Angry

Angry. I don't know any other adjective to describe my mood lately. My mind feels very scattered and simply unhealthy. I am sure that sounds odd to say my mind feels unhealthy. I started feeling this way on Sunday and it hit me really hard on Monday. I was telling my friends at work how I just don't feel like myself. First response was that a full moon was days away. When people try to tell me that my depression is seasonal or because a full moon is coming makes me feel like my feelings are not validated. Second response was telling me about Circadian Rhythms. I'm sorry. What? Isn't that a bug that makes really loud noises in the summer? Nope, that's a Cicada. (I knew that. Really, I did). My work friend lead me to National Institute of General Medical Sciences. Honestly, I don't know that I fully understand Circadian Rhythms. I am still reading a lot about it. It says Circadian Rhythms can affect hormone release, eating habits & digestion, and body temperature. Most common though is the affect on your sleep patterns. 

I have noticed that roughly a week before I start my period, I sleep like shit. I wake up several times a night and I get really bad night sweats. I am 43 years old and fall in the average age range for perimenopause. Is it my hormones? 

Lately, I have felt like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. According to IMDb, the movie is about a guy who finds himself in a time loop and the day keeps repeating until he gets it right. Well, shit. Now I am wondering what I am not getting right. 

I don't know whether it's Circadian Rhythms, perimenopause, or simply not getting it right. What I do know is that I am doing everything I can to figure it out. 

My mind feels unhealthy because it's constantly arguing with itself. It's exhausting in there. 

I feel like I am not dealing with shit. I took a vacation day yesterday. Work has been really stressful and I thought an extra day would just help me decompress. It in fact, did not. I am extremely careful when it comes to taking days off work. I know that at times, it can be harmful to my mental health to have an extra day to be alone. I didn't foresee that coming yesterday. I got off work Thursday evening and it hit me. I wanted to do something Friday. I would have liked to go up to Michigan to an outlet mall. Explore someplace new. I didn't have it in me to drive the 2.5hrs there and back by myself. I made a plan of what I wanted to do Friday. When I woke up Friday, I did not feel any better. But, I was going to power through. I had my morning coffee and got dressed. I started to get extremely anxious as I was getting ready to leave. I pulled out of my garage and sat in the driveway for a few minutes before leaving. 

The more I drove, the more I suppressed my anxiety. I went to Fresh Thyme and picked up a couple of things. I walked around TJ Maxx. I then went to a boutique I really like. I didn't buy anything but the few items at Fresh Thyme. I considered going to a few other places and then realized that I didn't have to do this. I could go home. So I did. 

I got home and started doing some cleaning. I got the cushions out for my patio furniture. Put a few things away in the shed. Started picking up the thousands of sticks in the yard. The cats got to enjoy the sunshine for a while. I jumped in the shower and realized as I was shaving my legs, that my toilet was dripping. The last thing I wanted to do was call my dad because I didn't have the energy to deal with the toilet or pretend I was fine around my dad. I put some towels down and got back in the shower. 

Later, as I sit on the couch, my eyes started watering and then the water works started. It was as if my body couldn't handle anymore pretending. I cried on and off for quite a while. I don't t think the TV series I was watching helped either. HA. 

I went to bed last night and laid there listing everything that I am angry about. I knew today I would have to write. 

I am angry about...

