First World Problems

Has anyone else noticed how service, particularly, in the food industry has gone down hill? The food is overpriced and lackluster at best. I'm not a big fast food eater. I do enjoy on the rare occasion, a butter burger from Culver's, or a sausage, egg, & cheese McMuffin from McDonald's at the start of a road trip. Otherwise, I prefer sit-down restaurants. This past weekend I went to Michigan City for an annual girls shopping trip. It's a day trip my mom, sister, and two nieces take before the kids go back to school. Aside from the outlets, there is not much in Michigan City - restaurants included. We started for home and stopped at a restaurant in South Bend for dinner. I realize we're in a pandemic; not sure if it's the tail end or beginning of a second one, and that we're all learning how to maneuver through it all.  Businesses included.  We walked into the restaurant and the hostess did not have a mask on, nor did any of the servers. They were not seating at capacity. Several tables were blocked off. We put in our name and she said it would be 25-30 minutes. We were not allowed to sit inside and wait at the front because of COVID. We had to wait outside. Half hour goes by and the group of people that were ahead of us are still waiting. I asked how long they had been waiting and she said about 40 minutes. One of the girls in that group went inside and asked how long until their table was going to be ready. She came out and said the hostess had told her another 10-15 minutes because they were short staffed on cooks. My group simultaneously got up to leave. Who knew how long it would be until we were seated and then how long until we got our food? My niece went inside to confirm with the hostess how much longer it would be. She told her the same; they were short on cooks. My niece told her they needed to tell the customers how long it is really going to be and that they are short staffed. We left and went down the street to Panera. I ordered one of their flat bread pizzas. It tasted like a Lean Cuisine pizza. It was terrible. My niece who is a vegetarian ordered a mediterranean bowl. It was filled with chicken. Oh, and the .5miles that it took us to drive to Panera, I got a text our table was ready at the restaurant. 

I can't think of much that I despise more than getting groceries and cooking. I wish I liked to cook. I wish it relaxed me like it does some people. I actually made something new yesterday. It was baked rice and mushrooms, seasoning, and vegetable broth. It wasn't bad. I'd do less garlic next time. I just do not enjoy any part of the process. 

In any event, I knew I had to get some groceries yesterday. I wanted to make that baked dish, get eggs, avocados, etc. I did not want to leave my house let alone go inside a store. The sun was out, I hadn't been home the day before, and I had things I wanted to do around my house. I thought about doing Shipt, or even going today on my lunch. I placed a drive-up order at Target. I've done it before and it's super easy. I'd only be gone roughly a half hour. I was making good time. I had washed all my bedding, vacuumed, swept the kitchen floor, and finished a few other odds and ends stuff around my house.  I left to go pick-up my order, with the thought of coming home, making coffee, sitting in the sun for a bit, before coloring my hair/showering. I would be back by 1:00 and have the whole afternoon. I got home from Target and started unloading the bags. The first bag had Cheetos and some other chips.  That's odd, I don't eat that stuff. Pull a second bag out - it's diapers. I sure as hell know that's not mine. None of it was what I ordered. If you've never done a Target drive-up order, the bags they put your stuff in has a barcode on it with your name. They come out to your car and you show them the code that generates on the app. How did I get someone else's order? My first thought was, never mind. I'll go back another day and fix it. But, I needed the food. The food I had to talk myself into ordering and going to pickup. I called Target and no on answered. I called back and hit a different menu option and let the phone ring and ring until someone picked up. They transferred me to the drive-up team. The girl was so nice and apologetic. Naturally, my only option was to take everything back and get my correct order. I confirmed that I would not have to go into the store. I turned into that person who asked what they were going to do to fix this. I explained that I don't live just around the corner, but 15-20 minutes away (especially, with the construction). She said they would give me a gift card for $10. I felt guilty even asking what they were going to do to fix it because I knew damn well that no matter how mad I was, I am going to continue to shop at Target. It's like that guy you keep going back to even though he continues to fuck up. Target you have nothing to worry about. You've got 99 fuck-ups left before I even consider not coming back. 

I felt so silly how angry I was. It was bigger than them just mixing up my order. I had to give myself a pep talk to even order my groceries and force myself to go pick them up. As someone who suffers from anxiety, is an introvert, and needed a day home to recharge, having to go back to Target (albeit even the drive-up) was nothing short of exhausting for me. 

Instead of rushing back to Target, I decided to color my hair first and shower. I drove back and had to call when I got there. Again, I couldn't get anyone to answer the phone. It rang for over three minutes until they picked up. The girl came out with my stuff and apologized again. She was so nice and handed me a gift card for $15 instead of $10. I got home, put my groceries away, made that coffee, and sat outside in the sun. 

It was important for me to process why I was so angry. I never yelled at the girl. I certainly had a tone. It was more about me and what I was going through than what actually happened. This may not make sense to some but I know it will to others.

Highs and Lows

It was the mid-90's and I went to my first concert with my sister. We saw Boys II Men and Brandy. I remember where we sat in the Coliseum and even what I was wearing. What I also remember is the empty feeling I had when it was over. I have had that same feeling after most of the concerts I have been to. 

I remember years ago after Justin Bieber canceled his tour due to depression and simply needing a break, he discussed what it was like after the show was over. He felt that same high and then low. He's out on stage with hundreds of thousands of people, he meets with fans afterwards, and then he's all alone. I vaguely recall him canceling his meet and greets first because it became too much (don't quote me on that).

