Are You Working or Hardly Working?

Working as a paralegal does not, on a typical day, cause me much stress. I have been working in a law office for twenty years. Of course there are those days where you feel like you take one step forward and ten steps back. Maybe it's because the phone doesn't stop ringing, emails keep coming in, mail is piling up, and on occasion an emergency court filing. I may have five appointments one day and none the next. It is all manageable though.  

The past two weeks have been really hard for me. I am extremely anxious, stressed, and overall worked up. I am not sleeping the best. I get so consumed with my thoughts that no matter how much I try to dial the thoughts back and really focus on mindfulness, I am just not achieving it which makes me more anxiety ridden and stressed. 

I know that at any job, there is always going to be that one person(s) who shows up intending on doing the bare minimum only to collect a paycheck. We have all seen those memes -- "Thank you for all your hard work. Now we reward you by giving you other people's work to finish."

It's not the work that has been weighing on me these last two weeks. It's the people. People on their cell phones, taking half hour breaks, taking time off every week, and doing the bare minimum knowing that others will pick up the slack. I can tell you that having worked in a law firm for twenty years, taking a break is simply not something that anyone does. Yes, we may refill our coffee or visit a co-worker at their desk and catch up just to get away from our desk for a couple of minutes. Taking a full fifteen minute (or longer) break two times a day as if you are working retail is just not the norm. Yes, I realize by law, you are entitled to two fifteen minute breaks. Somedays this may get to me more than others but I can shake it off.  Why? Because it's not effecting me; until recently.  

Before I left work Friday, I filled out a form to request overtime. I left it on my desk intending to turn it in tomorrow. I'm not going to now. Why should I have to request overtime? I didn't get behind on my work. I was just given other's work to clean up. I am in a lot of physical pain most days at work because of my neck and the radiation down into my arms. The last thing I want to do is stay after 5:00. Especially with the weather only getting nicer. We all know weekends are not long enough. I need those two days for my mental health. I certainly don't want to go into work on a Saturday or Sunday. 

I am not sure who I am more upset with. The higher ups for allowing others to do the bare minimum or the ones doing the bare minimum. 

Never in the history of telling anyone to not let something bother you or to calm down has that ever worked. I am a hard worker. I have great work ethic. I am damn good at my job too. So, yes, I take this all very personal which in turn is having an effect on my mental and physical health. I am simply exhausted. The worst part? There is not a thing I can do to fix it. 

This and that

Let them judge you. 

Let them misunderstand you. 

Let them gossip about you. 

Their opinions are not your problem. 

You stay kind, committed to love, and free in your authenticity. 

No matter what they do or say do not dare doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. 

Just keep on shining like you do. 

At some point in our lives, we have been misunderstood. I used to beat myself up for not smiling more at people, for not being the first to initiate a conversation, or for not attempting to make small talk. Small talk is nothing short of exhausting for me. I think a lot of introverts will tell you the same thing. I would say some of it may be because I am a Cancer, but I don't know if that's necessarily true. I know other Cancers who love to make small talk.  

I used to take the little snide comments personally. I don't so much anymore. If you really knew me, you would understand me. You would know that I am loyal and that I would do anything for someone I love.  You have to earn my respect. If I don't respect you, it's going to show. Don't mistake that lack of respect though for what you perceive my personality to be. Does that make sense? 

I had a boss years ago that I did not respect. I did not like myself around this person. I said what I wanted, acted how I wanted, sighed, and rolled my eyes. I had to take myself out of that situation and I did. I am a completely different person when I am around my boss now who I respect. 

At some point I stopped caring if someone misunderstood me. Why? Because I have people that do understand me and that is all that matters. Also, if you're going to take someone else's opinion of me and not form your own, then you're not someone I want close to me anyways. How do I know people do that? Their little comments tell me they listen to others opinions a/k/a gossip.  

I had a conversation with my best friend months ago. I told her I really need to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. She said, "why?! That's not you." She's right. Granted there are instances where one would keep their mouth shut and keep their opinions to themselves. I understand that. I am aware of those instances - well most of the time. 