• My health. I had neck surgery over a year ago and I am no better, if not worse. I saw a new pain management doctor on Thursday. I cannot express how much time, money, and energy has been spent on doctors. It drives me crazy missing work for these appointments. My appointment was at 8:30 (arrival time 8:15) and the doctor did not walk into the room until 9:15. I had requested off work until 9:15. I left the room at 9:00 and told the receptionist I had to get to work. She told me I was up next. I went back to the room and waited another 15mins. The doctor came in and says, "You look like you're 21, but you're 43. Did you always look young even when you were a kid?" Me: "I don't know." Doctor: "Well you look good." He goes on to ask me if I have gotten injections before. He then proceeded to ask me if "they" have talked to me about surgery. Me: "Yep. I had surgery." I have an injection scheduled in two weeks. I am not sure if I will be keeping that appointment. I have been in pain for over four years. I am only 43 years old. I should still be able to do chores around the house. I should be able to wash my car. I should be able to pick up sticks without being in pain. I shouldn't wake up multiple times a night because both of my arms are completely asleep because of my neck. I have been having trouble with itchy skin for roughly four months. I have redness on my scalp. I saw a dermatologist a few weeks ago and I have Eczema. The fact that I had multiple injections last year in my neck and low back, could definitely be playing a role she said with the Eczema. 
• Work. I am a really hard worker. I know I am good at my job. I have been doing this for twenty-two years. Somedays though, I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people who do the absolute bare-fucking-minimum. I want that life. HA. I could go to work and watch others bust their ass and get stuck doing some of my work. 
• A boy. I have been pretending for years that I am OK, but I am not. Stop having relationship problems with someone you're not in a relationship with. I have repeated this statement to myself so many times since having read it. I spent so much time and energy picturing a life with someone who never once pictured a life with me. What a fool he must think I am. I think back to the texts I would get saying, "you just popped in my head and wanted to say hi." I now know that I literally did just pop into his head. He didn't think about me the way I thought about him. I tried justifying his actions for a very long time. I felt stupid for feeling like I was being crazy and reacting the way I did at times. I was simply responding to the way I was being treated. I did everything I could. I was patient, understanding, loving, and supportive. I am not angry everyday, but I certainly still have days.  
• Being alone. Nothing consumes me more than the feeling of being alone. Why don't I deserve to find love? What did I do wrong? I feel like I am being punished. I feel forgotten. The sadness sits on my chest and in the bottom of my stomach. It has a permanent spot in my thoughts. I feel such a deep aching sadness that I could never begin to explain exactly what it feels like. 

I know everyday will not feel like this. This past week feels like it just might. 

Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Relatable

A client called me yesterday to discuss her case. We went over the litigation process. I explained what happens after we file the lawsuit and that during the discovery phase, we will answer interrogatories and request for production of documents. I told her opposing counsel may want to take her deposition. I went over the bodily injury limits the Defendant has and the possibility of using her underinsured motorist limits on her policy. I explained that it was premature to evaluate the value of her case since we are still in the early stages of litigation. She said she was asking all of these questions regarding policy limits and the attorney fee because she will possibly have to have a second surgery and will need to hire an aid to come in and help her. She started to tear up and said that she didn't have any friends or family to help and then she said, "I don't have a boyfriend." My heart broke for her. She said, "I have no one." 

In the seconds before I responded, I was grateful that I do have friends and family who are going to be around to help next week after my surgery. I've also never related more to someone. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I miss the days where you could pick up the phone and make last minute plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner. Now, you have to wait until everyone checks their calendar and by the time a date matches up, it's two months later. 

What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am so sick and fucking tired of people thinking they understand what it is like for me to be alone all of the time. Actually, I don't even think people try to put themselves in my shoes. They just brush whatever I say under the rug. People don't know that on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. Screaming for help. Screaming for this  feeling to finally fucking end. 

I wonder…

what it would be like to have someone to...

1. wake up with every morning
2. come home to after work
3. drink coffee together 
4. celebrate holidays together 
5. decide what's for dinner
6. take spontaneous road trips 
7. be by your side through the wins and losses 
8. check in and see how your day is going 
9. want to see you smile 
10. hug everyday 
11. laugh and cry with 
12. hold your hand
13. celebrate your birthday with 
14. go on walks with 
15. make our own holiday traditions 
16. explore new restaurants with 
17. binge a TV show with 
18. buy a house with 
19. sit and talk to for hours 
20. tell you they love you 
21. want nothing but your company 
22. have a bonfire with 
23. eat wings and watch college football 
24. laugh until you cry together 
25. sing together in the car 
26. take care of you when you're sick 
27. grow old with
28. make love to everyday  
29. tell you when you're wrong 
30. be at your absolute worst but know that they are by your side holding your hand 

Everyday I ask myself “what it would be like to not be alone anymore?”

