Saturday, I got up and just putzed around the house. I figured I'd leave around 11:30. From the time I woke up until I left, I had an internal argument going on in my head about whether I should go. I do this every time I plan on going out of town by myself. Even the Saturdays when I am going to the beach which is literally my favorite place. It starts with, "Just stay home. You don't need to go anywhere." "What if I get into a car accident?" "I should probably invite someone to go with me." (i.e. mom, nieces, sister) "I should probably tell my parents I am going." "No, they'll see it on Find Friends and just text me and ask me what I am doing." (Or, in this instance, your sister will text you.) "I need to make sure I am back at a good time." (Um, why?) "Your anxiety can't handle this." "Ok. I showered. That's a start." "Your hair and makeup are done so we're doing this."
Shit is exhausting.
I will say that 20 years ago I would have never thought about going on a road trip by myself. Mainly, because there was a 50/50 chance the MapQuest directions that you printed would get you to where you wanted to go. I am extremely grateful for being able to take these roadtrips in a reliable car and for navigation.
I grabbed some snacks, made coffee, and turned on some Biggie and Tupac and headed to Indianapolis. I walked around the Castleton mall and then stopped at Nordstrom Rack which I had never been to. I thought about going into The Container Store but I figured that could be dangerous for me. It's a dream store for anyone who likes to organize. I thought about coming home until I realized The Fashion Mall was just down the street. It has a Saks which I had never been to. I had this perception that when I walked into Saks, I would be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman walking into stores on Rodeo Drive. I was wrong. The store was kind of dirty and did not have a lot of merchandise. The smell of weed when I walked in was so overpowering. Do people know they smell? I always wonder. The entrance I went into had shoes and designer bags. I will admit that seeing the Gucci, Chloe, and Saint Laurent bags was pretty cool. I walked over to the shoes and saw the wall with the Louboutin shoes. I have never seen a pair in person. In my mind, an alarm was going to go off when I got close to them. I imagined one of the sales associates coming up to me and telling me not to touch them. These shoes are famously known as "red bottoms" and typically start around $650. And, yes, I want a pair (size 7.5 wink wink). 
I walked through a few other stores in The Fashion Mall but quickly had an overwhelming feeling to get back to my car. There were a lot of people, not a lot of stores, and nothing that peeked my interest. I might have liked walking through Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn, but I was getting tired and my anxiety was running the show. I was down there for about 4-4.5 hours. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular and I didn't buy anything. It was just more so going into stores that we don't have here.
I have never been a fan of Indianapolis. It doesn't bring me joy like Chicago and Michigan. Indianapolis to me is where Joey had his transplant and where he passed away. I definitely did my fair share of clubbing with college girlfriends in Broadripple. Those nights typically turned into my babysitting my friends and being DD. I won't say we didn't have fun. We did. But I have happier memories of clubbing in Fort Wayne. I can drive through the city of Chicago and not get lost. If I drive through Indianapolis to get downtown, I always get lost (even with navigation). The traffic is horrendous too.
I'll take the day as a win for getting out of the house alone and going somewhere out of my comfort zone.
My surgery is 10-days away. For whatever reason, I feel nervous this time. Before it was canceled due to the snow, I didn't really feel anyway about it. I am ready to get the feeling back into my arms and not hurt.
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