Two Weeks Post-Op

I carry two pillows from my bed to the couch and back every morning and night. Those two pillows are positioned around two other pillows to support my head and arms. My range of motion is good looking left and right. Looking up and down is a bit more challenging. I make sure my head is positioned so that I am not looking down at the laptop while I work eight hours from the couch. It's the new norm for me but I know it won't last forever. 

I continue to do things around the house (i.e. dusting, mopping, vacuuming, laundry). When vacuuming, I used only my right arm and took small steps so that I was not extending my arm in and out at length. I am not lifting anything such as the trash, cat litter, or my 13lb cat, Amelya. 

The sutures on my incision all came off last Sunday. I am still having difficulty taking large bites or big gulps. I did a few calls with my boss and clients this week and when I was done, I felt like my incision/throat was swollen. I have started putting tiny drops of Vitamin E Oil around the incision and some Palmer's Coconut Body Lotion. 

I am still having numbness/tingling down into both arms. The doctor did say some people have immediate relief when waking up from surgery. I didn't have any expectation that would be the case for me. My nerves have been impinged for three years. I expect that it'll take some time. 

I started physical therapy on Monday. Once you get out of my neighborhood by taking two turns, you cross a main road and the therapy place is right there. I felt comfortable enough to drive there (otherwise I have not driven since before the surgery). It was nerve wrecking driving there but thankfully it's not far. I had to fill out initial paperwork which was very difficult for me. I already write like a five-year-old and even before surgery, it would take a lot of concentration and effort to write. Trying to fill out paperwork when you are hurting and can't look down is not fun. I got myself pretty worked up. The physical therapist started asking me questions about my history and how I was doing and I started crying. I knew I just had myself worked up from driving, filling out paperwork, and being somewhere I've never been before. Oh, and the lack of sleep. I haven't slept a whole night since surgery. He gave me three stretches to do while there and to do from home (which I have done everyday). I went back yesterday and he explained that you have nerves from your neck down into your arm. He said essentially you "floss" the nerves. He did some "flossing" with both arms. He then started massaging and putting pressure on this specific spot on my back; it's underneath my left shoulder blade. He was really moving things around. All of a sudden, it felt like a breeze washed over my left arm. It didn't last long after he stopped but my left arm felt lighter. 

Does it feel better? Does it feel different? Seems like simple questions to answer, right? My body is so accustomed to being in pain that for me, it's not a simple answer. I really try to differentiate between pre-surgery pain and post-surgery pain so I am not quick to answer. If anything, I just say "I don't know." 

I spoke with the physical therapist about my returning to work. I know he's not the surgeon, but wanted his thoughts. While I don't want to overdo it, I also don't want to nurse my symptoms by not being active or working. He said if he were in my situation and went into work, he would get so involved that next thing you know four hours has passed and you realize you're hurting. I told him that's EXACTLY my fear. I know me....I'll plan on going to work for two to three hours and next thing I know I'll have worked a full eight hour day. The next day will then be spent recuperating. I will take take one step forward and two steps back. He ended by saying that he thinks it's premature for me to return to work. While I knew that myself, I needed to talk it out. I am definitely a homebody, but this isn't me not wanting to go into work. I like being around my friends at work. I like doing my hair and makeup and putting real clothes and heels on. I am going to continue to listen to my body. That's all I can do.  

Relatable

A client called me yesterday to discuss her case. We went over the litigation process. I explained what happens after we file the lawsuit and that during the discovery phase, we will answer interrogatories and request for production of documents. I told her opposing counsel may want to take her deposition. I went over the bodily injury limits the Defendant has and the possibility of using her underinsured motorist limits on her policy. I explained that it was premature to evaluate the value of her case since we are still in the early stages of litigation. She said she was asking all of these questions regarding policy limits and the attorney fee because she will possibly have to have a second surgery and will need to hire an aid to come in and help her. She started to tear up and said that she didn't have any friends or family to help and then she said, "I don't have a boyfriend." My heart broke for her. She said, "I have no one." 

In the seconds before I responded, I was grateful that I do have friends and family who are going to be around to help next week after my surgery. I've also never related more to someone. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I miss the days where you could pick up the phone and make last minute plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner. Now, you have to wait until everyone checks their calendar and by the time a date matches up, it's two months later. 

What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am so sick and fucking tired of people thinking they understand what it is like for me to be alone all of the time. Actually, I don't even think people try to put themselves in my shoes. They just brush whatever I say under the rug. People don't know that on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. Screaming for help. Screaming for this  feeling to finally fucking end. 

Are You Working or Hardly Working?

Working as a paralegal does not, on a typical day, cause me much stress. I have been working in a law office for twenty years. Of course there are those days where you feel like you take one step forward and ten steps back. Maybe it's because the phone doesn't stop ringing, emails keep coming in, mail is piling up, and on occasion an emergency court filing. I may have five appointments one day and none the next. It is all manageable though.  

The past two weeks have been really hard for me. I am extremely anxious, stressed, and overall worked up. I am not sleeping the best. I get so consumed with my thoughts that no matter how much I try to dial the thoughts back and really focus on mindfulness, I am just not achieving it which makes me more anxiety ridden and stressed. 

I know that at any job, there is always going to be that one person(s) who shows up intending on doing the bare minimum only to collect a paycheck. We have all seen those memes -- "Thank you for all your hard work. Now we reward you by giving you other people's work to finish."