Back to My Roots

Holy shit. I sat down to start writing and heard buzzing. I assumed it was a fly in the blinds. Since I leave the patio door cracked for my two cats, I get flies in my house sometimes. I look over and it's quadruple the size of a fly. It had four (or more) legs and it looked hairy. I've dealt with a lot bugs over the years at my apartments and house.  I've had a bird and a baby mouse in my house from the cats. This bug had me flummoxed.  I considered calling my dad and begging him to come over, but I know he's getting ready for a wedding this afternoon. I didn't want the cats to try to get it. I took a page from David Rose in Schitt's Creek. I pulled the blinds up and took a Mason jar and put it over the bug. Finally got the nerve to slide the lid over the top. I got the legs caught in the lid and I'm certain it was screaming. I opened the screen door, took the lid off, and it flew away. I feel like it could be my greatest accomplishment. If you have not watched Schitt's Creek, here's the link to the scene.  

I started this blog years ago so I could write about shit I was going through while dating. It's also been a place for me to write about my depression, anxiety, and the effects of having been alone all these years. With that being said, we are about to dive into all of that and take it back to my roots of why I started this blog. This is going to be extremely honest and raw. 

I started working at Don Ayres as a night receptionist in September 2013. I worked there until May 2016. Someone I went to high school with (we'll call him James) also worked there. We were not close in high school, but we knew who each other were. I ended up developing a huge crush on him. For eight years, we have been on and off. I love this man. I have waited and been patient thinking that one day we would be together. That day came about two weeks ago. Just not the the day I was hoping for. The lightbulb came on and it's bright. Blindingly bright in fact. 

After the lightbulb came on I knew it was time to move on. I think God or the universe turned that lightbulb on for me because I needed it after all these years. It was dim for a while but it's bright now.

My birthday was just a few weeks ago (July 5th). I went to the lake with my sister and niece. We were at dinner and I looked over to see this couple sitting at the bar. The way they looked at each, especially the guy looking at the girl triggered me. He was rubbing her back; you could feel the connection from across the room. When James and I would go out to dinner and sit at a bar, that's how we looked at each.  Every touch sent electricity through my body. I felt overwhelmed in this moment. I felt a sense of panic rush over me. I got extremely homesick. While being homesick is normal for me, it's not normal during a day at the lake. I didn't say anything to my sister or niece. What would I say? It would have sounded so foolish. 

I am not on Facebook but had recently reactivated my account to sell a few things on the garage sale groups. Facebook has it so you can set up a dating profile. I matched with a guy who is five years older than me, lives in a small town near me, and who was looking for a serious relationship. We messaged back and forth for a few days. Yesterday, he sent me his phone number. We texted a few times. He asked if he could call me and so he did. He had a country boy accent. We decided on where to meet for dinner and what time. I was very excited. I didn't mind that we didn't know anything about each other. Having done the online dating thing for years, the back and forth gets old. Lets meet in person and get to know each other. He texted me and said he was excited to meet me. I called a couple of friends to see what I should wear. I video chatted with my best friend in California while getting ready. Does anyone else not wear clothes while doing their makeup and hair? Let's just say my boobs were a topic of conversation during our video chat. If you can't video chat naked with your best friend, who can you video chat naked with? 

