cheetos and some other chips.  That's odd, I don't eat that stuff. Pull a second bag out - it's diapers. I sure as hell know that's not mine. None of it was what I ordered. If you've never done a Target drive-up order, the bags they put your stuff in has a barcode on it with your name. They come out to your car and you show them the code that generates on the app. How did I get someone else's order? My first thought was, never mind. I'll go back another day and fix it. But, I needed the food. The food I had to talk myself into ordering and going to pickup. I called Target and no on answered. I called back and hit a different menu option and let the phone ring and ring until someone picked up. They transferred me to the drive-up team. The girl was so nice and apologetic. Naturally, my only option was to take everything back and get my correct order. I confirmed that I would not have to go into the store. I turned into that person who asked what they were going to do to fix this. I explained that I don't live just around the corner, but 15-20 minutes away (especially, with the construction). She said they would give me a gift card for $10. I felt guilty even asking what they were going to do to fix it because I knew damn well that no matter how mad I was, I am going to continue to shop at Target. It's like that guy you keep going back to even though he continues to fuck up. Target you have nothing to worry about. You've got 99 fuck-ups left before I even consider not coming back. 

I felt so silly how angry I was. It was bigger than them just mixing up my order. I had to give myself a pep talk to even order my groceries and force myself to go pick them up. As someone who suffers from anxiety, is an introvert, and needed a day home to recharge, having to go back to Target (albeit even the drive-up) was nothing short of exhausting for me. 

Instead of rushing back to Target, I decided to color my hair first and shower. I drove back and had to call when I got there. Again, I couldn't get anyone to answer the phone. It rang for over three minutes until they picked up. The girl came out with my stuff and apologized again. She was so nice and handed me a gift card for $15 instead of $10. I got home, put my groceries away, made that coffee, and sat outside in the sun. 

It was important for me to process why I was so angry. I never yelled at the girl. I certainly had a tone. It was more about me and what I was going through than what actually happened. This may not make sense to some but I know it will to others.

Girls Trip 2021

Two co-workers and I went up to St. Joe, Michigan Friday. First, we checked into our bed & breakfast. I have stayed at this bed & breakfast now three times. As much as I want to keep this gem a secret, if you are ever traveling to St. Joe, I would recommend staying at the South Cliff Inn. The inn has seven rooms. The owners are married. She's from Michigan and he's from the Dominican. 

We put on our bathing suits and headed to the beach. 

We headed back after about 4-5 hours, showered, and ventured downtown to eat at Silver Harbor Brewing Company. The food is so good. You cannot go wrong with the macaroni & cheese egg rolls. I got a burger and truffle fries.  I can't explain how amazing the truffle fries taste. 

We ended our night back at the inn watching the sunset. 

Saturday, we woke up fairly early. We all got coffee and sat outside and watched the haze disappear off Lake Michigan.  The innkeeper, made breakfast which included fruit, toast, egg casserole of some sort, sausage, and a chocolate chip croissant dessert. 

After breakfast, we headed back to our room and waited for another co-worker and my niece to get in town. The five of us headed to the beach. We had dinner again at Silver Harbor Brewing Company. The wait was over an hour so we wondered around downtown St. Joe. 

When we got back to the inn, all of the other guests gradually ventured out onto the lookout over Lake Michigan. There was a group of sisters on vacation and three couples. The sisters were hilarious. We all agreed we could definitely hang out with them on vacation. One of the wives told us she had seen the inn on Good Morning America and told her husband they had to travel from New Jersey to Michigan to stay at the inn. Her husband, we soon found out, drove for a sports company who drove athletes to/from games. He drove for the New York Yankees. He obviously couldn't go into details about the players but told us how baseball players and football players differ. We asked if he had met Steph Curry and he said yes. I forget what prompted it but he said I was the mean one because we were bantering back and forth. He brought the Bourbon out for the others in my group and another couple to try.  Some of the guys were smoking cigars. The innkeeper brought me out a smaller cigar. He said it was from the Dominican.  It had a vanilla flavor. It was a good night, full of laughs. 

Sunday morning, we all got up and had coffee outside. We played with the innkeeper's cat. He is a Main Coon. He is so sweet. 

