Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Relatable

A client called me yesterday to discuss her case. We went over the litigation process. I explained what happens after we file the lawsuit and that during the discovery phase, we will answer interrogatories and request for production of documents. I told her opposing counsel may want to take her deposition. I went over the bodily injury limits the Defendant has and the possibility of using her underinsured motorist limits on her policy. I explained that it was premature to evaluate the value of her case since we are still in the early stages of litigation. She said she was asking all of these questions regarding policy limits and the attorney fee because she will possibly have to have a second surgery and will need to hire an aid to come in and help her. She started to tear up and said that she didn't have any friends or family to help and then she said, "I don't have a boyfriend." My heart broke for her. She said, "I have no one." 

In the seconds before I responded, I was grateful that I do have friends and family who are going to be around to help next week after my surgery. I've also never related more to someone. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I miss the days where you could pick up the phone and make last minute plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner. Now, you have to wait until everyone checks their calendar and by the time a date matches up, it's two months later. 

What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am so sick and fucking tired of people thinking they understand what it is like for me to be alone all of the time. Actually, I don't even think people try to put themselves in my shoes. They just brush whatever I say under the rug. People don't know that on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. Screaming for help. Screaming for this  feeling to finally fucking end. 

I wonder…

what it would be like to have someone to...

1. wake up with every morning
2. come home to after work
3. drink coffee together 
4. celebrate holidays together 
5. decide what's for dinner
6. take spontaneous road trips 
7. be by your side through the wins and losses 
8. check in and see how your day is going 
9. want to see you smile 
10. hug everyday 
11. laugh and cry with 
12. hold your hand
13. celebrate your birthday with 
14. go on walks with 
15. make our own holiday traditions 
16. explore new restaurants with 
17. binge a TV show with 
18. buy a house with 
19. sit and talk to for hours 
20. tell you they love you 
21. want nothing but your company 
22. have a bonfire with 
23. eat wings and watch college football 
24. laugh until you cry together 
25. sing together in the car 
26. take care of you when you're sick 
27. grow old with
28. make love to everyday  
29. tell you when you're wrong 
30. be at your absolute worst but know that they are by your side holding your hand 

Everyday I ask myself “what it would be like to not be alone anymore?”

Taking It All In

Not everyone thinks the way you do. That's what my dad tells me.

One of the many reasons I keep my circle small is because I have a tendency of taking on other people's shit. It's not my life and it's not affecting me so why do I burden myself? I can't answer that. I wish I could.  

I have tried to find a book relative to this topic, but to no avail. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life was recommended to me. I didn't get pass the first few pages. That book was horrible.  If you have any book recommendations, please leave them in the comments.  

While listening to Kevin Hart's podcast, Comedy Gold Minds, I noticed he was making comments that he was no longer giving advice. It struck me each time he said it. I knew there had to be a "why" behind his statement. Yesterday, I got the "why." He was talking to David Letterman on his podcast. He said, he had a conversation with Will Smith who said that he found out he was a selfish individual. When he gave advice, it was for people to become me. When you give advice and you're telling people what to do, you're telling them the way you did it most of the time. And if people do not choose to do it like that, sometimes you get upset and go you don't want to win or you don't want to be successful. In return, what you're saying is, you don't want to become me. He had to realize that it was a selfish approach to what he thought was help, wasn't help at all. He said he gives information and they can choose to use it or not.  

WOW. I'm not sure I need that book recommendation anymore. It all makes sense to me now. It was eyeopening in so many ways. I think this approach will help me in the future and allow me to not take on other people's shit. 

When I was on my girls trip last month, three of us were sitting outside at the Inn. It overlooks Lake Michigan. All you see is endless water. I have had this feeling before where I feel like I simply can't take it all in. I'm trying to think of times when I have had this feeling. I can only recall times where I have been by the water. Whether it be standing at Navy Pier in Chicago on the water or in California looking out at the ocean. 

Sure I can be drinking an amazing cup of coffee and stop to take in the taste and smell. Or maybe I am spending time with someone and I can stop and be mindful that I am in their presence and to soak up what remaining time we have together. I can stop and smell the lilacs in my backyard and take it all in. 

