Summer II

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that both my mom and dad were going to Indianapolis with me. My parents have been divorced for at least 25 + years. I think they realized when their first granddaughter was born that they would have to find a way to get along for birthday parties, etc. Once they both got married, then the four of them were around each other. I love that about my family. That we can all get together and get along for not only me and my sister, but my nieces and nephews. My step-sister's side of the family also does really well being around each other. Needless to say, I was not worried about them being in a car together for 4 hours. Somehow they always find things to talk about. 

Also not sure if I have ever mentioned my strong dislike for Indianapolis. If I travel, I prefer to travel north to the Chicago area or Michigan. I'm not sure what it is about Indianapolis but I get turned around every single time. It is also a trigger for me because that is where Joey was always at when he was in the hospital and where he had his transplant. The construction right now in Indianapolis is insane. I missed my exit when I got there and got turned around. Finally, I was nearby the doctor's office, but had to work my way through the roundabouts. We have roundabouts here in Fort Wayne and they are not this bad. Not to mention, when you don't know where you're going, you end up driving in circles (literally). My mom was in the backseat minding her business. My dad was keeping quiet to let me find my way. Finally, I was like if anyone has any idea which way to go, let me know. What was supposed to be a 2 hour trip, took about 2.5 hours. I got there a few minutes late. I hauled ass into the office completely forgetting the disk in the car with my imaging on it. I was definitely frazzled and I had to pee! I filled out the intake paperwork and went back to the room to wait for the doctor. He said he would not rush into a second surgery quite yet. He did say that my C6-7 disc had gotten worse overtime. He mentioned that the discs above (C2-3 & C3-4), could potentially cause problems as well. He showed me side-by-side photos of my MRIs. He did recommend that I get an updated EMG (nerve conduction study). I have not had one for about 3-4 years. He also recommended that I get a cortisone injection. Thankfully, I could get one that same day. The nurses got approval from my insurance. I got x-rays taken and waited for the next doctor to get the injection. I had to take my shirt and bra off and put on a gown. Otherwise, didn't have to remove anything below my waste or any earrings, etc. I was only getting the right side at C7 done on this day. They can't do both sides at once. You lay down on your back. They put drapes around the spot where the injection will go. The doctor uses some machine to see where the injection is going. He inserts the needle and numbs the area and then inserts the Cortisone injection. It didn't hurt, but it's certainly not comfortable. Total time was maybe 10-15 minutes. I walked back to the room and that's when my entire right arm/hand went numb, which is normal. I got my bra and tank top on but then I couldn't do my t-shirt. My mom was on the phone with my step-dad and so I had my dad slide my t-shirt over my head. It's fine, mom. I got it. She laughed. Now, they both start making fun of me. They thought they were funny for sure. We get out to the car and at this point, I can see my arm moving. I can tell my brain is telling it what to do, but I can't feel anything. Nothing. My dad was driving home. He made it very clear that we were not using GPS. He had told me at some point, you have to use common sense instead of the GPS. That's the problem though. I have zero sense of direction when I am in Indianapolis. We get out to the car, and my dad is trying to push the button on the trunk. I said, "what are you doing?" He said, "I was going to put you in the trunk." Funny. I sit down in the passenger seat and realize that I can't feel my arm to close the door. I said, "hello, can someone get the door?" My mom thought it was hilarious so she gets out and shuts the door. We asked my dad if he could stop and get food and we were told that no, he had to get home to mow. Well, that opinion was vetoed. We got onto 69 and then stopped and got McDonald's. I don't eat McDonald's unless it's a sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffin which is about two times a year. But, man, that fish sandwich and fries were delicious. 

If I sat still, I could tell the slightest difference in my right and left arm. If I was moving or typing at work, it felt no different. That tiniest bit of relief lasted two days. My injection in my left side was scheduled in two weeks. 

In the meantime, I met with my surgeon. That was last Thursday. I told him I went to the doctor in Indianapolis and got an injection and that I had another one scheduled in two weeks. I explained that this doctor said the discs above could potentially cause problems. He shook. his head and said it was very unlikely. Without knowing that the doctor in Indianapolis suggested an EMG, my surgeon suggested I get one. I am just waiting on that to be scheduled. Then, I will follow-up with him again. I asked the surgeon hypothetical questions. Such as, had I had a MRI a week before surgery, would he have replaced both discs. Thinking back, I am not sure he answered my question. He said that insurance wise, they only do MRIs once every 12 months. He said in fact, he had read an article, or publishing that "they" were thinking even 12 months was too much. He said, he did not agree with that at all. I asked him while the MRI showed my C5-6 disc was worse, what if it's the C6-7 causing all of the problems? He said possibly, but the C5-6 was compressing on my spine. Now the C6-7 is compressing. He then said in his ten years, he's never seen anything like this. He agreed with the doctor in Indianapolis that my arthritis has progressed significantly over the last few years. I always tell my parents I am a medical marvel. 