I got to the restaurant and he showed up shortly after.  He got out of his truck and he was cute. Looked just like his pictures.  He definitely didn't dress to impress. He gave me a hug and he smelled so good. We went inside and had to put our names in. The wait was about thirty-five minutes. We went back outside and he told me I looked hot and was beautiful. That wasn't the only time he told me I looked hot and beautiful. By the end of the night, it may have been up to fifty times. As we are standing outside, he became very handsy. I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it. It was just a lot having just met and not knowing anything about each other. He acted like we were on our tenth date. At one point, he leaned in to kiss me. I backed away. I said, "Nope. Not yet." Really? You want our first kiss to be in front of a restaurant with people standing around? He said by my doing that it made me hotter. We sat down for a bit outside on the benches. I attempted to make conversation about his two kids. He just wouldn't stop talking about my looks and being handsy. Finally, we sat down to eat. He told me I could get anything I wanted. Had we been at a five star restaurant, that would have been nice to hear. It was cheesy. I was afraid he was going to try to sit next to me in the booth. He didn't but made a comment about sitting next to him. I told him no that I would prefer to look across the table. He said if I sat by him then he could touch me. I can't explain why, but at some point during dinner, I started wondering if he was on something. I'm not exactly sure what, but my gut instinct was telling me he was. In fact, I almost texted my friend and asked her to look him up on public records (he had told me his last name at this point).  That's how much my instinct was telling me something was not right. While we waited for our table, we had discussed what we were going to do after dinner. By this time I had decided that doing anything after dinner was not going to happen. There were a few times even while waiting for our table, that he burped.  Not loud but not appropriate for a first date. He got ribs for dinner and ate like it was his first meal. I was grossed out. During dinner he asked me if I would want to date him. To be exclusive with just him. He asked me when he would see me again. He was on his phone a lot during the night too. Notifications not even on silent.  At this point, I am over it. He has no interest in me other than my looks. I'm trying to think of what I am going to say because I am definitely not doing anything with him after dinner. He pays and says that he is going to go home. I am assuming he was picking up on my vibe at this point. I never was rude or mean.  I just wasn't going to sit there and hold his hand while we waited for our food. We walk out to our cars and he gives me a hug goodbye and says he'll call me later. 

I was so happy to be in my car. I reached out to my work husband and his boyfriend and told them I was coming over. Part of me wanted to go home, but I also needed to be around people that I felt safe with.  I went over to his house and they had another friend over that I know. I said I just need to cuddle with a guy, gay or not, and feel safe. The friend pulled the blanket down and I laid down on the couch with him. I told all three of them the story. He texted me while I was there and said thanks for a good time. I asked if he made it home and he said no he was at his buddies house. He then asked me if I was interested in him. One of the guys said to respond with "Thank you for tonight, but no I am not interested." He said, "Ok....no worries....thank you for being honest." I then blocked him. Given how the night went and my past experiences, blocking him was necessary.

When we got to the restaurant, he used the bathroom which is expected having just drove forty minutes to meet me.  He went out to his truck to take his sunglasses off and put on his regular glasses while we waited for our table. Before we sat down for dinner, he used the bathroom again. He hadn't been drinking anything during that time.  He ordered one beer during dinner and didn't even drink it all but had to use the bathroom again. Anyone reading this I am sure is like you're suspicious of someone using the bathroom and going to their truck to get their glasses? Yes. Yes, I am.  Why? Because something changed in the two hours we were together.  His eyes changed and his personality changed. I followed my instinct and looked him up on public records. There are thirty-five results. I know it's him because they are all in the county where he lives. I also looked on another public records website where it shows the birthdate, and it's him. I asked him when his birthday is and it's next month. All of these results have a date of birth in August and the year is correct with how old he is. I can't decide which is my favorite. The pending criminal misdemeanor for operating a vehicle with a schedule I or II controlled substance, multiple burglaries, or habitual offender for neglect of a dependent.  

My instincts were right. Something was off. Guess the older, small town, country boy wasn't a good boy after all. 

My thoughts and emotions were all over the place during and after the date. Once I realized it was going south, I kept thinking I can't believe I did my makeup and hair for this. I could be at home on the couch, in my sweats, wrapped in blankets, watching Schitt's Creek for the one hundredth time. I tried to turn those thoughts into positives. You have to get out of the house and go on dates if you want to find someone. This is good for you. 

As I was sitting at the restaurant looking across the table at this stranger, I became resentful towards James. I was angry that after all this time, we are not going to be together and because of that, I was in this situation. Does that make sense? I know that sounds crazy and it's not his fault I am on this date. I blame myself for holding on for so long. I feel foolish when I think about the hope I held onto for all of these years. I really thought he was my happy ending. 

