Resent

Today was a rough work day. Do you ever sit back after a rough day (work-related or not) and think where did it all go wrong? I sat down at my desk this morning with my pumpkin spice coffee thinking it was going to be a fairly easy day. I had a few appointments, otherwise, was going to be able to stay in my office and work. A conversation first thing in the morning simply exhausted me. Then my morning appointment was rescheduled. It wasn't that my appointment was rescheduled, it was the way it was handled. It was just simply idiotic. I went to lunch, came back, and sat down at my desk with my peppermint stick coffee. I completed a weekly task that tends to frustrate me. It magnifies that people are not doing their job. I got a call that made me think my afternoon appointment was taken care of and I needn't be there. I went to the bathroom and came back to four missed calls only to find out that I was needed. I walked into the meeting and was not surprised to find someone unprepared as always. 

I realize my recount of the day isn't very descriptive nor does it seem rough. HA! I am trying to have some discretion. I am not referring to any clients; only co-workers. 

After washing my coffee cup and wrapping up for the day, I sat down at my desk at 4:50 and took a deep breath. I started to feel resent. Resent towards the co-workers whose responsibility at work is no where near mine. Resent towards co-workers who choose to sit on their phones all day, checking Facebook, reading the news, or simply staring out the window. My resent then switches to the bosses who either don't see or who choose not to see. 

We have all worked with lazy people. People who don't mind letting their laziness become someone else's problem. People who do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck. 

I am not one of those people. I never have been. Before I was old enough to work, I remember helping my Aunt Helen. I would stuff envelopes for her or do other little jobs. My mindset was always how can I be faster? Whatever I was stuffing the envelopes with maybe I could fold ten of them at a time instead of one. 

My first job I worked at a movie theater. I would have customers tell me my line moved the fastest. How fast could I fill a bag of popcorn while filling pops and grabbing candy? 

I started working at Target as a cashier when I was roughly 18. All I wanted was to be a supervisor. The supervisors eventually trusted me to be in charge of all of the cashiers and the service desk while they took a break or went on lunch. I ended up interviewing for a supervisor position and got it. 

That work ethic has continued until today. How can I be the fastest, most efficient, organized, etc.? When I am around others that don't have these traits, it drains me. It mentally drains me. 

So while I am resentful of those that find it easy to sit on their phones all day or browse social media, it's not who I am. I have had jobs where I wasn't all that busy and I would also be mentally exhausted at the end of the day for not using my brain. 

It'll be 20 years this year that I have been a paralegal. Because I only started working at my job about 3.5 years ago, I only have two weeks of vacation.  Have you ever sat back and thought about how many days off a year you get compared to how many days you work? I strongly advise against doing the math because it's very depressing. According to Google, there are 261 work days in 2021. Of those 261 days, I have 10 days off. That blows my mind. As I am sitting at my desk for the last 10 mins today I started thinking about taking a vacation day. I typically don't take days off until my birthday and then bank them until the end of the year. What if I get sick? What if something happens? How can you not bank your days when you only get 10? After thinking about it, my resent then turned towards those whose job responsibility is not as high as mine and yet have 3-4 weeks of vacation because they have been with my employer for several years. One position at my job especially jumps out. It's a very easy job, minimal responsibility, and stress and when this person takes any time off, they don't come back to the unanswered emails, unopened mail, voice mails, etc. 

Would I trade my salary or office for this position to have less stress? Somedays I think I would. Today being one of those days. 

My resent is just that...mine. I can complain about all of these things but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Somedays life just hits you harder than others. What is bothering me today may not bother me next week. It's just been a buildup the past few months and I have been so mentally exhausted. I can't seem to shake it. I really think if I could have a beach day, I would feel a little re-charged.