Summer II

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that both my mom and dad were going to Indianapolis with me. My parents have been divorced for at least 25 + years. I think they realized when their first granddaughter was born that they would have to find a way to get along for birthday parties, etc. Once they both got married, then the four of them were around each other. I love that about my family. That we can all get together and get along for not only me and my sister, but my nieces and nephews. My step-sister's side of the family also does really well being around each other. Needless to say, I was not worried about them being in a car together for 4 hours. Somehow they always find things to talk about. 

Also not sure if I have ever mentioned my strong dislike for Indianapolis. If I travel, I prefer to travel north to the Chicago area or Michigan. I'm not sure what it is about Indianapolis but I get turned around every single time. It is also a trigger for me because that is where Joey was always at when he was in the hospital and where he had his transplant. The construction right now in Indianapolis is insane. I missed my exit when I got there and got turned around. Finally, I was nearby the doctor's office, but had to work my way through the roundabouts. We have roundabouts here in Fort Wayne and they are not this bad. Not to mention, when you don't know where you're going, you end up driving in circles (literally). My mom was in the backseat minding her business. My dad was keeping quiet to let me find my way. Finally, I was like if anyone has any idea which way to go, let me know. What was supposed to be a 2 hour trip, took about 2.5 hours. I got there a few minutes late. I hauled ass into the office completely forgetting the disk in the car with my imaging on it. I was definitely frazzled and I had to pee! I filled out the intake paperwork and went back to the room to wait for the doctor. He said he would not rush into a second surgery quite yet. He did say that my C6-7 disc had gotten worse overtime. He mentioned that the discs above (C2-3 & C3-4), could potentially cause problems as well. He showed me side-by-side photos of my MRIs. He did recommend that I get an updated EMG (nerve conduction study). I have not had one for about 3-4 years. He also recommended that I get a cortisone injection. Thankfully, I could get one that same day. The nurses got approval from my insurance. I got x-rays taken and waited for the next doctor to get the injection. I had to take my shirt and bra off and put on a gown. Otherwise, didn't have to remove anything below my waste or any earrings, etc. I was only getting the right side at C7 done on this day. They can't do both sides at once. You lay down on your back. They put drapes around the spot where the injection will go. The doctor uses some machine to see where the injection is going. He inserts the needle and numbs the area and then inserts the Cortisone injection. It didn't hurt, but it's certainly not comfortable. Total time was maybe 10-15 minutes. I walked back to the room and that's when my entire right arm/hand went numb, which is normal. I got my bra and tank top on but then I couldn't do my t-shirt. My mom was on the phone with my step-dad and so I had my dad slide my t-shirt over my head. It's fine, mom. I got it. She laughed. Now, they both start making fun of me. They thought they were funny for sure. We get out to the car and at this point, I can see my arm moving. I can tell my brain is telling it what to do, but I can't feel anything. Nothing. My dad was driving home. He made it very clear that we were not using GPS. He had told me at some point, you have to use common sense instead of the GPS. That's the problem though. I have zero sense of direction when I am in Indianapolis. We get out to the car, and my dad is trying to push the button on the trunk. I said, "what are you doing?" He said, "I was going to put you in the trunk." Funny. I sit down in the passenger seat and realize that I can't feel my arm to close the door. I said, "hello, can someone get the door?" My mom thought it was hilarious so she gets out and shuts the door. We asked my dad if he could stop and get food and we were told that no, he had to get home to mow. Well, that opinion was vetoed. We got onto 69 and then stopped and got McDonald's. I don't eat McDonald's unless it's a sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffin which is about two times a year. But, man, that fish sandwich and fries were delicious. 

If I sat still, I could tell the slightest difference in my right and left arm. If I was moving or typing at work, it felt no different. That tiniest bit of relief lasted two days. My injection in my left side was scheduled in two weeks. 