Perhaps I should hold off trying to date for now. My emotions and feelings are still raw and I need to heal first.

Highs and Lows

It was the mid-90's and I went to my first concert with my sister. We saw Boys II Men and Brandy. I remember where we sat in the Coliseum and even what I was wearing. What I also remember is the empty feeling I had when it was over. I have had that same feeling after most of the concerts I have been to. 

I remember years ago after Justin Bieber canceled his tour due to depression and simply needing a break, he discussed what it was like after the show was over. He felt that same high and then low. He's out on stage with hundreds of thousands of people, he meets with fans afterwards, and then he's all alone. I vaguely recall him canceling his meet and greets first because it became too much (don't quote me on that).

This feeling I'm sure is normal for a lot of people. In fact, I have had this discussion with my niece before and how she feels after a concert. 

A perfect fall day for me would be going to a bar, watching Notre Dame football, and having a bonfire later that night. About 5-6 years ago, an old friend was in town and we did just that. We went and got wings with my family and afterwards went back to my sister's for a bonfire. It was such a fun day. The next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was extremely depressed and sad that the day was over. I recall talking to my best friend and telling her it's almost not even worth it to feel this way. 

Even now, I find myself experiencing these same highs and lows. If I am around someone who makes me laugh and we have fun, I find myself in that low place after. 

Mentally, how I do "train" my mind to not stave off something or someone that may give me that high just so I do not have to experience the low. I want to experience all of the highs without the fear of the lows.

This and that

Let them judge you. 

Let them misunderstand you. 

Let them gossip about you. 

Their opinions are not your problem. 

You stay kind, committed to love, and free in your authenticity. 

No matter what they do or say do not dare doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. 

Just keep on shining like you do. 

At some point in our lives, we have been misunderstood. I used to beat myself up for not smiling more at people, for not being the first to initiate a conversation, or for not attempting to make small talk. Small talk is nothing short of exhausting for me. I think a lot of introverts will tell you the same thing. I would say some of it may be because I am a Cancer, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I know other Cancers who love to make small talk.  

I used to take the little snide comments personally. I don't so much anymore. If you really knew me, you would understand me. You would know that I am loyal and that I would do anything for someone I love.  You have to earn my respect. If I don't respect you, it's going to show. Don't mistake that lack of respect though for what you perceive my personality to be. Does that make sense? 

I had a boss years ago that I did not respect. I did not like myself around this person. I said what I wanted, acted how I wanted, sighed, and rolled my eyes. I had to take myself out of that situation and I did. I am a completely different person when I am around my boss now who I respect. 

At some point I stopped caring if someone misunderstood me. Why? Because I have people that do understand me and that is all that matters. Also, if you're going to take someone else's opinion of me and not form your own, then you're not someone I want close to me anyways. How do I know people do that? Their little comments tell me they listen to others opinions a/k/a gossip.  

I had a conversation with my best friend months ago. I told her I really need to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. She said, "why?! That's not you." She's right. Granted there are instances where one would keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions to themselves. I understand that. I am aware of those instances - well most of the time. 

We have all known someone who gets by in life doing the bare minimum. Whether it be at school, in sports, or at work. I am more troubled by that mentality than I am by the extra work it causes me. I just want to ask why? I am sure they want to ask me the same thing. Why, do you work so hard? I am sitting here doing the bare minimum and still getting paid. My answer would be because I would not like myself if I worked that way. Do you think these people know they are doing the bare minimum? Maybe they think they are doing the best they can. 

I would love insight on how you work through these life lessons. 

Embarrassment and Shame

After I published my Welcome Back  post, I read through some of my older posts. The disappointment, sadness, and overall embarrassment that washed over me was overwhelming. It made me wonder again why I am writing. Why am I still talking about and experiencing the same damn shit? It makes me so angry at myself. If I were an outsider reading my blog, I would think this girl needs to get it together. She needs to make a change. She's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Dear Outsider: "You're not wrong." 