Breakfast was served and we were all standing inside getting our food. I was getting another cup of coffee. The gentlemen from the night before was giving me a hard time for holding up the line. I then shot back a sarcastic comment and he laughed. I remember saying "I'm not so bad after all am I?" We asked him and his wife how long they had been married.  Thirty-four years married and together for forty I believe. One of the girls I was with told them she was newly married and asked for their advice for a lasting marriage.  Their answers were pretty standard. Communicate. Be honest. Don't go to bed angry. I asked if they ever wanted to kill each other and the husband said yes. The wife said of course, but the making up part is the best. The husband then started going around our table starting with me. He said, "I know you're not married." I said, "nope. Never." He said, it's going to take someone special to be with you. He said someone that is strong and is not intimidated by you. He said, but that person will be special and worth the wait. I started getting teary eyed and thought to myself, "there's nothing to be upset about." I took it personal at first. Part of me was instantly critical of myself. I really do give off a vibe don't I? But, you know what, that's who I am. He's not wrong. Not even a little bit. 

We had such a good time relaxing at the beach, eating great food, meeting new people, and laughing. We laughed a lot.

Back to My Roots

Holy shit. I sat down to start writing and heard buzzing. I assumed it was a fly in the blinds. Since I leave the patio door cracked for my two cats, I get flies in my house sometimes. I look over and it's quadruple the size of a fly. It had four (or more) legs and it looked hairy. I've dealt with a lot bugs over the years at my apartments and house.  I've had a bird and a baby mouse in my house from the cats. This bug had me flummoxed.  I considered calling my dad and begging him to come over, but I know he's getting ready for a wedding this afternoon. I didn't want the cats to try to get it. I took a page from David Rose in Schitt's Creek. I pulled the blinds up and took a Mason jar and put it over the bug. Finally got the nerve to slide the lid over the top. I got the legs caught in the lid and I'm certain it was screaming. I opened the screen door, took the lid off, and it flew away. I feel like it could be my greatest accomplishment. If you have not watched Schitt's Creek, here's the link to the scene.  

I started this blog years ago so I could write about shit I was going through while dating. It's also been a place for me to write about my depression, anxiety, and the effects of having been alone all these years. With that being said, we are about to dive into all of that and take it back to my roots of why I started this blog. This is going to be extremely honest and raw. 

I started working at Don Ayres as a night receptionist in September 2013. I worked there until May 2016. Someone I went to high school with (we'll call him James) also worked there. We were not close in high school, but we knew who each other were. I ended up developing a huge crush on him. For eight years, we have been on and off. I love this man. I have waited and been patient thinking that one day we would be together. That day came about two weeks ago. Just not the the day I was hoping for. The lightbulb came on and it's bright. Blindingly bright in fact. 

After the lightbulb came on I knew it was time to move on. I think God or the universe turned that lightbulb on for me because I needed it after all these years. It was dim for a while but it's bright now.

My birthday was just a few weeks ago (July 5th). I went to the lake with my sister and niece. We were at dinner and I looked over to see this couple sitting at the bar. The way they looked at each, especially the guy looking at the girl triggered me. He was rubbing her back; you could feel the connection from across the room. When James and I would go out to dinner and sit at a bar, that's how we looked at each.  Every touch sent electricity through my body. I felt overwhelmed in this moment. I felt a sense of panic rush over me. I got extremely homesick. While being homesick is normal for me, it's not normal during a day at the lake. I didn't say anything to my sister or niece. What would I say? It would have sounded so foolish. 

I am not on Facebook but had recently reactivated my account to sell a few things on the garage sale groups. Facebook has it so you can set up a dating profile. I matched with a guy who is five years older than me, lives in a small town near me, and who was looking for a serious relationship. We messaged back and forth for a few days. Yesterday, he sent me his phone number. We texted a few times. He asked if he could call me and so he did. He had a country boy accent. We decided on where to meet for dinner and what time. I was very excited. I didn't mind that we didn't know anything about each other. Having done the online dating thing for years, the back and forth gets old. Lets meet in person and get to know each other. He texted me and said he was excited to meet me. I called a couple of friends to see what I should wear. I video chatted with my best friend in California while getting ready. Does anyone else not wear clothes while doing their makeup and hair? Let's just say my boobs were a topic of conversation during our video chat. If you can't video chat naked with your best friend, who can you video chat naked with? 

