Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

I wonder…

what it would be like to have someone to...

1. wake up with every morning
2. come home to after work
3. drink coffee together 
4. celebrate holidays together 
5. decide what's for dinner
6. take spontaneous road trips 
7. be by your side through the wins and losses 
8. check in and see how your day is going 
9. want to see you smile 
10. hug everyday 
11. laugh and cry with 
12. hold your hand
13. celebrate your birthday with 
14. go on walks with 
15. make our own holiday traditions 
16. explore new restaurants with 
17. binge a TV show with 
18. buy a house with 
19. sit and talk to for hours 
20. tell you they love you 
21. want nothing but your company 
22. have a bonfire with 
23. eat wings and watch college football 
24. laugh until you cry together 
25. sing together in the car 
26. take care of you when you're sick 
27. grow old with
28. make love to everyday  
29. tell you when you're wrong 
30. be at your absolute worst but know that they are by your side holding your hand 

Everyday I ask myself “what it would be like to not be alone anymore?”

Highs and Lows

It was the mid-90's and I went to my first concert with my sister. We saw Boys II Men and Brandy. I remember where we sat in the Coliseum and even what I was wearing. What I also remember is the empty feeling I had when it was over. I have had that same feeling after most of the concerts I have been to. 

I remember years ago after Justin Bieber canceled his tour due to depression and simply needing a break, he discussed what it was like after the show was over. He felt that same high and then low. He's out on stage with hundreds of thousands of people, he meets with fans afterwards, and then he's all alone. I vaguely recall him canceling his meet and greets first because it became too much (don't quote me on that).

This feeling I'm sure is normal for a lot of people. In fact, I have had this discussion with my niece before and how she feels after a concert. 

A perfect fall day for me would be going to a bar, watching Notre Dame football, and having a bonfire later that night. About 5-6 years ago, an old friend was in town and we did just that. We went and got wings with my family and afterwards went back to my sister's for a bonfire. It was such a fun day. The next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was extremely depressed and sad that the day was over. I recall talking to my best friend and telling her it's almost not even worth it to feel this way. 

Even now, I find myself experiencing these same highs and lows. If I am around someone who makes me laugh and we have fun, I find myself in that low place after. 

Mentally, how I do "train" my mind to not stave off something or someone that may give me that high just so I do not have to experience the low. I want to experience all of the highs without the fear of the lows.

This and that

Let them judge you. 

Let them misunderstand you. 

Let them gossip about you. 

Their opinions are not your problem. 

You stay kind, committed to love, and free in your authenticity. 

No matter what they do or say do not dare doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. 

Just keep on shining like you do. 

At some point in our lives, we have been misunderstood. I used to beat myself up for not smiling more at people, for not being the first to initiate a conversation, or for not attempting to make small talk. Small talk is nothing short of exhausting for me. I think a lot of introverts will tell you the same thing. I would say some of it may be because I am a Cancer, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I know other Cancers who love to make small talk.  

I used to take the little snide comments personally. I don't so much anymore. If you really knew me, you would understand me. You would know that I am loyal and that I would do anything for someone I love.  You have to earn my respect. If I don't respect you, it's going to show. Don't mistake that lack of respect though for what you perceive my personality to be. Does that make sense? 

I had a boss years ago that I did not respect. I did not like myself around this person. I said what I wanted, acted how I wanted, sighed, and rolled my eyes. I had to take myself out of that situation and I did. I am a completely different person when I am around my boss now who I respect. 

At some point I stopped caring if someone misunderstood me. Why? Because I have people that do understand me and that is all that matters. Also, if you're going to take someone else's opinion of me and not form your own, then you're not someone I want close to me anyways. How do I know people do that? Their little comments tell me they listen to others opinions a/k/a gossip.  

I had a conversation with my best friend months ago. I told her I really need to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. She said, "why?! That's not you." She's right. Granted there are instances where one would keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions to themselves. I understand that. I am aware of those instances - well most of the time. 

We have all known someone who gets by in life doing the bare minimum. Whether it be at school, in sports, or at work. I am more troubled by that mentality than I am by the extra work it causes me. I just want to ask why? I am sure they want to ask me the same thing. Why, do you work so hard? I am sitting here doing the bare minimum and still getting paid. My answer would be because I would not like myself if I worked that way. Do you think these people know they are doing the bare minimum? Maybe they think they are doing the best they can. 

I would love insight on how you work through these life lessons. 

