Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Resent

Today was a rough work day. Do you ever sit back after a rough day (work-related or not) and think where did it all go wrong? I sat down at my desk this morning with my pumpkin spice coffee thinking it was going to be a fairly easy day. I had a few appointments, otherwise, was going to be able to stay in my office and work. A conversation first thing in the morning simply exhausted me. Then my morning appointment was rescheduled. It wasn't that my appointment was rescheduled, it was the way it was handled. It was just simply idiotic. I went to lunch, came back, and sat down at my desk with my peppermint stick coffee. I completed a weekly task that tends to frustrate me. It magnifies that people are not doing their job. I got a call that made me think my afternoon appointment was taken care of and I needn't be there. I went to the bathroom and came back to four missed calls only to find out that I was needed. I walked into the meeting and was not surprised to find someone unprepared as always. 

I realize my recount of the day isn't very descriptive nor does it seem rough. HA! I am trying to have some discretion. I am not referring to any clients; only co-workers. 

After washing my coffee cup and wrapping up for the day, I sat down at my desk at 4:50 and took a deep breath. I started to feel resent. Resent towards the co-workers whose responsibility at work is no where near mine. Resent towards co-workers who choose to sit on their phones all day, checking Facebook, reading the news, or simply staring out the window. My resent then switches to the bosses who either don't see or who choose not to see. 

We have all worked with lazy people. People who don't mind letting their laziness become someone else's problem. People who do the bare minimum to collect a paycheck. 

I am not one of those people. I never have been. Before I was old enough to work, I remember helping my Aunt Helen. I would stuff envelopes for her or do other little jobs. My mindset was always how can I be faster? Whatever I was stuffing the envelopes with maybe I could fold ten of them at a time instead of one. 

My first job I worked at a movie theater. I would have customers tell me my line moved the fastest. How fast could I fill a bag of popcorn while filling pops and grabbing candy? 

I started working at Target as a cashier when I was roughly 18. All I wanted was to be a supervisor. The supervisors eventually trusted me to be in charge of all of the cashiers and the service desk while they took a break or went on lunch. I ended up interviewing for a supervisor position and got it. 

That work ethic has continued until today. How can I be the fastest, most efficient, organized, etc.? When I am around others that don't have these traits, it drains me. It mentally drains me. 

So while I am resentful of those that find it easy to sit on their phones all day or browse social media, it's not who I am. I have had jobs where I wasn't all that busy and I would also be mentally exhausted at the end of the day for not using my brain. 

It'll be 20 years this year that I have been a paralegal. Because I only started working at my job about 3.5 years ago, I only have two weeks of vacation.  Have you ever sat back and thought about how many days off a year you get compared to how many days you work? I strongly advise against doing the math because it's very depressing. According to Google, there are 261 work days in 2021. Of those 261 days, I have 10 days off. That blows my mind. As I am sitting at my desk for the last 10 mins today I started thinking about taking a vacation day. I typically don't take days off until my birthday and then bank them until the end of the year. What if I get sick? What if something happens? How can you not bank your days when you only get 10? After thinking about it, my resent then turned towards those whose job responsibility is not as high as mine and yet have 3-4 weeks of vacation because they have been with my employer for several years. One position at my job especially jumps out. It's a very easy job, minimal responsibility, and stress and when this person takes any time off, they don't come back to the unanswered emails, unopened mail, voice mails, etc. 

Would I trade my salary or office for this position to have less stress? Somedays I think I would. Today being one of those days. 

My resent is just that...mine. I can complain about all of these things but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Somedays life just hits you harder than others. What is bothering me today may not bother me next week. It's just been a buildup the past few months and I have been so mentally exhausted. I can't seem to shake it. I really think if I could have a beach day, I would feel a little re-charged.