I got to the restaurant and he showed up shortly after.  He got out of his truck and he was cute. Looked just like his pictures.  He definitely didn't dress to impress. He gave me a hug and he smelled so good. We went inside and had to put our names in. The wait was about thirty-five minutes. We went back outside and he told me I looked hot and was beautiful. That wasn't the only time he told me I looked hot and beautiful. By the end of the night, it may have been up to fifty times. As we are standing outside, he became very handsy. I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it. It was just a lot having just met and not knowing anything about each other. He acted like we were on our tenth date. At one point, he leaned in to kiss me. I backed away. I said, "Nope. Not yet." Really? You want our first kiss to be in front of a restaurant with people standing around? He said by my doing that it made me hotter. We sat down for a bit outside on the benches. I attempted to make conversation about his two kids. He just wouldn't stop talking about my looks and being handsy. Finally, we sat down to eat. He told me I could get anything I wanted. Had we been at a five star restaurant, that would have been nice to hear. It was cheesy. I was afraid he was going to try to sit next to me in the booth. He didn't but made a comment about sitting next to him. I told him no that I would prefer to look across the table. He said if I sat by him then he could touch me. I can't explain why, but at some point during dinner, I started wondering if he was on something. I'm not exactly sure what, but my gut instinct was telling me he was. In fact, I almost texted my friend and asked her to look him up on public records (he had told me his last name at this point).  That's how much my instinct was telling me something was not right. While we waited for our table, we had discussed what we were going to do after dinner. By this time I had decided that doing anything after dinner was not going to happen. There were a few times even while waiting for our table, that he burped.  Not loud but not appropriate for a first date. He got ribs for dinner and ate like it was his first meal. I was grossed out. During dinner he asked me if I would want to date him. To be exclusive with just him. He asked me when he would see me again. He was on his phone a lot during the night too. Notifications not even on silent.  At this point, I am over it. He has no interest in me other than my looks. I'm trying to think of what I am going to say because I am definitely not doing anything with him after dinner. He pays and says that he is going to go home. I am assuming he was picking up on my vibe at this point. I never was rude or mean.  I just wasn't going to sit there and hold his hand while we waited for our food. We walk out to our cars and he gives me a hug goodbye and says he'll call me later. 

I was so happy to be in my car. I reached out to my work husband and his boyfriend and told them I was coming over. Part of me wanted to go home, but I also needed to be around people that I felt safe with.  I went over to his house and they had another friend over that I know. I said I just need to cuddle with a guy, gay or not, and feel safe. The friend pulled the blanket down and I laid down on the couch with him. I told all three of them the story. He texted me while I was there and said thanks for a good time. I asked if he made it home and he said no he was at his buddies house. He then asked me if I was interested in him. One of the guys said to respond with "Thank you for tonight, but no I am not interested." He said, "Ok....no worries....thank you for being honest." I then blocked him. Given how the night went and my past experiences, blocking him was necessary.

When we got to the restaurant, he used the bathroom which is expected having just drove forty minutes to meet me.  He went out to his truck to take his sunglasses off and put on his regular glasses while we waited for our table. Before we sat down for dinner, he used the bathroom again. He hadn't been drinking anything during that time.  He ordered one beer during dinner and didn't even drink it all but had to use the bathroom again. Anyone reading this I am sure is like you're suspicious of someone using the bathroom and going to their truck to get their glasses? Yes. Yes, I am.  Why? Because something changed in the two hours we were together.  His eyes changed and his personality changed. I followed my instinct and looked him up on public records. There are thirty-five results. I know it's him because they are all in the county where he lives. I also looked on another public records website where it shows the birthdate, and it's him. I asked him when his birthday is and it's next month. All of these results have a date of birth in August and the year is correct with how old he is. I can't decide which is my favorite. The pending criminal misdemeanor for operating a vehicle with a schedule I or II controlled substance, multiple burglaries, or habitual offender for neglect of a dependent.  