Embarrassment and Shame

After I published my Welcome Back  post, I read through some of my older posts. The disappointment, sadness, and overall embarrassment that washed over me was overwhelming. It made me wonder again why I am writing. Why am I still talking about and experiencing the same damn shit? It makes me so angry at myself. If I were an outsider reading my blog, I would think this girl needs to get it together. She needs to make a change. She's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Dear Outsider: "You're not wrong." 

I believe I am an intelligent woman. At least when it comes to my job, maintaining a home, and managing my finances.  That shit comes fairly easy to me.  Despite therapy, books, discussions with family and friends, and time, I cannot get a grip on feeling lonely. 

I dwell on having an abundance of down time.  Especially around this time when I am off work more than usual.  I try so hard to not feel that it eventually makes it worse. I shut people out and isolate myself. For instance, I was with eight people on New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and back to a friends house to play games. There is always a lot of laughter when we get together. Even then, being surrounded by eight other people, I felt lonely. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I do not let any of that go unacknowledged. With all that I have to be grateful for, I feel shame for it not being enough for me. I feel shame that I have this one tiny thing in my life that outshines all the good that I have. 

Welcome Back

The day after Christmas, I went on a whim to Best Buy and bought a MacBook Air. I have not had a workable laptop in years. When I first started writing it was to capture my dating life. At that time, I was able to write when I was at work. While I am still a Paralegal, I am not able to write at work. 

I brought the laptop home and opened my Blogger account. I wrote two paragraphs and became so overwhelmed that I frantically Googled how to restore the factory settings. I had every intention of taking it back the next day. In fact, I became so anxious that I almost drove back to Best Buy and returned it that same day. It sat on my kitchen table for two days until I put it in my car before work on Monday morning. I decided to not return it that day and brought it back home. It has sat on my kitchen table in the box until today. 

I was hesitant to start writing again for two reasons. One, I am not sure anyone really cares what I have to say. I am certain there are a million writers out there talking about the same shit I am. Two, if I start writing, I have to start working through my depression and anxiety. 

I have always been honest when I write and that certainly is not going to change. In fact, I have not even touched the surface on what I want to talk about. 

If you know me or have read any of my posts in the past, you know I struggle with being single. The last time I called anyone my boyfriend was in 2005. We broke up the weekend I moved into my new apartment. I realized recently that I measure so much of my life around that moment and I want to work on not doing that anymore. I no longer want it to hold that much significance or power in my life.  

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know my family and friends know that I struggle. I don't know they understand how deep it really goes. When any holiday comes around this is what I am thinking about. I am thinking about driving to the fireworks by myself and sitting in traffic on the way home by myself. I have woken up every 4th of July, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day for fifteen years by myself. I know some will say that I enjoy being alone. I do. Who does not enjoy their alone time? There is a difference though between being alone and being lonely. I am lonely. Being around family and friends helps the "being alone" part. It does not help the "being lonely." 

Recently, I listened to a podcast where someone asked the interviewee what it was like not having someone to share the "wins" with in life now that they were separated from their spouse. Let me tell you what it is like. It's horrible. It's lonely. I am so grateful that I have an amazing family to share my wins. There is something though that you get when you have a significant other, a partner in life, to share your  ups and downs. 

Over the summer, I made myself go explore my city. There was an amazing new park and a coffee shop downtown. Now that I do not work downtown, I do not get to enjoy it as much as I would like. I stopped at the coffee shop and got a treat and coffee. I then walked down to the park and relaxed on the swings and read. I shared some pictures of the renovations with my best friend who no longer lives in Fort Wayne. It was nice to have her to share that experience. She said she was proud of me for getting out of the house. I told her that I was proud of me too but that it was taking everything I had to not break down in the middle of the park crying. I felt so alone in that moment. I wanted so badly to share it with someone. That feeling becomes so overwhelming at times it becomes debilitating. 

Now that social media is so prominent in all of our lives, you see a lot of "you're not alone," "we're in this together," or "let me know if you need anything." Last night I watched a TikTok where this woman said she had spent the last seven years crying on New Years Eve because she was alone. She said she was embracing being along this year and was going to enjoy staying in. She said we were all in this together and not alone. I don't find comfort or relief in any of that. Anyone can tell you they are here for you. They can check in on you but I tend to feel that is more of an obligation than anything. If I reached out and expressed even half of the thoughts or feelings I have, people would not know how to respond. 

This is a good stopping point for me tonight. It has felt so good to write again.