When I am near water, I can't take it all in. I make a conscious effort to be in the moment. I close my eyes to smell the water, feel the breeze on my face, and listen to the sound of the waves. I think to myself just five more minutes and I will have taken it all in. My soul is never full though. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I did express these thoughts while the three of us were sitting outside. A friend of mine said she knows exactly what I mean. My niece said she had no idea what we were talking about. We laughed. 

I'm glad I can't take it all in because I can keep going back and never have it be enough. I am OK with that.

First World Problems

Has anyone else noticed how service, particularly, in the food industry has gone down hill? The food is overpriced and lackluster at best. I'm not a big fast food eater. I do enjoy on the rare occasion, a butter burger from Culver's, or a sausage, egg, & cheese McMuffin from McDonald's at the start of a road trip. Otherwise, I prefer sit-down restaurants. This past weekend I went to Michigan City for an annual girls shopping trip. It's a day trip my mom, sister, and two nieces take before the kids go back to school. Aside from the outlets, there is not much in Michigan City - restaurants included. We started for home and stopped at a restaurant in South Bend for dinner. I realize we're in a pandemic; not sure if it's the tail end or beginning of a second one, and that we're all learning how to maneuver through it all.  Businesses included.  We walked into the restaurant and the hostess did not have a mask on, nor did any of the servers. They were not seating at capacity. Several tables were blocked off. We put in our name and she said it would be 25-30 minutes. We were not allowed to sit inside and wait at the front because of COVID. We had to wait outside. Half hour goes by and the group of people that were ahead of us are still waiting. I asked how long they had been waiting and she said about 40 minutes. One of the girls in that group went inside and asked how long until their table was going to be ready. She came out and said the hostess had told her another 10-15 minutes because they were short staffed on cooks. My group simultaneously got up to leave. Who knew how long it would be until we were seated and then how long until we got our food? My niece went inside to confirm with the hostess how much longer it would be. She told her the same; they were short on cooks. My niece told her they needed to tell the customers how long it is really going to be and that they are short staffed. We left and went down the street to Panera. I ordered one of their flat bread pizzas. It tasted like a Lean Cuisine pizza. It was terrible. My niece who is a vegetarian ordered a mediterranean bowl. It was filled with chicken. Oh, and the .5miles that it took us to drive to Panera, I got a text our table was ready at the restaurant. 

I can't think of much that I despise more than getting groceries and cooking. I wish I liked to cook. I wish it relaxed me like it does some people. I actually made something new yesterday. It was baked rice and mushrooms, seasoning, and vegetable broth. It wasn't bad. I'd do less garlic next time. I just do not enjoy any part of the process. 

In any event, I knew I had to get some groceries yesterday. I wanted to make that baked dish, get eggs, avocados, etc. I did not want to leave my house let alone go inside a store. The sun was out, I hadn't been home the day before, and I had things I wanted to do around my house. I thought about doing Shipt, or even going today on my lunch. I placed a drive-up order at Target. I've done it before and it's super easy. I'd only be gone roughly a half hour. I was making good time. I had washed all my bedding, vacuumed, swept the kitchen floor, and finished a few other odds and ends stuff around my house.  I left to go pick-up my order, with the thought of coming home, making coffee, sitting in the sun for a bit, before coloring my hair/showering. I would be back by 1:00 and have the whole afternoon. I got home from Target and started unloading the bags. The first bag had Cheetos and some other chips.  That's odd, I don't eat that stuff. Pull a second bag out - it's diapers. I sure as hell know that's not mine. None of it was what I ordered. If you've never done a Target drive-up order, the bags they put your stuff in has a barcode on it with your name. They come out to your car and you show them the code that generates on the app. How did I get someone else's order? My first thought was, never mind. I'll go back another day and fix it. But, I needed the food. The food I had to talk myself into ordering and going to pickup. I called Target and no on answered. I called back and hit a different menu option and let the phone ring and ring until someone picked up. They transferred me to the drive-up team. The girl was so nice and apologetic. Naturally, my only option was to take everything back and get my correct order. I confirmed that I would not have to go into the store. I turned into that person who asked what they were going to do to fix this. I explained that I don't live just around the corner, but 15-20 minutes away (especially, with the construction). She said they would give me a gift card for $10. I felt guilty even asking what they were going to do to fix it because I knew damn well that no matter how mad I was, I am going to continue to shop at Target. It's like that guy you keep going back to even though he continues to fuck up. Target you have nothing to worry about. You've got 99 fuck-ups left before I even consider not coming back. 

