The change in seasons seems to trigger my depression and anxiety. Each season brings new adventures. Summer brings beach days. Fall brings college football and bonfires. Winter brings holidays with family. Spring brings walks outside and patio dining. Summer seems to be the easiest transition for me because I can go to the beach alone and be OK.
Most people get excited when it is Friday. I do not. Even my co-workers have noticed my mood change on Fridays. Everyone is excited about their weekend plans with family. While not every weekend, I do spend time with family and friends. Time spent with friends is always scheduled because everyone is so busy. When we're out, there's always someone checking in on their spouse or kids. They get to go home to someone is always my thought. When you're younger it seems there was more time for spontaneous get togethers.
My co-workers last Friday were giving me suggestions on things to do. My response was "and, who is going with me?" Silence. Yes, I can do things by myself. I have and I do. Doing some things alone makes me feel lonelier. In order to protect that feeling and my peace, I stay home. Mentally it's a safer space for me.
A co-worker while seemingly joking suggested I knit. He said I'm sure there's a Facebook group you could join with others that knit. He asked what I am watching on TV. He said maybe there's a group that you can talk to others about the show you're watching. Um, It's called Twitter. I can get on Twitter and see what people are saying. Needless to say, I was not amused by the suggestions. This is a very sensitive topic for me. He then made the comment that he thought I liked being alone. I took a deep breath to stop the tears and said, "then you don't know me as well as you thought." Another touchy topic for me. I know people think I like being alone. Even my family thinks that. Who doesn't like their alone time? There is a huge difference between having me time and being alone every goddamn second. Or what feels like it. He asked so what do you like to do or what do you want to do? Believe me, I am not short on ideas. I said, I would love to make a list of all of the new restaurants in town and try them all. I would like to go to Indy and walk around IKEA since I have never been. I would like to explore more of Michigan; lighthouses, state parks, and waterfalls. I haven't been to Chicago in years. There's a restaurant that is on my bucket list that I want to go to and it sits on the river. I want to eat wings and watch Notre Dame football. I want to go to a Notre Dame football game. I want to go to the Farmer's Market with someone (I do go by myself). I want to leave work on Friday knowing I have an entire weekend planned with someone. Whether it be out exploring, house work, or simply sitting on the patio together. There's a reservoir near my house that I want to explore too.
I feel like I am screaming from a rooftop that I don't want to do all of this alone. Such as, a few weeks ago, I heard dripping in my utility closet. I open the door to check it out. I so happened to look up and saw the the pipe that covers the top of your hot water heater was not aligned. While I don't know much about that kind of stuff, it made me think something was not quite right. I sent a video to my work-husband who knows all things home improvement. He didn't end up seeing it until an hour later. I was asleep by then. I woke up to a video via Snapchat, missed call, and text message. He was saying that it could be very dangerous because the carbon monoxide is filtered up into that pipe. I do have a carbon monoxide detector and it hadn't gone off. I texted him at 6:30 a.m. He ended up calling me because he was already on his way to work. He was trying to tell me how to turn the gas off but I wasn't strong enough to turn the knob. He told me to turn the hot water heater off and that I would have enough reserve to still take a shower. I had also sent my dad a picture via text message. Since he was asleep my step-mom called and asked if I needed her to wake my dad up. I told her no, I had turned the hot water heater off and to just have him take a look when he woke up. I got in the shower and all of a sudden I started crying. No warning. I didn't feel anything that would suggest I wanted or needed to cry. I realized that I felt so overwhelmed. I felt stupid not knowing how to turn the gas or the hot water heater off. My dad is big on the difference between stupid and ignorance. He said I'm not stupid; I am ignorant. He came over that weekend and showed me what all of the knobs do but that I did the right thing by turning the hot water heater off.
This past weekend, I couldn't sit still. I had to keep moving to keep from going crazy. Saturday, I left the house at 9:45 a.m. and got home around 4:00. I went to my massage and then walked around the out-door mall in town. I had a mission to find some new clothes. I got home and put everything away. I think I did a few things around the house. I wasn't all that hungry but knew I needed to eat. I had stuff to make a taco bowl but wasn't in the mood to cook the meat and cut up veggies. I decided on chicken bites from Papa John's. The food came and it was not good. At all. I had a few bites of the chicken and threw the rest away. As I sat on the couch, my mind went nuts. I couldn't get a grasp on my thoughts. I started thinking about how I am never going to lose weight from eating like this. I get so overwhelmed with the idea of eating lately. I don't do much meat (i.e. why I threw the chicken away). I tend to lean towards carbs which is why I don't lose weight. Then I started beating myself up because I am complaining about being alone and having too much time on my hands so I should be meal prepping. I have all of the time to eat healthy. Flip side? I hate cooking. I find zero gratification with cooking. Nothing about it is fun or relaxing. Of course I have to but it's not something I enjoy. I then started giving myself a hard time about all this free time I am wasting. I could be writing, researching, reading, finding books/podcasts to help me cope with my loneliness. My concentration has been down lately because of my depression. I find myself sitting down at home and I can't get my mind to concentrate to even read a book. I felt a panic attack coming on. I think I have had one my entire life. I mean full blown get the paper bag out and breath into it. I ended up taking a shower which always relaxes me and laid down in bed. Yesterday, I never left my house. But, I washed bedding, blankets, clothes, vacuumed, and washed my carpets. I didn't sit still much.
I have also been having a really hard time with the fact that people, specifically men, are not blowing up my phone trying to make plans with me. I am always reaching out to make plans. How I dream of someone reaching out to make plans and wanting my company. I know I am enough. I know I am a good time. I know I have so much to offer. It is really hard for me to not give in to the negative self-talk that maybe I am not good enough.
I sat down this weekend to blog and I thought even I don't want to read this shit anymore. Why would anyone else? I have been writing this same story for years. I read my old blogs and absolutely nothing has changed. I can't hide from my feelings though. I can't avoid writing because it's the same story. It's how I feel. It's what I think.
I think what is most troubling for me is that I am a fixer. If something is wrong, I fix it. This, this loneliness, I don't know how to fix it.
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