This feeling I'm sure is normal for a lot of people. In fact, I have had this discussion with my niece before and how she feels after a concert. 

A perfect fall day for me would be going to a bar, watching Notre Dame football, and having a bonfire later that night. About 5-6 years ago, an old friend was in town and we did just that. We went and got wings with my family and afterwards went back to my sister's for a bonfire. It was such a fun day. The next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I was extremely depressed and sad that the day was over. I recall talking to my best friend and telling her it's almost not even worth it to feel this way. 

Even now, I find myself experiencing these same highs and lows. If I am around someone who makes me laugh and we have fun, I find myself in that low place after. 

Mentally, how I do "train" my mind to not stave off something or someone that may give me that high just so I do not have to experience the low. I want to experience all of the highs without the fear of the lows.

Embarrassment and Shame

After I published my Welcome Back  post, I read through some of my older posts. The disappointment, sadness, and overall embarrassment that washed over me was overwhelming. It made me wonder again why I am writing. Why am I still talking about and experiencing the same damn shit? It makes me so angry at myself. If I were an outsider reading my blog, I would think this girl needs to get it together. She needs to make a change. She's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Dear Outsider: "You're not wrong." 

I believe I am an intelligent woman. At least when it comes to my job, maintaining a home, and managing my finances.  That shit comes fairly easy to me.  Despite therapy, books, discussions with family and friends, and time, I cannot get a grip on feeling lonely. 

I dwell on having an abundance of down time.  Especially around this time when I am off work more than usual.  I try so hard to not feel that it eventually makes it worse. I shut people out and isolate myself. For instance, I was with eight people on New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and back to a friends house to play games. There is always a lot of laughter when we get together. Even then, being surrounded by eight other people, I felt lonely. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I do not let any of that go unacknowledged. With all that I have to be grateful for, I feel shame for it not being enough for me. I feel shame that I have this one tiny thing in my life that outshines all the good that I have. 

Welcome Back

The day after Christmas, I went on a whim to Best Buy and bought a MacBook Air. I have not had a workable laptop in years. When I first started writing it was to capture my dating life. At that time, I was able to write when I was at work. While I am still a Paralegal, I am not able to write at work. 

I brought the laptop home and opened my Blogger account. I wrote two paragraphs and became so overwhelmed that I frantically Googled how to restore the factory settings. I had every intention of taking it back the next day. In fact, I became so anxious that I almost drove back to Best Buy and returned it that same day. It sat on my kitchen table for two days until I put it in my car before work on Monday morning. I decided to not return it that day and brought it back home. It has sat on my kitchen table in the box until today. 

I was hesitant to start writing again for two reasons. One, I am not sure anyone really cares what I have to say. I am certain there are a million writers out there talking about the same shit I am. Two, if I start writing, I have to start working through my depression and anxiety. 

I have always been honest when I write and that certainly is not going to change. In fact, I have not even touched the surface on what I want to talk about. 

If you know me or have read any of my posts in the past, you know I struggle with being single. The last time I called anyone my boyfriend was in 2005. We broke up the weekend I moved into my new apartment. I realized recently that I measure so much of my life around that moment and I want to work on not doing that anymore. I no longer want it to hold that much significance or power in my life.  

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know my family and friends know that I struggle. I don't know they understand how deep it really goes. When any holiday comes around this is what I am thinking about. I am thinking about driving to the fireworks by myself and sitting in traffic on the way home by myself. I have woken up every 4th of July, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day for fifteen years by myself. I know some will say that I enjoy being alone. I do. Who does not enjoy their alone time? There is a difference though between being alone and being lonely. I am lonely. Being around family and friends helps the "being alone" part. It does not help the "being lonely." 

Recently, I listened to a podcast where someone asked the interviewee what it was like not having someone to share the "wins" with in life now that they were separated from their spouse. Let me tell you what it is like. It's horrible. It's lonely. I am so grateful that I have an amazing family to share my wins. There is something though that you get when you have a significant other, a partner in life, to share your  ups and downs. 

Over the summer, I made myself go explore my city. There was an amazing new park and a coffee shop downtown. Now that I do not work downtown, I do not get to enjoy it as much as I would like. I stopped at the coffee shop and got a treat and coffee. I then walked down to the park and relaxed on the swings and read. I shared some pictures of the renovations with my best friend who no longer lives in Fort Wayne. It was nice to have her to share that experience. She said she was proud of me for getting out of the house. I told her that I was proud of me too but that it was taking everything I had to not break down in the middle of the park crying. I felt so alone in that moment. I wanted so badly to share it with someone. That feeling becomes so overwhelming at times it becomes debilitating. 

Now that social media is so prominent in all of our lives, you see a lot of "you're not alone," "we're in this together," or "let me know if you need anything." Last night I watched a TikTok where this woman said she had spent the last seven years crying on New Years Eve because she was alone. She said she was embracing being along this year and was going to enjoy staying in. She said we were all in this together and not alone. I don't find comfort or relief in any of that. Anyone can tell you they are here for you. They can check in on you but I tend to feel that is more of an obligation than anything. If I reached out and expressed even half of the thoughts or feelings I have, people would not know how to respond. 

This is a good stopping point for me tonight. It has felt so good to write again.