Resistance

Last year around this same time, I was in physical therapy for my neck. I admit I didn't get much relief. It felt good while I was there but that was about it. There was one time, the therapist had me use a resistance band to do curls. I was in tears the entire time. It made me realize how weak my arms had become. I hurt so bad afterwards and I didn't even do that many curls. 

I spend all day trying to feel better. Whether it's using my massager, cupping, physical therapy, deep tissue massage, or prescriptions for pain management. I am so consumed with making sure I don't overdue it so I don't increase my pain which in turn is not helping because I am becoming weaker. 

The dry needling seemed to work for a few weeks. Then at one session, the therapist had me lift my head and hold it while laying down. It was very upsetting seeing how weak my neck is. That one move put me in so much pain. 

Last night I went to therapy. He said we're jumping right in to do everything that makes you feel better. He started with manual manipulation, dry needling, and even did some scrapping which is my favorite.  He ended with basically using his body weight and pushing on this specific spot under my shoulder blade. Besides the numbness and tingling in my arms, that spot causes me a lot of discomfort. I then rolled on my side and he was moving my shoulder blade around to get up under it and get to that spot. He again just pushed and pushed. When he asked me how it felt, I said, "oh, I could sit here all day while you did that." 

Therapists will do progress reports every month I believe. They have me hold my arms straight out in front of me and push down to test my strength. Every time (even last year), I get teary eyed because again, I have no strength. 

He did that last night and sure enough I teared up. He brought in weights for me to use while doing shoulder shrugs and I just looked at him like he was nuts. I am definitely dramatic during physical therapy. It makes me laugh and the therapist. Naturally, I was dramatic when he brought the weights in. I said I didn't want to do it. He said to try it and see how I feel. I did and it was exhausting. 

Because I am just not having any progress, he brought in another therapist that has been doing this a little longer. My therapist started telling her my resistance to any type of strengthening or exercise. For the next half hour or so I cried. We discussed how scared I am to do anything because I fear that it will cause more pain. We discussed working on things that will help my strength but doing those first in therapy and ending with manipulation, needling, scrapping, etc. Almost retraining my brain that if I do a, b, and c, I can then end with something that makes me feel good. She asked me to do shoulder shrugs throughout the day. She gave me a tennis ball that I can use to stand up against a wall and roll the ball over that spot under my shoulder blade. I was at therapy an extra 45mins. I appreciate them taking the time to figure out what they can do. I am trying everything possible to avoid surgery. I know it sounds simple - I am in excruciating pain everyday that is effecting my quality of life. I don't exercise anymore. I am not sleeping well. I hurt so bad so I don't want to go out and do anything. Why not have surgery? Who wouldn't be scared to have a disc removed from their neck? Why if it makes it worse? What if it's not any better? Of course, what if it does work? What if I do feel better? I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Rather I wish I knew what the outcome of surgery would be. It's just so scary. With the radiation down into my arms, I risk having permanent nerve damage too. 

Any suggestions or tips are welcomed.