My dad and I went down to Indianapolis today for my second injection. He drove both ways. It took us maybe an hour and a half each way (he does drive 90mph). We got down there early so we stopped at Starbucks to use the bathroom and get coffee. It was my dad's first time at Starbucks! He only gets black coffee, so it wasn't anything to special for him. He said it was good and it tasted like Folgers. HA! 

The injection this time was a lot more uncomfortable. I got extremely nauseous. After he was done, they put an ice pack on my neck and the nurse got me a Sprite. I felt a lot better after that. This time, my arm never went completely numb. However, we got into the elevator and I went to push the button and my hand was shaking so bad. Unfortunately, that's common for me, just not that bad.

I'm home now. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next few days. I don't have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in Indianapolis yet. I'm hoping he will do a Zoom visit or telephone. I can't keep taking days off to drive down there.  Hoping the EMG gets scheduled soon too.

I forgot to mention that I asked the nurses what they thought about the roundabouts. They said it helped with traffic but didn't love them. The nurse said the city was on Letterman because of all the roundabouts. Apparently, it has the most in the US? I'll have to see if I can find the video. 

Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! Hope everyone was able to enjoy time with family. Thought I would share this photo of me and my sister. I would guess I am 9-10 months old in this photo. 

I had my six-week follow-up with the surgeon on Friday. He said my x-rays look good. The bone spur I had is not showing signs of growing back. He said in 6-12 months, the scar where my incision is will be gone. He confirmed what the physical therapist said about nerves rejuvenating. He said they rejuvenate 1mm per day. He held up his index finger as an example and said to go from one said of his finger to the other would take roughly a week. He said the nerves will rejuvenate from my neck down. I asked if I would have had surgery two years ago, would I have had a better chance of immediate relief. He said there are no studies or literature that would answer that question. He suggested some medication to help with my pain. However, the two medications he suggested are terrible for your stomach (amongst other organs). I was taking one of the medications in the winter of 2020. While it did help my pain, it was affecting my stomach so I stopped taking it. The surgeon has referred me to pain management to see what other options I can explore. 

I have no restrictions now in what I can do and am able to return to work full-time. He said, I just have to listen to my body and know my own limits. While I have been working since surgery, I worked from home for the first few weeks. A couple of weeks, I went in a few days here and there. These last few weeks I have been working half days in the office and half days at home. 

Yesterday, I cleaned up some of the leaves outside my front door and vacuumed out my car. I did an order pickup at Target. I came home and made nachos for dinner. I cleaned up the kitchen and by then I was exhausted. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Today, I cleaned my shower which I knew wasn't a great idea. But, it needed done. After showering, I ended up taking some of my nerve medication because my arms were hurting. I was fighting not to fall asleep on the couch by 5:00. The exhaustion is not getting any better. I may reach out to my family doctor this week. 

I had my last physical therapy appointment on Thursday. Since it was not improving my pain at all, the surgeon said to continue my exercises at home. 

We will see how work goes this week. I just know that being in the office half days has been a lot for me. I am going to take some pillows with me tomorrow and see if I can set up a better support system for myself at my desk. 

I am really trying to hang in there. I simply am mentally and physical exhausted. I am frustrated with my pain. I am frustrated with my lack of strength and endurance. 

Hope everyone has a great week! 

Milestones

I have not had any relief from the numbness and tingling in my arms since surgery. With that being said, my physical therapist has encouraged me to celebrate every milestone. 

Last Friday, I finally drove farther than the minute it takes me to get to physical therapy. I drove to my sister's for dinner. I felt more comfortable with moving my head from left to right. I still have discomfort while driving, which I had before surgery. 

I planned on going into work for a few hours on Tuesday. Unfortunately, after showering, doing my hair and makeup, I was exhausted and decided to work from home. I got up this morning and showered, did my hair and makeup, and felt good about going into work for a few hours. I spent a lot of time catching up with everyone. Talking became uncomfortable and my throat got sore since I am still healing.  I had to review some documents so I tried to hold them up at eye level instead of looking down. The short amount of time I did look down, it definitely caused neck pain and increased the numbness and tingling in my arms. I was trying to convince myself I was not as physically exhausted as I was but I knew I needed to leave and come home. I left at lunchtime, came home, took some medicine, and got the heating pad out. 