In the meantime, I met with my surgeon. That was last Thursday. I told him I went to the doctor in Indianapolis and got an injection and that I had another one scheduled in two weeks. I explained that this doctor said the discs above could potentially cause problems. He shook. his head and said it was very unlikely. Without knowing that the doctor in Indianapolis suggested an EMG, my surgeon suggested I get one. I am just waiting on that to be scheduled. Then, I will follow-up with him again. I asked the surgeon hypothetical questions. Such as, had I had a MRI a week before surgery, would he have replaced both discs. Thinking back, I am not sure he answered my question. He said that insurance wise, they only do MRIs once every 12 months. He said in fact, he had read an article, or publishing that "they" were thinking even 12 months was too much. He said, he did not agree with that at all. I asked him while the MRI showed my C5-6 disc was worse, what if it's the C6-7 causing all of the problems? He said possibly, but the C5-6 was compressing on my spine. Now the C6-7 is compressing. He then said in his ten years, he's never seen anything like this. He agreed with the doctor in Indianapolis that my arthritis has progressed significantly over the last few years. I always tell my parents I am a medical marvel. 

My dad and I went down to Indianapolis today for my second injection. He drove both ways. It took us maybe an hour and a half each way (he does drive 90mph). We got down there early so we stopped at Starbucks to use the bathroom and get coffee. It was my dad's first time at Starbucks! He only gets black coffee, so it wasn't anything to special for him. He said it was good and it tasted like Folgers. HA! 

The injection this time was a lot more uncomfortable. I got extremely nauseous. After he was done, they put an ice pack on my neck and the nurse got me a Sprite. I felt a lot better after that. This time, my arm never went completely numb. However, we got into the elevator and I went to push the button and my hand was shaking so bad. Unfortunately, that's common for me, just not that bad.

I'm home now. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next few days. I don't have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in Indianapolis yet. I'm hoping he will do a Zoom visit or telephone. I can't keep taking days off to drive down there.  Hoping the EMG gets scheduled soon too.

I forgot to mention that I asked the nurses what they thought about the roundabouts. They said it helped with traffic but didn't love them. The nurse said the city was on Letterman because of all the roundabouts. Apparently, it has the most in the US? I'll have to see if I can find the video. 

Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Milestones

I have not had any relief from the numbness and tingling in my arms since surgery. With that being said, my physical therapist has encouraged me to celebrate every milestone. 

Last Friday, I finally drove farther than the minute it takes me to get to physical therapy. I drove to my sister's for dinner. I felt more comfortable with moving my head from left to right. I still have discomfort while driving, which I had before surgery. 

I planned on going into work for a few hours on Tuesday. Unfortunately, after showering, doing my hair and makeup, I was exhausted and decided to work from home. I got up this morning and showered, did my hair and makeup, and felt good about going into work for a few hours. I spent a lot of time catching up with everyone. Talking became uncomfortable and my throat got sore since I am still healing.  I had to review some documents so I tried to hold them up at eye level instead of looking down. The short amount of time I did look down, it definitely caused neck pain and increased the numbness and tingling in my arms. I was trying to convince myself I was not as physically exhausted as I was but I knew I needed to leave and come home. I left at lunchtime, came home, took some medicine, and got the heating pad out. 

I will celebrate that I am able to drive and I went into work today. Another milestone is that I am able to lay down a bit more when sleeping. I don't have the pillows piled up as high so that I am sleeping in a sitting position. I had physical therapy on Monday and it was time to do a re-evaluation. My strength has improved in my arms since surgery.

The physical therapist also explained to me that nerves regenerate 1mm per day (roughly the same as your fingernails). He said I know you won't want to hear this, but it could be 12 months before I know how effective the surgery was. I told him, I am fine with that. I said, if you told me I had zero chance of improvement, then I would be upset. 

I found this illustration online. It perfectly depicts where I experience the numbness and tingling in my arms.

I'm not sure I'll go into work tomorrow. I will see how I feel when I wake up. If I don't go into work, I am OK with that. I made it today. It's the little steps. 

Two Weeks Post-Op

I carry two pillows from my bed to the couch and back every morning and night. Those two pillows are positioned around two other pillows to support my head and arms. My range of motion is good looking left and right. Looking up and down is a bit more challenging. I make sure my head is positioned so that I am not looking down at the laptop while I work eight hours from the couch. It's the new norm for me but I know it won't last forever. 

I continue to do things around the house (i.e. dusting, mopping, vacuuming, laundry). When vacuuming, I used only my right arm and took small steps so that I was not extending my arm in and out at length. I am not lifting anything such as the trash, cat litter, or my 13lb cat, Amelya. 

The sutures on my incision all came off last Sunday. I am still having difficulty taking large bites or big gulps. I did a few calls with my boss and clients this week and when I was done, I felt like my incision/throat was swollen. I have started putting tiny drops of Vitamin E Oil around the incision and some Palmer's Coconut Body Lotion. 