My instincts were right. Something was off. Guess the older, small town, country boy wasn't a good boy after all. 

My thoughts and emotions were all over the place during and after the date. Once I realized it was going south, I kept thinking I can't believe I did my makeup and hair for this. I could be at home on the couch, in my sweats, wrapped in blankets, watching Schitt's Creek for the one hundredth time. I tried to turn those thoughts into positives. You have to get out of the house and go on dates if you want to find someone. This is good for you. 

As I was sitting at the restaurant looking across the table at this stranger, I became resentful towards James. I was angry that after all this time, we are not going to be together and because of that, I was in this situation. Does that make sense? I know that sounds crazy and it's not his fault I am on this date. I blame myself for holding on for so long. I feel foolish when I think about the hope I held onto for all of these years. I really thought he was my happy ending. 

Perhaps I should hold off trying to date for now. My emotions and feelings are still raw and I need to heal first.

Are You Working or Hardly Working?

Working as a paralegal does not, on a typical day, cause me much stress. I have been working in a law office for twenty years. Of course there are those days where you feel like you take one step forward and ten steps back. Maybe it's because the phone doesn't stop ringing, emails keep coming in, mail is piling up, and on occasion an emergency court filing. I may have five appointments one day and none the next. It is all manageable though.  

The past two weeks have been really hard for me. I am extremely anxious, stressed, and overall worked up. I am not sleeping the best. I get so consumed with my thoughts that no matter how much I try to dial the thoughts back and really focus on mindfulness, I am just not achieving it which makes me more anxiety ridden and stressed. 

I know that at any job, there is always going to be that one person(s) who shows up intending on doing the bare minimum only to collect a paycheck. We have all seen those memes -- "Thank you for all your hard work. Now we reward you by giving you other people's work to finish."

It's not the work that has been weighing on me these last two weeks. It's the people. People on their cell phones, taking half hour breaks, taking time off every week, and doing the bare minimum knowing that others will pick up the slack. I can tell you that having worked in a law firm for twenty years, taking a break is simply not something that anyone does. Yes, we may refill our coffee or visit a co-worker at their desk and catch up just to get away from our desk for a couple of minutes. Taking a full fifteen minute (or longer) break two times a day as if you are working retail is just not the norm. Yes, I realize by law, you are entitled to two fifteen minute breaks. Somedays this may get to me more than others but I can shake it off.  Why? Because it's not effecting me; until recently.  

Before I left work Friday, I filled out a form to request overtime. I left it on my desk intending to turn it in tomorrow. I'm not going to now. Why should I have to request overtime? I didn't get behind on my work. I was just given other's work to clean up. I am in a lot of physical pain most days at work because of my neck and the radiation down into my arms. The last thing I want to do is stay after 5:00. Especially with the weather only getting nicer. We all know weekends are not long enough. I need those two days for my mental health. I certainly don't want to go into work on a Saturday or Sunday. 

I am not sure who I am more upset with. The higher ups for allowing others to do the bare minimum or the ones doing the bare minimum. 

Never in the history of telling anyone to not let something bother you or to calm down has that ever worked. I am a hard worker. I have great work ethic. I am damn good at my job too. So, yes, I take this all very personal which in turn is having an effect on my mental and physical health. I am simply exhausted. The worst part? There is not a thing I can do to fix it. 

Highs and Lows

It was the mid-90's and I went to my first concert with my sister. We saw Boys II Men and Brandy. I remember where we sat in the Coliseum and even what I was wearing. What I also remember is the empty feeling I had when it was over. I have had that same feeling after most of the concerts I have been to. 

I remember years ago after Justin Bieber canceled his tour due to depression and simply needing a break, he discussed what it was like after the show was over. He felt that same high and then low. He's out on stage with hundreds of thousands of people, he meets with fans afterwards, and then he's all alone. I vaguely recall him canceling his meet and greets first because it became too much (don't quote me on that).

This feeling I'm sure is normal for a lot of people. In fact, I have had this discussion with my niece before and how she feels after a concert. 