I felt so silly how angry I was. It was bigger than them just mixing up my order. I had to give myself a pep talk to even order my groceries and force myself to go pick them up. As someone who suffers from anxiety, is an introvert, and needed a day home to recharge, having to go back to Target (albeit even the drive-up) was nothing short of exhausting for me. 

Instead of rushing back to Target, I decided to color my hair first and shower. I drove back and had to call when I got there. Again, I couldn't get anyone to answer the phone. It rang for over three minutes until they picked up. The girl came out with my stuff and apologized again. She was so nice and handed me a gift card for $15 instead of $10. I got home, put my groceries away, made that coffee, and sat outside in the sun. 

It was important for me to process why I was so angry. I never yelled at the girl. I certainly had a tone. It was more about me and what I was going through than what actually happened. This may not make sense to some but I know it will to others.

Back to My Roots

Holy shit. I sat down to start writing and heard buzzing. I assumed it was a fly in the blinds. Since I leave the patio door cracked for my two cats, I get flies in my house sometimes. I look over and it's quadruple the size of a fly. It had four (or more) legs and it looked hairy. I've dealt with a lot bugs over the years at my apartments and house.  I've had a bird and a baby mouse in my house from the cats. This bug had me flummoxed.  I considered calling my dad and begging him to come over, but I know he's getting ready for a wedding this afternoon. I didn't want the cats to try to get it. I took a page from David Rose in Schitt's Creek. I pulled the blinds up and took a Mason jar and put it over the bug. Finally got the nerve to slide the lid over the top. I got the legs caught in the lid and I'm certain it was screaming. I opened the screen door, took the lid off, and it flew away. I feel like it could be my greatest accomplishment. If you have not watched Schitt's Creek, here's the link to the scene.  

I started this blog years ago so I could write about shit I was going through while dating. It's also been a place for me to write about my depression, anxiety, and the effects of having been alone all these years. With that being said, we are about to dive into all of that and take it back to my roots of why I started this blog. This is going to be extremely honest and raw. 

I started working at Don Ayres as a night receptionist in September 2013. I worked there until May 2016. Someone I went to high school with (we'll call him James) also worked there. We were not close in high school, but we knew who each other were. I ended up developing a huge crush on him. For eight years, we have been on and off. I love this man. I have waited and been patient thinking that one day we would be together. That day came about two weeks ago. Just not the the day I was hoping for. The lightbulb came on and it's bright. Blindingly bright in fact. 

After the lightbulb came on I knew it was time to move on. I think God or the universe turned that lightbulb on for me because I needed it after all these years. It was dim for a while but it's bright now.

My birthday was just a few weeks ago (July 5th). I went to the lake with my sister and niece. We were at dinner and I looked over to see this couple sitting at the bar. The way they looked at each, especially the guy looking at the girl triggered me. He was rubbing her back; you could feel the connection from across the room. When James and I would go out to dinner and sit at a bar, that's how we looked at each.  Every touch sent electricity through my body. I felt overwhelmed in this moment. I felt a sense of panic rush over me. I got extremely homesick. While being homesick is normal for me, it's not normal during a day at the lake. I didn't say anything to my sister or niece. What would I say? It would have sounded so foolish. 

I am not on Facebook but had recently reactivated my account to sell a few things on the garage sale groups. Facebook has it so you can set up a dating profile. I matched with a guy who is five years older than me, lives in a small town near me, and who was looking for a serious relationship. We messaged back and forth for a few days. Yesterday, he sent me his phone number. We texted a few times. He asked if he could call me and so he did. He had a country boy accent. We decided on where to meet for dinner and what time. I was very excited. I didn't mind that we didn't know anything about each other. Having done the online dating thing for years, the back and forth gets old. Lets meet in person and get to know each other. He texted me and said he was excited to meet me. I called a couple of friends to see what I should wear. I video chatted with my best friend in California while getting ready. Does anyone else not wear clothes while doing their makeup and hair? Let's just say my boobs were a topic of conversation during our video chat. If you can't video chat naked with your best friend, who can you video chat naked with? 