I believe I am an intelligent woman. At least when it comes to my job, maintaining a home, and managing my finances.  That shit comes fairly easy to me.  Despite therapy, books, discussions with family and friends, and time, I cannot get a grip on feeling lonely. 

I dwell on having an abundance of down time.  Especially around this time when I am off work more than usual.  I try so hard to not feel that it eventually makes it worse. I shut people out and isolate myself. For instance, I was with eight people on New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and back to a friends house to play games. There is always a lot of laughter when we get together. Even then, being surrounded by eight other people, I felt lonely. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I do not let any of that go unacknowledged. With all that I have to be grateful for, I feel shame for it not being enough for me. I feel shame that I have this one tiny thing in my life that outshines all the good that I have. 

Welcome Back

The day after Christmas, I went on a whim to Best Buy and bought a MacBook Air. I have not had a workable laptop in years. When I first started writing it was to capture my dating life. At that time, I was able to write when I was at work. While I am still a Paralegal, I am not able to write at work. 

I brought the laptop home and opened my Blogger account. I wrote two paragraphs and became so overwhelmed that I frantically Googled how to restore the factory settings. I had every intention of taking it back the next day. In fact, I became so anxious that I almost drove back to Best Buy and returned it that same day. It sat on my kitchen table for two days until I put it in my car before work on Monday morning. I decided to not return it that day and brought it back home. It has sat on my kitchen table in the box until today. 

I was hesitant to start writing again for two reasons. One, I am not sure anyone really cares what I have to say. I am certain there are a million writers out there talking about the same shit I am. Two, if I start writing, I have to start working through my depression and anxiety. 

I have always been honest when I write and that certainly is not going to change. In fact, I have not even touched the surface on what I want to talk about. 

If you know me or have read any of my posts in the past, you know I struggle with being single. The last time I called anyone my boyfriend was in 2005. We broke up the weekend I moved into my new apartment. I realized recently that I measure so much of my life around that moment and I want to work on not doing that anymore. I no longer want it to hold that much significance or power in my life.  

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know my family and friends know that I struggle. I don't know they understand how deep it really goes. When any holiday comes around this is what I am thinking about. I am thinking about driving to the fireworks by myself and sitting in traffic on the way home by myself. I have woken up every 4th of July, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day for fifteen years by myself. I know some will say that I enjoy being alone. I do. Who does not enjoy their alone time? There is a difference though between being alone and being lonely. I am lonely. Being around family and friends helps the "being alone" part. It does not help the "being lonely." 

Recently, I listened to a podcast where someone asked the interviewee what it was like not having someone to share the "wins" with in life now that they were separated from their spouse. Let me tell you what it is like. It's horrible. It's lonely. I am so grateful that I have an amazing family to share my wins. There is something though that you get when you have a significant other, a partner in life, to share your  ups and downs. 

Over the summer, I made myself go explore my city. There was an amazing new park and a coffee shop downtown. Now that I do not work downtown, I do not get to enjoy it as much as I would like. I stopped at the coffee shop and got a treat and coffee. I then walked down to the park and relaxed on the swings and read. I shared some pictures of the renovations with my best friend who no longer lives in Fort Wayne. It was nice to have her to share that experience. She said she was proud of me for getting out of the house. I told her that I was proud of me too but that it was taking everything I had to not break down in the middle of the park crying. I felt so alone in that moment. I wanted so badly to share it with someone. That feeling becomes so overwhelming at times it becomes debilitating. 

Now that social media is so prominent in all of our lives, you see a lot of "you're not alone," "we're in this together," or "let me know if you need anything." Last night I watched a TikTok where this woman said she had spent the last seven years crying on New Years Eve because she was alone. She said she was embracing being along this year and was going to enjoy staying in. She said we were all in this together and not alone. I don't find comfort or relief in any of that. Anyone can tell you they are here for you. They can check in on you but I tend to feel that is more of an obligation than anything. If I reached out and expressed even half of the thoughts or feelings I have, people would not know how to respond. 

This is a good stopping point for me tonight. It has felt so good to write again.