A perfect fall day for me would be going to a bar, watching Notre Dame football, and having a bonfire later that night. About 5-6 years ago, an old friend was in town and we did just that. We went and got wings with my family and afterwards went back to my sister's for a bonfire. It was such a fun day. The next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was extremely depressed and sad that the day was over. I recall talking to my best friend and telling her it's almost not even worth it to feel this way. 

Even now, I find myself experiencing these same highs and lows. If I am around someone who makes me laugh and we have fun, I find myself in that low place after. 

Mentally, how I do "train" my mind to not stave off something or someone that may give me that high just so I do not have to experience the low. I want to experience all of the highs without the fear of the lows.

This and that

Let them judge you. 

Let them misunderstand you. 

Let them gossip about you. 

Their opinions are not your problem. 

You stay kind, committed to love, and free in your authenticity. 

No matter what they do or say do not dare doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. 

Just keep on shining like you do. 

At some point in our lives, we have been misunderstood. I used to beat myself up for not smiling more at people, for not being the first to initiate a conversation, or for not attempting to make small talk. Small talk is nothing short of exhausting for me. I think a lot of introverts will tell you the same thing. I would say some of it may be because I am a Cancer, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I know other Cancers who love to make small talk.  

I used to take the little snide comments personally. I don't so much anymore. If you really knew me, you would understand me. You would know that I am loyal and that I would do anything for someone I love.  You have to earn my respect. If I don't respect you, it's going to show. Don't mistake that lack of respect though for what you perceive my personality to be. Does that make sense? 

I had a boss years ago that I did not respect. I did not like myself around this person. I said what I wanted, acted how I wanted, sighed, and rolled my eyes. I had to take myself out of that situation and I did. I am a completely different person when I am around my boss now who I respect. 

At some point I stopped caring if someone misunderstood me. Why? Because I have people that do understand me and that is all that matters. Also, if you're going to take someone else's opinion of me and not form your own, then you're not someone I want close to me anyways. How do I know people do that? Their little comments tell me they listen to others opinions a/k/a gossip.  

I had a conversation with my best friend months ago. I told her I really need to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. She said, "why?! That's not you." She's right. Granted there are instances where one would keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions to themselves. I understand that. I am aware of those instances - well most of the time. 

We have all known someone who gets by in life doing the bare minimum. Whether it be at school, in sports, or at work. I am more troubled by that mentality than I am by the extra work it causes me. I just want to ask why? I am sure they want to ask me the same thing. Why, do you work so hard? I am sitting here doing the bare minimum and still getting paid. My answer would be because I would not like myself if I worked that way. Do you think these people know they are doing the bare minimum? Maybe they think they are doing the best they can. 

I would love insight on how you work through these life lessons. 

Resistance

Last year around this same time, I was in physical therapy for my neck. I admit I didn't get much relief. It felt good while I was there but that was about it. There was one time, the therapist had me use a resistance band to do curls. I was in tears the entire time. It made me realize how weak my arms had become. I hurt so bad afterwards and I didn't even do that many curls. 

I spend all day trying to feel better. Whether it's using my massager, cupping, physical therapy, deep tissue massage, or prescriptions for pain management. I am so consumed with making sure I don't overdue it so I don't increase my pain which in turn is not helping because I am becoming weaker. 

The dry needling seemed to work for a few weeks. Then at one session, the therapist had me lift my head and hold it while laying down. It was very upsetting seeing how weak my neck is. That one move put me in so much pain. 

Last night I went to therapy. He said we're jumping right in to do everything that makes you feel better. He started with manual manipulation, dry needling, and even did some scrapping which is my favorite.  He ended with basically using his body weight and pushing on this specific spot under my shoulder blade. Besides the numbness and tingling in my arms, that spot causes me a lot of discomfort. I then rolled on my side and he was moving my shoulder blade around to get up under it and get to that spot. He again just pushed and pushed. When he asked me how it felt, I said, "oh, I could sit here all day while you did that." 

Therapists will do progress reports every month I believe. They have me hold my arms straight out in front of me and push down to test my strength. Every time (even last year), I get teary eyed because again, I have no strength. 