I will celebrate that I am able to drive and I went into work today. Another milestone is that I am able to lay down a bit more when sleeping. I don't have the pillows piled up as high so that I am sleeping in a sitting position. I had physical therapy on Monday and it was time to do a re-evaluation. My strength has improved in my arms since surgery.

The physical therapist also explained to me that nerves regenerate 1mm per day (roughly the same as your fingernails). He said I know you won't want to hear this, but it could be 12 months before I know how effective the surgery was. I told him, I am fine with that. I said, if you told me I had zero chance of improvement, then I would be upset. 

I found this illustration online. It perfectly depicts where I experience the numbness and tingling in my arms.

I'm not sure I'll go into work tomorrow. I will see how I feel when I wake up. If I don't go into work, I am OK with that. I made it today. It's the little steps. 

Two Weeks Post-Op

I carry two pillows from my bed to the couch and back every morning and night. Those two pillows are positioned around two other pillows to support my head and arms. My range of motion is good looking left and right. Looking up and down is a bit more challenging. I make sure my head is positioned so that I am not looking down at the laptop while I work eight hours from the couch. It's the new norm for me but I know it won't last forever. 

I continue to do things around the house (i.e. dusting, mopping, vacuuming, laundry). When vacuuming, I used only my right arm and took small steps so that I was not extending my arm in and out at length. I am not lifting anything such as the trash, cat litter, or my 13lb cat, Amelya. 

The sutures on my incision all came off last Sunday. I am still having difficulty taking large bites or big gulps. I did a few calls with my boss and clients this week and when I was done, I felt like my incision/throat was swollen. I have started putting tiny drops of Vitamin E Oil around the incision and some Palmer's Coconut Body Lotion. 

I am still having numbness/tingling down into both arms. The doctor did say some people have immediate relief when waking up from surgery. I didn't have any expectation that would be the case for me. My nerves have been impinged for three years. I expect that it'll take some time. 

I started physical therapy on Monday. Once you get out of my neighborhood by taking two turns, you cross a main road and the therapy place is right there. I felt comfortable enough to drive there (otherwise I have not driven since before the surgery). It was nerve wrecking driving there but thankfully it's not far. I had to fill out initial paperwork which was very difficult for me. I already write like a five-year-old and even before surgery, it would take a lot of concentration and effort to write. Trying to fill out paperwork when you are hurting and can't look down is not fun. I got myself pretty worked up. The physical therapist started asking me questions about my history and how I was doing and I started crying. I knew I just had myself worked up from driving, filling out paperwork, and being somewhere I've never been before. Oh, and the lack of sleep. I haven't slept a whole night since surgery. He gave me three stretches to do while there and to do from home (which I have done everyday). I went back yesterday and he explained that you have nerves from your neck down into your arm. He said essentially you "floss" the nerves. He did some "flossing" with both arms. He then started massaging and putting pressure on this specific spot on my back; it's underneath my left shoulder blade. He was really moving things around. All of a sudden, it felt like a breeze washed over my left arm. It didn't last long after he stopped but my left arm felt lighter. 

Does it feel better? Does it feel different? Seems like simple questions to answer, right? My body is so accustomed to being in pain that for me, it's not a simple answer. I really try to differentiate between pre-surgery pain and post-surgery pain so I am not quick to answer. If anything, I just say "I don't know." 

I spoke with the physical therapist about my returning to work. I know he's not the surgeon, but wanted his thoughts. While I don't want to overdo it, I also don't want to nurse my symptoms by not being active or working. He said if he were in my situation and went into work, he would get so involved that next thing you know four hours has passed and you realize you're hurting. I told him that's EXACTLY my fear. I know me....I'll plan on going to work for two to three hours and next thing I know I'll have worked a full eight hour day. The next day will then be spent recuperating. I will take take one step forward and two steps back. He ended by saying that he thinks it's premature for me to return to work. While I knew that myself, I needed to talk it out. I am definitely a homebody, but this isn't me not wanting to go into work. I like being around my friends at work. I like doing my hair and makeup and putting real clothes and heels on. I am going to continue to listen to my body. That's all I can do.  

Surgery

I got to the hospital shortly before 8:45 a.m. on Thursday. After checking in, I was taken back to pre-op where I changed into a gown. They put these things around my both legs so that during surgery they would massage my legs to help prevent blood clots. A nurse (Nurse A) came in and started asking me questions. She mentioned back surgery. I corrected her and said that I was having neck surgery. After having received pre-op paperwork in the mail with the lumbar spine highlighted (instead of cervical spine), you can understand my need to correct her. Another nurse (Nurse B) came in to start my IV. She asked Nurse A what procedure I was having and if it was an ACDF (Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion). Jokingly, I said, "I'm going to need you guys to figure out what I am having done today." Nurse B apologized for throwing around medical terms. I said "Oh, I know what ACDF stands for." They both kind of laughed, and Nurse A told Nurse B that I had showed her my pre-op paperwork where the lumbar spine was highlighted. 