I got to the restaurant and he showed up shortly after.  He got out of his truck and he was cute. Looked just like his pictures.  He definitely didn't dress to impress. He gave me a hug and he smelled so good. We went inside and had to put our names in. The wait was about thirty-five minutes. We went back outside and he told me I looked hot and was beautiful. That wasn't the only time he told me I looked hot and beautiful. By the end of the night, it may have been up to fifty times. As we are standing outside, he became very handsy. I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with it. It was just a lot having just met and not knowing anything about each other. He acted like we were on our tenth date. At one point, he leaned in to kiss me. I backed away. I said, "Nope. Not yet." Really? You want our first kiss to be in front of a restaurant with people standing around? He said by my doing that it made me hotter. We sat down for a bit outside on the benches. I attempted to make conversation about his two kids. He just wouldn't stop talking about my looks and being handsy. Finally, we sat down to eat. He told me I could get anything I wanted. Had we been at a five star restaurant, that would have been nice to hear. It was cheesy. I was afraid he was going to try to sit next to me in the booth. He didn't but made a comment about sitting next to him. I told him no that I would prefer to look across the table. He said if I sat by him then he could touch me. I can't explain why, but at some point during dinner, I started wondering if he was on something. I'm not exactly sure what, but my gut instinct was telling me he was. In fact, I almost texted my friend and asked her to look him up on public records (he had told me his last name at this point).  That's how much my instinct was telling me something was not right. While we waited for our table, we had discussed what we were going to do after dinner. By this time I had decided that doing anything after dinner was not going to happen. There were a few times even while waiting for our table, that he burped.  Not loud but not appropriate for a first date. He got ribs for dinner and ate like it was his first meal. I was grossed out. During dinner he asked me if I would want to date him. To be exclusive with just him. He asked me when he would see me again. He was on his phone a lot during the night too. Notifications not even on silent.  At this point, I am over it. He has no interest in me other than my looks. I'm trying to think of what I am going to say because I am definitely not doing anything with him after dinner. He pays and says that he is going to go home. I am assuming he was picking up on my vibe at this point. I never was rude or mean.  I just wasn't going to sit there and hold his hand while we waited for our food. We walk out to our cars and he gives me a hug goodbye and says he'll call me later. 

I was so happy to be in my car. I reached out to my work husband and his boyfriend and told them I was coming over. Part of me wanted to go home, but I also needed to be around people that I felt safe with.  I went over to his house and they had another friend over that I know. I said I just need to cuddle with a guy, gay or not, and feel safe. The friend pulled the blanket down and I laid down on the couch with him. I told all three of them the story. He texted me while I was there and said thanks for a good time. I asked if he made it home and he said no he was at his buddies house. He then asked me if I was interested in him. One of the guys said to respond with "Thank you for tonight, but no I am not interested." He said, "Ok....no worries....thank you for being honest." I then blocked him. Given how the night went and my past experiences, blocking him was necessary.

When we got to the restaurant, he used the bathroom which is expected having just drove forty minutes to meet me.  He went out to his truck to take his sunglasses off and put on his regular glasses while we waited for our table. Before we sat down for dinner, he used the bathroom again. He hadn't been drinking anything during that time.  He ordered one beer during dinner and didn't even drink it all but had to use the bathroom again. Anyone reading this I am sure is like you're suspicious of someone using the bathroom and going to their truck to get their glasses? Yes. Yes, I am.  Why? Because something changed in the two hours we were together.  His eyes changed and his personality changed. I followed my instinct and looked him up on public records. There are thirty-five results. I know it's him because they are all in the county where he lives. I also looked on another public records website where it shows the birthdate, and it's him. I asked him when his birthday is and it's next month. All of these results have a date of birth in August and the year is correct with how old he is. I can't decide which is my favorite. The pending criminal misdemeanor for operating a vehicle with a schedule I or II controlled substance, multiple burglaries, or habitual offender for neglect of a dependent.  

My instincts were right. Something was off. Guess the older, small town, country boy wasn't a good boy after all. 

My thoughts and emotions were all over the place during and after the date. Once I realized it was going south, I kept thinking I can't believe I did my makeup and hair for this. I could be at home on the couch, in my sweats, wrapped in blankets, watching Schitt's Creek for the one hundredth time. I tried to turn those thoughts into positives. You have to get out of the house and go on dates if you want to find someone. This is good for you. 

