The day after Christmas, I went on a whim to Best Buy and bought a MacBook Air. I have not had a workable laptop in years. When I first started writing it was to capture my dating life. At that time, I was able to write when I was at work. While I am still a Paralegal, I am not able to write at work.
I brought the laptop home and opened my Blogger account. I wrote two paragraphs and became so overwhelmed that I frantically Googled how to restore the factory settings. I had every intention of taking it back the next day. In fact, I became so anxious that I almost drove back to Best Buy and returned it that same day. It sat on my kitchen table for two days until I put it in my car before work on Monday morning. I decided to not return it that day and brought it back home. It has sat on my kitchen table in the box until today.
I was hesitant to start writing again for two reasons. One, I am not sure anyone really cares what I have to say. I am certain there are a million writers out there talking about the same shit I am. Two, if I start writing, I have to start working through my depression and anxiety.
I have always been honest when I write and that certainly is not going to change. In fact, I have not even touched the surface on what I want to talk about.
If you know me or have read any of my posts in the past, you know I struggle with being single. The last time I called anyone my boyfriend was in 2005. We broke up the weekend I moved into my new apartment. I realized recently that I measure so much of my life around that moment and I want to work on not doing that anymore. I no longer want it to hold that much significance or power in my life.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know my family and friends know that I struggle. I don't know they understand how deep it really goes. When any holiday comes around this is what I am thinking about. I am thinking about driving to the fireworks by myself and sitting in traffic on the way home by myself. I have woken up every 4th of July, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day for fifteen years by myself. I know some will say that I enjoy being alone. I do. Who does not enjoy their alone time? There is a difference though between being alone and being lonely. I am lonely. Being around family and friends helps the "being alone" part. It does not help the "being lonely."
Recently, I listened to a podcast where someone asked the interviewee what it was like not having someone to share the "wins" with in life now that they were separated from their spouse. Let me tell you what it is like. It's horrible. It's lonely. I am so grateful that I have an amazing family to share my wins. There is something though that you get when you have a significant other, a partner in life, to share your ups and downs.
Over the summer, I made myself go explore my city. There was an amazing new park and a coffee shop downtown. Now that I do not work downtown, I do not get to enjoy it as much as I would like. I stopped at the coffee shop and got a treat and coffee. I then walked down to the park and relaxed on the swings and read. I shared some pictures of the renovations with my best friend who no longer lives in Fort Wayne. It was nice to have her to share that experience. She said she was proud of me for getting out of the house. I told her that I was proud of me too but that it was taking everything I had to not break down in the middle of the park crying. I felt so alone in that moment. I wanted so badly to share it with someone. That feeling becomes so overwhelming at times it becomes debilitating.
Now that social media is so prominent in all of our lives, you see a lot of "you're not alone," "we're in this together," or "let me know if you need anything." Last night I watched a TikTok where this woman said she had spent the last seven years crying on New Years Eve because she was alone. She said she was embracing being along this year and was going to enjoy staying in. She said we were all in this together and not alone. I don't find comfort or relief in any of that. Anyone can tell you they are here for you. They can check in on you but I tend to feel that is more of an obligation than anything. If I reached out and expressed even half of the thoughts or feelings I have, people would not know how to respond.
This is a good stopping point for me tonight. It has felt so good to write again.