While Nurse B was getting my IV set up, the Anesthesiologist came in. He had quite a few questions about my medical history. He explained that once I was put under, he would insert a breathing tube. He explained that he ensures when I wake up, I am not nauseous. He said he's in the surgery room with me the whole time. He was really nice. I liked him. 

Nurse A stopped the Anesthesiologist on his way out and they got to talking. She was asking him questions about his degree and whether she should call him doctor. I recall her asking him something about either his degree or program he was in being grandfathered. They talked for quite a while. I tried to ask Nurse A if she would get my mom, but she couldn't hear me. The nurses sitting out at the nurses station were so loud from the moment I got there. Just non-stop chatter and not work chatter. Finally, Nurse A heard me and she went and got my mom. My mom hung out for a bit and then my dad came back. 

I am not sure if this lady was a nurse or not, but she came into my room and was playing with the machine that connects to my IV. She was talking about how it didn't work. She was really ditzy. She unhooked the machine from the pole and took it out to the nurses station. She came back and was saying it was working. She never talked to me, she was talking to the other nurses at the station. Shortly after that another lady came in and took the machine off the pole again. She exchanged it with a new one. As she walked out, the ditzy girl told her she had already looked at it and fixed it. The woman who had just replaced it said it wasn't on and she didn't know it was already looked at. Apparently, ditzy girl, didn't tell anyone nor did she turn the machine on. 

At this point, I had texted both of my sisters telling them this hospital was a mess and definitely not a well-oiled machine like another hospital in my city. At one point all of the nurses at the nurses station were going on and on about lunch. My dad not knowing I had already texted my sisters about the chatter says, "You wouldn't be hearing any of this at [insert other hospital's name]." 

My doctor had been at another hospital in the morning and was running late. Since the curtain to my room was only half shut, I could hear and see the nurses out in the hallway. I heard whispers saying "he's here." "Shh." And, walks in my doctor. Suddenly the nurses station got real quiet. I couldn't believe it. 

Doctor came in and asked me a few questions. He marked on my neck and then said he likes to pray with his patients. He said a prayer as his hand was on my shoulder. I really liked that he did that. 

I was wheeled back to the surgery room. It's a big room that is as white as snow and to be honest as cold as being out in the snow. They wheeled me up next to another bed. In my mind they were going to pick me up by the sheets and move me like you see on TV. Nope. They put warm blankets on me and started sticking stuff to my back. I remember telling one of the nurses that I could never do what they do. They told me to lay down and the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery. I know the one nurse said something about giving me something to ease my nerves. Didn't realize that was going to instantly knock me out. 

I woke up in recovery and recall the nurse talking to me and trying to get me to roll over so she could do something. I told her I couldn't and she said yes, you can. 

I was wheeled back to my room and the nurse rambled off a bunch of drinks and snacks I could have. I asked for coffee and Chips Ahoy cookies. 

My mom came back and said it had taken forever. I think it was around 3:00 when she came back. I would guess over three hours my parents waited. 

After I had my coffee and snack, I was wheeled back to get x-rays. While waiting for my doctor to review them, I was told I needed different x-rays for the trial. They drape something over your neck and put markers on the board you stand in front of during the x-rays. After the second set of x-rays, my doctor came in and I asked him if I was in the study and he said, yes. That's great news! 

I left the hospital around 5:30. My parents got me home and situated. I took my prescriptions and laid down in bed. I wasn't allowed to take my normal medication to help me sleep because it could interact with the anesthesia. Between that and just not being able to get comfortable, I think I slept maybe an hour Thursday night. 

I was sent home with a drain tube coming from my neck. I was allowed to take it out the next day as long as the drainage stayed below a certain amount. I woke up Thursday night around 2:00 and saw that the tube itself looked backed up. I tried to get it to drain down into the ball but it wouldn't. I woke my dad up to make sure it was OK. While he was looking at it, I was watching the blood move around and got extremely nauseous. I sat down on the toilet and then threw up in the trash can. 

I finally gave up on sleeping around 5:00 a.m. Friday morning. I came out to the living room and watched TV.

Here's a few pictures from the hospital. I'll write more later on how I have been doing. 

Nurse B wrapped the shit out of my IV.

Kudos to whoever drew the Smurfs. My favorite cartoon as a kid.