As I was sitting at the restaurant looking across the table at this stranger, I became resentful towards James. I was angry that after all this time, we are not going to be together and because of that, I was in this situation. Does that make sense? I know that sounds crazy and it's not his fault I am on this date. I blame myself for holding on for so long. I feel foolish when I think about the hope I held onto for all of these years. I really thought he was my happy ending. 

Perhaps I should hold off trying to date for now. My emotions and feelings are still raw and I need to heal first.

This and that

Let them judge you. 

Let them misunderstand you. 

Let them gossip about you. 

Their opinions are not your problem. 

You stay kind, committed to love, and free in your authenticity. 

No matter what they do or say do not dare doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. 

Just keep on shining like you do. 

At some point in our lives, we have been misunderstood. I used to beat myself up for not smiling more at people, for not being the first to initiate a conversation, or for not attempting to make small talk. Small talk is nothing short of exhausting for me. I think a lot of introverts will tell you the same thing. I would say some of it may be because I am a Cancer, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I know other Cancers who love to make small talk.  

I used to take the little snide comments personally. I don't so much anymore. If you really knew me, you would understand me. You would know that I am loyal and that I would do anything for someone I love.  You have to earn my respect. If I don't respect you, it's going to show. Don't mistake that lack of respect though for what you perceive my personality to be. Does that make sense? 

I had a boss years ago that I did not respect. I did not like myself around this person. I said what I wanted, acted how I wanted, sighed, and rolled my eyes. I had to take myself out of that situation and I did. I am a completely different person when I am around my boss now who I respect. 

At some point I stopped caring if someone misunderstood me. Why? Because I have people that do understand me and that is all that matters. Also, if you're going to take someone else's opinion of me and not form your own, then you're not someone I want close to me anyways. How do I know people do that? Their little comments tell me they listen to others opinions a/k/a gossip.  

I had a conversation with my best friend months ago. I told her I really need to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. She said, "why?! That's not you." She's right. Granted there are instances where one would keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions to themselves. I understand that. I am aware of those instances - well most of the time. 

We have all known someone who gets by in life doing the bare minimum. Whether it be at school, in sports, or at work. I am more troubled by that mentality than I am by the extra work it causes me. I just want to ask why? I am sure they want to ask me the same thing. Why, do you work so hard? I am sitting here doing the bare minimum and still getting paid. My answer would be because I would not like myself if I worked that way. Do you think these people know they are doing the bare minimum? Maybe they think they are doing the best they can. 

I would love insight on how you work through these life lessons. 

Self-Care

Typically, I don't like to use the term "self-care." As someone without kids and a significant other, I have an infinite amount of time for self-care. I feel if I told anyone I took time today for self-care, they would think to themselves that's everyday for me. 

Because I do have depression, anxiety, and am extremely lonely most days, I do spend a lot of time searching for anything that might bring me a little bit of happy. I guess you could call that self-care. One of my favorite things to do on the weekends that really relaxes me is after I take a shower, I moisture my face with my favorite skin care products, put on a bunch of lotion (feet included), shea butter socks, comfy clothes, and let my hair air dry. I then curl up on the couch with all of my blankets   I feel relaxed, comfy, and cozy. Letting my hair air dry is extremely gratifying for me. 

Today I went to Marshall's and picked out a couple self-care items. I also picked out a new lotion at Target. My skin has been hurting this winter. 

We certainly all have our own struggles. Just because mine looks different than someone else's doesn't mean I should feel embarrassed for having a day of self-care. 

I am extremely grateful this weekend. While I have been in excruciating pain due to my neck and the radiation down into my arms, I have been in a really good mood. I have had a little extra energy. I was a little anxious yesterday and today before going out to run errands but it was short lived which I am thankful for. 

I don't take the good days for granted. I appreciate them. Part of me questions it, but I practice mindfulness and don't allow myself to go there for long. 

A little bit of exciting news too. I may be getting a new car this week. 