It's not the work that has been weighing on me these last two weeks. It's the people. People on their cell phones, taking half hour breaks, taking time off every week, and doing the bare minimum knowing that others will pick up the slack. I can tell you that having worked in a law firm for twenty years, taking a break is simply not something that anyone does. Yes, we may refill our coffee or visit a co-worker at their desk and catch up just to get away from our desk for a couple of minutes. Taking a full fifteen minute (or longer) break two times a day as if you are working retail is just not the norm. Yes, I realize by law, you are entitled to two fifteen minute breaks. Somedays this may get to me more than others but I can shake it off.  Why? Because it's not effecting me; until recently.  

Before I left work Friday, I filled out a form to request overtime. I left it on my desk intending to turn it in tomorrow. I'm not going to now. Why should I have to request overtime? I didn't get behind on my work. I was just given other's work to clean up. I am in a lot of physical pain most days at work because of my neck and the radiation down into my arms. The last thing I want to do is stay after 5:00. Especially with the weather only getting nicer. We all know weekends are not long enough. I need those two days for my mental health. I certainly don't want to go into work on a Saturday or Sunday. 

I am not sure who I am more upset with. The higher ups for allowing others to do the bare minimum or the ones doing the bare minimum. 

Never in the history of telling anyone to not let something bother you or to calm down has that ever worked. I am a hard worker. I have great work ethic. I am damn good at my job too. So, yes, I take this all very personal which in turn is having an effect on my mental and physical health. I am simply exhausted. The worst part? There is not a thing I can do to fix it. 

Resent

Today was a rough work day. Do you ever sit back after a rough day (work-related or not) and think where did it all go wrong? I sat down at my desk this morning with my pumpkin spice coffee thinking it was going to be a fairly easy day. I had a few appointments, otherwise, was going to be able to stay in my office and work. A conversation first thing in the morning simply exhausted me. Then my morning appointment was rescheduled. It wasn't that my appointment was rescheduled, it was the way it was handled. It was just simply idiotic. I went to lunch, came back, and sat down at my desk with my peppermint stick coffee. I completed a weekly task that tends to frustrate me. It magnifies that people are not doing their job. I got a call that made me think my afternoon appointment was taken care of and I needn't be there. I went to the bathroom and came back to four missed calls only to find out that I was needed. I walked into the meeting and was not surprised to find someone unprepared as always. 

I realize my recount of the day isn't very descriptive nor does it seem rough. HA! I am trying to have some discretion. I am not referring to any clients; only co-workers. 

After washing my coffee cup and wrapping up for the day, I sat down at my desk at 4:50 and took a deep breath. I started to feel resent. Resent towards the co-workers whose responsibility at work is no where near mine. Resent towards co-workers who choose to sit on their phones all day, checking Facebook, reading the news, or simply staring out the window. My resent then switches to the bosses who either don't see or who choose not to see. 

We have all worked with lazy people. People who don't mind letting their laziness become someone else's problem. People who do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck. 

I am not one of those people. I never have been. Before I was old enough to work, I remember helping my Aunt Helen. I would stuff envelopes for her or do other little jobs. My mindset was always how can I be faster? Whatever I was stuffing the envelopes with maybe I could fold ten of them at a time instead of one. 

My first job I worked at a movie theater. I would have customers tell me my line moved the fastest. How fast could I fill a bag of popcorn while filling pops and grabbing candy? 

I started working at Target as a cashier when I was roughly 18. All I wanted was to be a supervisor. The supervisors eventually trusted me to be in charge of all of the cashiers and the service desk while they took a break or went on lunch. I ended up interviewing for a supervisor position and got it. 

That work ethic has continued until today. How can I be the fastest, most efficient, organized, etc.? When I am around others that don't have these traits, it drains me. It mentally drains me. 

So while I am resentful of those that find it easy to sit on their phones all day or browse social media, it's not who I am. I have had jobs where I wasn't all that busy and I would also be mentally exhausted at the end of the day for not using my brain. 

It'll be 20 years this year that I have been a paralegal. Because I only started working at my job about 3.5 years ago, I only have two weeks of vacation.  Have you ever sat back and thought about how many days off a year you get compared to how many days you work? I strongly advise against doing the math because it's very depressing. According to Google, there are 261 work days in 2021. Of those 261 days, I have 10 days off. That blows my mind. As I am sitting at my desk for the last 10 mins today I started thinking about taking a vacation day. I typically don't take days off until my birthday and then bank them until the end of the year. What if I get sick? What if something happens? How can you not bank your days when you only get 10? After thinking about it, my resent then turned towards those whose job responsibility is not as high as mine and yet have 3-4 weeks of vacation because they have been with my employer for several years. One position at my job especially jumps out. It's a very easy job, minimal responsibility, and stress and when this person takes any time off, they don't come back to the unanswered emails, unopened mail, voice mails, etc. 

Would I trade my salary or office for this position to have less stress? Somedays I think I would. Today being one of those days. 

My resent is just that...mine. I can complain about all of these things but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Somedays life just hits you harder than others. What is bothering me today may not bother me next week. It's just been a buildup the past few months and I have been so mentally exhausted. I can't seem to shake it. I really think if I could have a beach day, I would feel a little re-charged.