Post-Surgery

Pre-Surgery

When I decided it was time to proceed with a cervical disc replacement, I was given the option to be in a study. The study is for an artificial cervical disc replacement that is not yet approved by the FDA. It has been used in England for ten years. I will not know if I am in the study until my first follow-up appointment. It's randomized who gets put into the study but I am told I have a 60% chance. The study will last for seven years. I will have yearly follow-up appointments. I will get paid for my time, mileage, and expense of the follow-up appointments. 

I got a call from the coordinator and scheduled an appointment. I had to get new x-rays. I answered questions about my pain and how it effects my life. 

Now that surgery is scheduled for February 3rd, I had to do pre-surgery labs. The nurse who did my labs was so nice and a pro at drawing blood. She went over a few items with me including taking a shower the night before and having to use these wipes afterwards that helps with bacteria. She said that should I have a fever above 99, I should call the doctor or if I see anything odd coming from my incision to call the doctor. That seems to be pretty standard for any surgery. The nurse said that my doctor had ordered me to take home a lunger exerciser device. If you have never seen one, you breathe into a tube to see how far up you can push the ball. She wasn't sure why he was having me take one home, but nonetheless, she gave it to me. She asked me if I had ever seen one before and I said yes. She asked me if I knew how to use it and I said yes. I explained that my best friend had Cystic Fibrosis and he had to use one all of the time. Seeing this device was awfully triggering. I just put it out of my mind and moved on. 

I got home from work that evening and brought the reusable bag in the nurse had given me with everything inside. I hung the bag from the kitchen table chair but not before I made sure the device was at the bottom and covered up. I could not bare to see that sitting around like I used to see it sitting around Joey's house or seeing it at the hospital.

Now I wait until February 3rd. Stay tuned. 

Resistance

Last year around this same time, I was in physical therapy for my neck. I admit I didn't get much relief. It felt good while I was there but that was about it. There was one time, the therapist had me use a resistance band to do curls. I was in tears the entire time. It made me realize how weak my arms had become. I hurt so bad afterwards and I didn't even do that many curls. 

I spend all day trying to feel better. Whether it's using my massager, cupping, physical therapy, deep tissue massage, or prescriptions for pain management. I am so consumed with making sure I don't overdue it so I don't increase my pain which in turn is not helping because I am becoming weaker. 

The dry needling seemed to work for a few weeks. Then at one session, the therapist had me lift my head and hold it while laying down. It was very upsetting seeing how weak my neck is. That one move put me in so much pain. 

Last night I went to therapy. He said we're jumping right in to do everything that makes you feel better. He started with manual manipulation, dry needling, and even did some scrapping which is my favorite.  He ended with basically using his body weight and pushing on this specific spot under my shoulder blade. Besides the numbness and tingling in my arms, that spot causes me a lot of discomfort. I then rolled on my side and he was moving my shoulder blade around to get up under it and get to that spot. He again just pushed and pushed. When he asked me how it felt, I said, "oh, I could sit here all day while you did that." 

Therapists will do progress reports every month I believe. They have me hold my arms straight out in front of me and push down to test my strength. Every time (even last year), I get teary eyed because again, I have no strength. 

He did that last night and sure enough I teared up. He brought in weights for me to use while doing shoulder shrugs and I just looked at him like he was nuts. I am definitely dramatic during physical therapy. It makes me laugh and the therapist. Naturally, I was dramatic when he brought the weights in. I said I didn't want to do it. He said to try it and see how I feel. I did and it was exhausting. 

Because I am just not having any progress, he brought in another therapist that has been doing this a little longer. My therapist started telling her my resistance to any type of strengthening or exercise. For the next half hour or so I cried. We discussed how scared I am to do anything because I fear that it will cause more pain. We discussed working on things that will help my strength but doing those first in therapy and ending with manipulation, needling, scrapping, etc. Almost retraining my brain that if I do a, b, and c, I can then end with something that makes me feel good. She asked me to do shoulder shrugs throughout the day. She gave me a tennis ball that I can use to stand up against a wall and roll the ball over that spot under my shoulder blade. I was at therapy an extra 45mins. I appreciate them taking the time to figure out what they can do. I am trying everything possible to avoid surgery. I know it sounds simple - I am in excruciating pain everyday that is effecting my quality of life. I don't exercise anymore. I am not sleeping well. I hurt so bad so I don't want to go out and do anything. Why not have surgery? Who wouldn't be scared to have a disc removed from their neck? Why if it makes it worse? What if it's not any better? Of course, what if it does work? What if I do feel better? I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Rather I wish I knew what the outcome of surgery would be. It's just so scary. With the radiation down into my arms, I risk having permanent nerve damage too. 

Any suggestions or tips are welcomed.