He did that last night and sure enough I teared up. He brought in weights for me to use while doing shoulder shrugs and I just looked at him like he was nuts. I am definitely dramatic during physical therapy. It makes me laugh and the therapist. Naturally, I was dramatic when he brought the weights in. I said I didn't want to do it. He said to try it and see how I feel. I did and it was exhausting. 

Because I am just not having any progress, he brought in another therapist that has been doing this a little longer. My therapist started telling her my resistance to any type of strengthening or exercise. For the next half hour or so I cried. We discussed how scared I am to do anything because I fear that it will cause more pain. We discussed working on things that will help my strength but doing those first in therapy and ending with manipulation, needling, scrapping, etc. Almost retraining my brain that if I do a, b, and c, I can then end with something that makes me feel good. She asked me to do shoulder shrugs throughout the day. She gave me a tennis ball that I can use to stand up against a wall and roll the ball over that spot under my shoulder blade. I was at therapy an extra 45mins. I appreciate them taking the time to figure out what they can do. I am trying everything possible to avoid surgery. I know it sounds simple - I am in excruciating pain everyday that is effecting my quality of life. I don't exercise anymore. I am not sleeping well. I hurt so bad so I don't want to go out and do anything. Why not have surgery? Who wouldn't be scared to have a disc removed from their neck? Why if it makes it worse? What if it's not any better? Of course, what if it does work? What if I do feel better? I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Rather I wish I knew what the outcome of surgery would be. It's just so scary. With the radiation down into my arms, I risk having permanent nerve damage too. 

Any suggestions or tips are welcomed. 

Self-Care

Typically, I don't like to use the term "self-care." As someone without kids and a significant other, I have an infinite amount of time for self-care. I feel if I told anyone I took time today for self-care, they would think to themselves that's everyday for me. 

Because I do have depression, anxiety, and am extremely lonely most days, I do spend a lot of time searching for anything that might bring me a little bit of happy. I guess you could call that self-care. One of my favorite things to do on the weekends that really relaxes me is after I take a shower, I moisture my face with my favorite skin care products, put on a bunch of lotion (feet included), shea butter socks, comfy clothes, and let my hair air dry. I then curl up on the couch with all of my blankets   I feel relaxed, comfy, and cozy. Letting my hair air dry is extremely gratifying for me. 

Today I went to Marshall's and picked out a couple self-care items. I also picked out a new lotion at Target. My skin has been hurting this winter. 

We certainly all have our own struggles. Just because mine looks different than someone else's doesn't mean I should feel embarrassed for having a day of self-care. 

I am extremely grateful this weekend. While I have been in excruciating pain due to my neck and the radiation down into my arms, I have been in a really good mood. I have had a little extra energy. I was a little anxious yesterday and today before going out to run errands but it was short lived which I am thankful for. 

I don't take the good days for granted. I appreciate them. Part of me questions it, but I practice mindfulness and don't allow myself to go there for long. 

A little bit of exciting news too. I may be getting a new car this week. 

The Weather

Snowmageddon hit the midwest. We got 12.2 inches. How many of us wish for snow days so we can be productive at home? I always wish for snow days so I can read. Guess how much I read today? Not one page. I surfed the web and took a nap. I didn't even binge anything on Netflix. I need to find a new show. 

I am a creature of habit and a product of my childhood. Five o'clock hit today and I wanted to watch the weather. I turned to 21Alive news. It brought me back to my childhood. Coming home from school, doing homework, and sitting down to dinner. We had a little TV in our dining room. It sat on a shelf in the corner. We always watched the news on channel 7. I just texted my mom and sister because I couldn't remember the guys name that anchored the news. It was Keith Edwards. While his name didn't sound familiar, his picture brings me back. I just watched his last broadcast on Youtube. He anchored with Melissa Long. I remember when she retired too because I felt like a part of my childhood was over. Is that insane to think? News anchors really do come into your home. My sister brought up Sandy Thompson. She was the weather lady. Jane Hersha popped into my mind too. I told my mom and sister she was a redhead, but I couldn't remember her name. My mom said, "wasn't she a drunk?" HAHA. I'm pretty sure she was. She would do the 3Rivers Festival Parade and I remember watching it on TV thinking she was drunk. So many memories. Good memories too. 