We have all known someone who gets by in life doing the bare minimum. Whether it be at school, in sports, or at work. I am more troubled by that mentality than I am by the extra work it causes me. I just want to ask why? I am sure they want to ask me the same thing. Why, do you work so hard? I am sitting here doing the bare minimum and still getting paid. My answer would be because I would not like myself if I worked that way. Do you think these people know they are doing the bare minimum? Maybe they think they are doing the best they can. 

I would love insight on how you work through these life lessons. 

Resent

Today was a rough work day. Do you ever sit back after a rough day (work-related or not) and think where did it all go wrong? I sat down at my desk this morning with my pumpkin spice coffee thinking it was going to be a fairly easy day. I had a few appointments, otherwise, was going to be able to stay in my office and work. A conversation first thing in the morning simply exhausted me. Then my morning appointment was rescheduled. It wasn't that my appointment was rescheduled, it was the way it was handled. It was just simply idiotic. I went to lunch, came back, and sat down at my desk with my peppermint stick coffee. I completed a weekly task that tends to frustrate me. It magnifies that people are not doing their job. I got a call that made me think my afternoon appointment was taken care of and I needn't be there. I went to the bathroom and came back to four missed calls only to find out that I was needed. I walked into the meeting and was not surprised to find someone unprepared as always. 

I realize my recount of the day isn't very descriptive nor does it seem rough. HA! I am trying to have some discretion. I am not referring to any clients; only co-workers. 

After washing my coffee cup and wrapping up for the day, I sat down at my desk at 4:50 and took a deep breath. I started to feel resent. Resent towards the co-workers whose responsibility at work is no where near mine. Resent towards co-workers who choose to sit on their phones all day, checking Facebook, reading the news, or simply staring out the window. My resent then switches to the bosses who either don't see or who choose not to see. 

We have all worked with lazy people. People who don't mind letting their laziness become someone else's problem. People who do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck. 

I am not one of those people. I never have been. Before I was old enough to work, I remember helping my Aunt Helen. I would stuff envelopes for her or do other little jobs. My mindset was always how can I be faster? Whatever I was stuffing the envelopes with maybe I could fold ten of them at a time instead of one. 

My first job I worked at a movie theater. I would have customers tell me my line moved the fastest. How fast could I fill a bag of popcorn while filling pops and grabbing candy? 

I started working at Target as a cashier when I was roughly 18. All I wanted was to be a supervisor. The supervisors eventually trusted me to be in charge of all of the cashiers and the service desk while they took a break or went on lunch. I ended up interviewing for a supervisor position and got it. 

That work ethic has continued until today. How can I be the fastest, most efficient, organized, etc.? When I am around others that don't have these traits, it drains me. It mentally drains me. 

So while I am resentful of those that find it easy to sit on their phones all day or browse social media, it's not who I am. I have had jobs where I wasn't all that busy and I would also be mentally exhausted at the end of the day for not using my brain. 

It'll be 20 years this year that I have been a paralegal. Because I only started working at my job about 3.5 years ago, I only have two weeks of vacation.  Have you ever sat back and thought about how many days off a year you get compared to how many days you work? I strongly advise against doing the math because it's very depressing. According to Google, there are 261 work days in 2021. Of those 261 days, I have 10 days off. That blows my mind. As I am sitting at my desk for the last 10 mins today I started thinking about taking a vacation day. I typically don't take days off until my birthday and then bank them until the end of the year. What if I get sick? What if something happens? How can you not bank your days when you only get 10? After thinking about it, my resent then turned towards those whose job responsibility is not as high as mine and yet have 3-4 weeks of vacation because they have been with my employer for several years. One position at my job especially jumps out. It's a very easy job, minimal responsibility, and stress and when this person takes any time off, they don't come back to the unanswered emails, unopened mail, voice mails, etc. 

Would I trade my salary or office for this position to have less stress? Somedays I think I would. Today being one of those days. 

My resent is just that...mine. I can complain about all of these things but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Somedays life just hits you harder than others. What is bothering me today may not bother me next week. It's just been a buildup the past few months and I have been so mentally exhausted. I can't seem to shake it. I really think if I could have a beach day, I would feel a little re-charged.