Getting Old Really Is a Bitch

Roughly two years ago, I started having numbness and tingling in both of my arms. I had a MRI done of my neck. I then went to a neurosurgeon who suggested I get an Electromyography (EMG). He was certain I had carpal tunnel in both arms. In fact, he said, call me after the EMG to schedule surgery. I on the other hand was not convinced that I had carpal tunnel in both arms.  The doctor who performed the EMG told me right then she saw no signs of carpal tunnel. I contacted the surgeon and his nurse told me that because I didn't have carpal tunnel, he wasn't going to see me again. I went back to my family doctor. He ordered physical therapy.  I started physical therapy a year ago. It helped while I was there. It was basically a very expensive massage. When COVID hit last March, I stopped going to physical therapy. My family doctor sent me to a neck surgeon. He suggested a disc replacement. He said I could have the surgery on Friday and be back to work on Monday (mmm...not sure how I feel about that). My family doctor started me on Gabapentin which is a nerve medication. He also prescribed Meloxicam which is a stronger Ibuprofen. I made an appointment with pain management to discuss injections. Surgery was scheduled for an injection.  He suggested I take the Meloxicam everyday (opposed to as-needed).  He said it would help with my arthritis.  Which it did. After meeting with the doctor, I had to give a urine sample which did not go well with his staff.  Needless to say, I did not go back for the injection.  I went to a second pain management doctor who also suggested an injection.  I scheduled the injection. The only relief I received from the injection, was the drugs they gave me beforehand. The injection wasn't too bad. It just felt like pressure on my neck. I had the injection in the fall of last year.  A few months ago, I started going to a chiropractor. Once or twice I felt a little better when leaving, but otherwise had no relief. The chiropractor suggested I work on eating anti-inflammatory foods. That consists mainly of meat, eggs, nuts, fruits/veggies. I am not saying he's wrong but I didn't want to be preached to when I go in and get an adjustment. Because I was not finding it beneficial, I have stopped going. 

Around Thanksgiving, I started having very bad stomach pains.  The walk-in doctor I saw suggested I stop taking the Meloxicam because it could cause bleeding ulcers. Great, the one thing I felt was helping my arms, I was told to stop.  

I started dry needling last week.  I am going twice a week for four weeks. I am hopeful this will provide me with some relief. 

The last two weeks I have not slept well at all. Initially, it was because I was going to start my period. Who knew that insomnia was a precursor to starting your period? I have always noticed that I don't sleep as well before I start my period. It has definitely gotten worse these last few months. According to Google, it is because of the change in your estrogen and progesterone levels. My sleeping did not improve after I started my period. 

I am not sleeping because I am in pain and uncomfortable all the time. I wake up and both arms are completely asleep. My neck has been really stiff the past few weeks too.  I don't drink or do drugs - I sleep! I have not felt mentally refreshed for a couple of weeks now. I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there. Friday when I got off work, I was so exhausted. I thought surely I won't make it until 8:00 p.m. I was up until after 11:00 p.m. Because I cannot get enough sleep to feel refreshed, I am extremely grouchy. I feel horrible being around my friends and being so down. 

A lot of people struggle through these first few months of any new year. The holidays are over. It's too cold to be outside. There are no days off until Memorial Day. All of this is exacerbated by COVID. Last night I Googled flights to California. I see today that California lifted the stay-at-home order. I could possibly go out there for a long weekend. However, with my neck pain being what it is, I am not sure how I would do on a plane and carrying my baggage through an airport. 

I know right now is just a little more rough than usual. I am trying with every fiber of my being to stay positive.  Since driving is extremely uncomfortable for me, I have been staying home a lot on the weekends.  

I am looking forward to possibly getting the inside of my house painted soon. I would also like to get my tattoo scheduled. 

I take Amelya next Thursday to get a giant cyst removed off her back which I am absolutely dreading. 

A friendship/dating relationship recently came to an end at Christmas. I am physically exhausted fighting for someone who is not fighting for me. I find myself typing a text message to make plans with this person because I miss them so much. I don't hit send though. It's like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman. I want the fairy tale. I want the big gesture. I need to feel I am what this person wants and I don't. I am not sure I ever have. Right now I have to let it go. Like I said, I am so tired and the fight is gone. Rightfully so until I get the same energy back. 

Note to self: Ask mom when she went through menopause. I am certain it is on the horizon.

If anyone has feedback on my neck problems, please share! I am eager to talk to others who experience the same type of pain. Did you have surgery? If not, what conservative measures have worked for you?