As I turned on the weather today, it took me back to my childhood house on Eastbrook Drive. I was back in the dining room, sitting at the round kitchen table. I always sat facing the TV. My dad sat to my left, my mom to my right, and my sister across from me.  I could look out the window and see my next door neighbor's house. The chairs were a beige leather, bucket-seat type, with silver legs, that you could spin in. I can smell the steam coming off the vegetables. We were probably having cauliflower or broccoli. 

What a trip down memory lane with many more to take.

Resent

Today was a rough work day. Do you ever sit back after a rough day (work-related or not) and think where did it all go wrong? I sat down at my desk this morning with my pumpkin spice coffee thinking it was going to be a fairly easy day. I had a few appointments, otherwise, was going to be able to stay in my office and work. A conversation first thing in the morning simply exhausted me. Then my morning appointment was rescheduled. It wasn't that my appointment was rescheduled, it was the way it was handled. It was just simply idiotic. I went to lunch, came back, and sat down at my desk with my peppermint stick coffee. I completed a weekly task that tends to frustrate me. It magnifies that people are not doing their job. I got a call that made me think my afternoon appointment was taken care of and I needn't be there. I went to the bathroom and came back to four missed calls only to find out that I was needed. I walked into the meeting and was not surprised to find someone unprepared as always. 

I realize my recount of the day isn't very descriptive nor does it seem rough. HA! I am trying to have some discretion. I am not referring to any clients; only co-workers. 

After washing my coffee cup and wrapping up for the day, I sat down at my desk at 4:50 and took a deep breath. I started to feel resent. Resent towards the co-workers whose responsibility at work is no where near mine. Resent towards co-workers who choose to sit on their phones all day, checking Facebook, reading the news, or simply staring out the window. My resent then switches to the bosses who either don't see or who choose not to see. 

We have all worked with lazy people. People who don't mind letting their laziness become someone else's problem. People who do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck. 

I am not one of those people. I never have been. Before I was old enough to work, I remember helping my Aunt Helen. I would stuff envelopes for her or do other little jobs. My mindset was always how can I be faster? Whatever I was stuffing the envelopes with maybe I could fold ten of them at a time instead of one. 

My first job I worked at a movie theater. I would have customers tell me my line moved the fastest. How fast could I fill a bag of popcorn while filling pops and grabbing candy? 

I started working at Target as a cashier when I was roughly 18. All I wanted was to be a supervisor. The supervisors eventually trusted me to be in charge of all of the cashiers and the service desk while they took a break or went on lunch. I ended up interviewing for a supervisor position and got it. 

That work ethic has continued until today. How can I be the fastest, most efficient, organized, etc.? When I am around others that don't have these traits, it drains me. It mentally drains me. 

So while I am resentful of those that find it easy to sit on their phones all day or browse social media, it's not who I am. I have had jobs where I wasn't all that busy and I would also be mentally exhausted at the end of the day for not using my brain. 

It'll be 20 years this year that I have been a paralegal. Because I only started working at my job about 3.5 years ago, I only have two weeks of vacation.  Have you ever sat back and thought about how many days off a year you get compared to how many days you work? I strongly advise against doing the math because it's very depressing. According to Google, there are 261 work days in 2021. Of those 261 days, I have 10 days off. That blows my mind. As I am sitting at my desk for the last 10 mins today I started thinking about taking a vacation day. I typically don't take days off until my birthday and then bank them until the end of the year. What if I get sick? What if something happens? How can you not bank your days when you only get 10? After thinking about it, my resent then turned towards those whose job responsibility is not as high as mine and yet have 3-4 weeks of vacation because they have been with my employer for several years. One position at my job especially jumps out. It's a very easy job, minimal responsibility, and stress and when this person takes any time off, they don't come back to the unanswered emails, unopened mail, voice mails, etc. 

Would I trade my salary or office for this position to have less stress? Somedays I think I would. Today being one of those days. 

My resent is just that...mine. I can complain about all of these things but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Somedays life just hits you harder than others. What is bothering me today may not bother me next week. It's just been a buildup the past few months and I have been so mentally exhausted. I can't seem to shake it. I really think if I could have a beach day, I would feel a little re-charged.