I started this blog years ago so I could write about shit I was going through while dating. It's also been a place for me to write about my depression, anxiety, and the effects of having been alone all these years. With that being said, we are about to dive into all of that and take it back to my roots of why I started this blog. This is going to be extremely honest and raw.
I started working at Don Ayres as a night receptionist in September 2013. I worked there until May 2016. Someone I went to high school with (we'll call him James) also worked there. We were not close in high school, but we knew who each other were. I ended up developing a huge crush on him. For eight years, we have been on and off. I love this man. I have waited and been patient thinking that one day we would be together. That day came about two weeks ago. Just not the the day I was hoping for. The lightbulb came on and it's bright. Blindingly bright in fact.
After the lightbulb came on I knew it was time to move on. I think God or the universe turned that lightbulb on for me because I needed it after all these years. It was dim for a while but it's bright now.
My birthday was just a few weeks ago (July 5th). I went to the lake with my sister and niece. We were at dinner and I looked over to see this couple sitting at the bar. The way they looked at each, especially the guy looking at the girl triggered me. He was rubbing her back; you could feel the connection from across the room. When James and I would go out to dinner and sit at a bar, that's how we looked at each. Every touch sent electricity through my body. I felt overwhelmed in this moment. I felt a sense of panic rush over me. I got extremely homesick. While being homesick is normal for me, it's not normal during a day at the lake. I didn't say anything to my sister or niece. What would I say? It would have sounded so foolish.
I am not on Facebook but had recently reactivated my account to sell a few things on the garage sale groups. Facebook has it so you can set up a dating profile. I matched with a guy who is five years older than me, lives in a small town near me, and who was looking for a serious relationship. We messaged back and forth for a few days. Yesterday, he sent me his phone number. We texted a few times. He asked if he could call me and so he did. He had a country boy accent. We decided on where to meet for dinner and what time. I was very excited. I didn't mind that we didn't know anything about each other. Having done the online dating thing for years, the back and forth gets old. Lets meet in person and get to know each other. He texted me and said he was excited to meet me. I called a couple of friends to see what I should wear. I video chatted with my best friend in California while getting ready. Does anyone else not wear clothes while doing their makeup and hair? Let's just say my boobs were a topic of conversation during our video chat. If you can't video chat naked with your best friend, who can you video chat naked with?
I got to the restaurant and he showed up shortly after. He got out of his truck and he was cute. Looked just like his pictures. He definitely didn't dress to impress. He gave me a hug and he smelled so good. We went inside and had to put our names in. The wait was about thirty-five minutes. We went back outside and he told me I looked hot and was beautiful. That wasn't the only time he told me I looked hot and beautiful. By the end of the night, it may have been up to fifty times. As we are standing outside, he became very handsy. I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it. It was just a lot having just met and not knowing anything about each other. He acted like we were on our tenth date. At one point, he leaned in to kiss me. I backed away. I said, "Nope. Not yet." Really? You want our first kiss to be in front of a restaurant with people standing around? He said by my doing that it made me hotter. We sat down for a bit outside on the benches. I attempted to make conversation about his two kids. He just wouldn't stop talking about my looks and being handsy. Finally, we sat down to eat. He told me I could get anything I wanted. Had we been at a five star restaurant, that would have been nice to hear. It was cheesy. I was afraid he was going to try to sit next to me in the booth. He didn't but made a comment about sitting next to him. I told him no that I would prefer to look across the table. He said if I sat by him then he could touch me. I can't explain why, but at some point during dinner, I started wondering if he was on something. I'm not exactly sure what, but my gut instinct was telling me he was. In fact, I almost texted my friend and asked her to look him up on public records (he had told me his last name at this point). That's how much my instinct was telling me something was not right. While we waited for our table, we had discussed what we were going to do after dinner. By this time I had decided that doing anything after dinner was not going to happen. There were a few times even while waiting for our table, that he burped. Not loud but not appropriate for a first date. He got ribs for dinner and ate like it was his first meal. I was grossed out. During dinner he asked me if I would want to date him. To be exclusive with just him. He asked me when he would see me again. He was on his phone a lot during the night too. Notifications not even on silent. At this point, I am over it. He has no interest in me other than my looks. I'm trying to think of what I am going to say because I am definitely not doing anything with him after dinner. He pays and says that he is going to go home. I am assuming he was picking up on my vibe at this point. I never was rude or mean. I just wasn't going to sit there and hold his hand while we waited for our food. We walk out to our cars and he gives me a hug goodbye and says he'll call me later.
I was so happy to be in my car. I reached out to my work husband and his boyfriend and told them I was coming over. Part of me wanted to go home, but I also needed to be around people that I felt safe with. I went over to his house and they had another friend over that I know. I said I just need to cuddle with a guy, gay or not, and feel safe. The friend pulled the blanket down and I laid down on the couch with him. I told all three of them the story. He texted me while I was there and said thanks for a good time. I asked if he made it home and he said no he was at his buddies house. He then asked me if I was interested in him. One of the guys said to respond with "Thank you for tonight, but no I am not interested." He said, "Ok....no worries....thank you for being honest." I then blocked him. Given how the night went and my past experiences, blocking him was necessary.
When we got to the restaurant, he used the bathroom which is expected having just drove forty minutes to meet me. He went out to his truck to take his sunglasses off and put on his regular glasses while we waited for our table. Before we sat down for dinner, he used the bathroom again. He hadn't been drinking anything during that time. He ordered one beer during dinner and didn't even drink it all but had to use the bathroom again. Anyone reading this I am sure is like you're suspicious of someone using the bathroom and going to their truck to get their glasses? Yes. Yes, I am. Why? Because something changed in the two hours we were together. His eyes changed and his personality changed. I followed my instinct and looked him up on public records. There are thirty-five results. I know it's him because they are all in the county where he lives. I also looked on another public records website where it shows the birthdate, and it's him. I asked him when his birthday is and it's next month. All of these results have a date of birth in August and the year is correct with how old he is. I can't decide which is my favorite. The pending criminal misdemeanor for operating a vehicle with a schedule I or II controlled substance, multiple burglaries, or habitual offender for neglect of a dependent.
My instincts were right. Something was off. Guess the older, small town, country boy wasn't a good boy after all.
My thoughts and emotions were all over the place during and after the date. Once I realized it was going south, I kept thinking I can't believe I did my makeup and hair for this. I could be at home on the couch, in my sweats, wrapped in blankets, watching Schitt's Creek for the one hundredth time. I tried to turn those thoughts into positives. You have to get out of the house and go on dates if you want to find someone. This is good for you.
As I was sitting at the restaurant looking across the table at this stranger, I became resentful towards James. I was angry that after all this time, we are not going to be together and because of that, I was in this situation. Does that make sense? I know that sounds crazy and it's not his fault I am on this date. I blame myself for holding on for so long. I feel foolish when I think about the hope I held onto for all of these years. I really thought he was my happy ending.
Perhaps I should hold off trying to date for now. My emotions and feelings are still raw and I need to heal first.
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