Embarrassment and Shame

After I published my Welcome Back  post, I read through some of my older posts. The disappointment, sadness, and overall embarrassment that washed over me was overwhelming. It made me wonder again why I am writing. Why am I still talking about and experiencing the same damn shit? It makes me so angry at myself. If I were an outsider reading my blog, I would think this girl needs to get it together. She needs to make a change. She's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Dear Outsider: "You're not wrong." 

I believe I am an intelligent woman. At least when it comes to my job, maintaining a home, and managing my finances.  That shit comes fairly easy to me.  Despite therapy, books, discussions with family and friends, and time, I cannot get a grip on feeling lonely. 

I dwell on having an abundance of down time.  Especially around this time when I am off work more than usual.  I try so hard to not feel that it eventually makes it worse. I shut people out and isolate myself. For instance, I was with eight people on New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and back to a friends house to play games. There is always a lot of laughter when we get together. Even then, being surrounded by eight other people, I felt lonely. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I do not let any of that go unacknowledged. With all that I have to be grateful for, I feel shame for it not being enough for me. I feel shame that I have this one tiny thing in my life that outshines all the good that I have. 

Welcome Back

The day after Christmas, I went on a whim to Best Buy and bought a MacBook Air. I have not had a workable laptop in years. When I first started writing it was to capture my dating life. At that time, I was able to write when I was at work. While I am still a Paralegal, I am not able to write at work. 

I brought the laptop home and opened my Blogger account. I wrote two paragraphs and became so overwhelmed that I frantically Googled how to restore the factory settings. I had every intention of taking it back the next day. In fact, I became so anxious that I almost drove back to Best Buy and returned it that same day. It sat on my kitchen table for two days until I put it in my car before work on Monday morning. I decided to not return it that day and brought it back home. It has sat on my kitchen table in the box until today. 

I was hesitant to start writing again for two reasons. One, I am not sure anyone really cares what I have to say. I am certain there are a million writers out there talking about the same shit I am. Two, if I start writing, I have to start working through my depression and anxiety. 

I have always been honest when I write and that certainly is not going to change. In fact, I have not even touched the surface on what I want to talk about. 

If you know me or have read any of my posts in the past, you know I struggle with being single. The last time I called anyone my boyfriend was in 2005. We broke up the weekend I moved into my new apartment. I realized recently that I measure so much of my life around that moment and I want to work on not doing that anymore. I no longer want it to hold that much significance or power in my life.  

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know my family and friends know that I struggle. I don't know they understand how deep it really goes. When any holiday comes around this is what I am thinking about. I am thinking about driving to the fireworks by myself and sitting in traffic on the way home by myself. I have woken up every 4th of July, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day for fifteen years by myself. I know some will say that I enjoy being alone. I do. Who does not enjoy their alone time? There is a difference though between being alone and being lonely. I am lonely. Being around family and friends helps the "being alone" part. It does not help the "being lonely." 

Recently, I listened to a podcast where someone asked the interviewee what it was like not having someone to share the "wins" with in life now that they were separated from their spouse. Let me tell you what it is like. It's horrible. It's lonely. I am so grateful that I have an amazing family to share my wins. There is something though that you get when you have a significant other, a partner in life, to share your  ups and downs. 

Over the summer, I made myself go explore my city. There was an amazing new park and a coffee shop downtown. Now that I do not work downtown, I do not get to enjoy it as much as I would like. I stopped at the coffee shop and got a treat and coffee. I then walked down to the park and relaxed on the swings and read. I shared some pictures of the renovations with my best friend who no longer lives in Fort Wayne. It was nice to have her to share that experience. She said she was proud of me for getting out of the house. I told her that I was proud of me too but that it was taking everything I had to not break down in the middle of the park crying. I felt so alone in that moment. I wanted so badly to share it with someone. That feeling becomes so overwhelming at times it becomes debilitating. 

Now that social media is so prominent in all of our lives, you see a lot of "you're not alone," "we're in this together," or "let me know if you need anything." Last night I watched a TikTok where this woman said she had spent the last seven years crying on New Years Eve because she was alone. She said she was embracing being along this year and was going to enjoy staying in. She said we were all in this together and not alone. I don't find comfort or relief in any of that. Anyone can tell you they are here for you. They can check in on you but I tend to feel that is more of an obligation than anything. If I reached out and expressed even half of the thoughts or feelings I have, people would not know how to respond. 

This is a good stopping point for me tonight. It has felt so good to write again.