I am still having numbness/tingling down into both arms. The doctor did say some people have immediate relief when waking up from surgery. I didn't have any expectation that would be the case for me. My nerves have been impinged for three years. I expect that it'll take some time. 

I started physical therapy on Monday. Once you get out of my neighborhood by taking two turns, you cross a main road and the therapy place is right there. I felt comfortable enough to drive there (otherwise I have not driven since before the surgery). It was nerve wrecking driving there but thankfully it's not far. I had to fill out initial paperwork which was very difficult for me. I already write like a five-year-old and even before surgery, it would take a lot of concentration and effort to write. Trying to fill out paperwork when you are hurting and can't look down is not fun. I got myself pretty worked up. The physical therapist started asking me questions about my history and how I was doing and I started crying. I knew I just had myself worked up from driving, filling out paperwork, and being somewhere I've never been before. Oh, and the lack of sleep. I haven't slept a whole night since surgery. He gave me three stretches to do while there and to do from home (which I have done everyday). I went back yesterday and he explained that you have nerves from your neck down into your arm. He said essentially you "floss" the nerves. He did some "flossing" with both arms. He then started massaging and putting pressure on this specific spot on my back; it's underneath my left shoulder blade. He was really moving things around. All of a sudden, it felt like a breeze washed over my left arm. It didn't last long after he stopped but my left arm felt lighter. 

Does it feel better? Does it feel different? Seems like simple questions to answer, right? My body is so accustomed to being in pain that for me, it's not a simple answer. I really try to differentiate between pre-surgery pain and post-surgery pain so I am not quick to answer. If anything, I just say "I don't know." 

I spoke with the physical therapist about my returning to work. I know he's not the surgeon, but wanted his thoughts. While I don't want to overdo it, I also don't want to nurse my symptoms by not being active or working. He said if he were in my situation and went into work, he would get so involved that next thing you know four hours has passed and you realize you're hurting. I told him that's EXACTLY my fear. I know me....I'll plan on going to work for two to three hours and next thing I know I'll have worked a full eight hour day. The next day will then be spent recuperating. I will take take one step forward and two steps back. He ended by saying that he thinks it's premature for me to return to work. While I knew that myself, I needed to talk it out. I am definitely a homebody, but this isn't me not wanting to go into work. I like being around my friends at work. I like doing my hair and makeup and putting real clothes and heels on. I am going to continue to listen to my body. That's all I can do.  

Pre-Surgery

When I decided it was time to proceed with a cervical disc replacement, I was given the option to be in a study. The study is for an artificial cervical disc replacement that is not yet approved by the FDA. It has been used in England for ten years. I will not know if I am in the study until my first follow-up appointment. It's randomized who gets put into the study but I am told I have a 60% chance. The study will last for seven years. I will have yearly follow-up appointments. I will get paid for my time, mileage, and expense of the follow-up appointments. 

I got a call from the coordinator and scheduled an appointment. I had to get new x-rays. I answered questions about my pain and how it effects my life. 

Now that surgery is scheduled for February 3rd, I had to do pre-surgery labs. The nurse who did my labs was so nice and a pro at drawing blood. She went over a few items with me including taking a shower the night before and having to use these wipes afterwards that helps with bacteria. She said that should I have a fever above 99, I should call the doctor or if I see anything odd coming from my incision to call the doctor. That seems to be pretty standard for any surgery. The nurse said that my doctor had ordered me to take home a lunger exerciser device. If you have never seen one, you breathe into a tube to see how far up you can push the ball. She wasn't sure why he was having me take one home, but nonetheless, she gave it to me. She asked me if I had ever seen one before and I said yes. She asked me if I knew how to use it and I said yes. I explained that my best friend had Cystic Fibrosis and he had to use one all of the time. Seeing this device was awfully triggering. I just put it out of my mind and moved on. 

I got home from work that evening and brought the reusable bag in the nurse had given me with everything inside. I hung the bag from the kitchen table chair but not before I made sure the device was at the bottom and covered up. I could not bare to see that sitting around like I used to see it sitting around Joey's house or seeing it at the hospital.

Now I wait until February 3rd. Stay tuned. 

Join Me On This Journey, Will You?

Surgery. That's how I will be bringing in the month of February. I have never had surgery besides my wisdom teeth being pulled.

Couple of reasons why I want to document this journey for myself. 

1. There is a 60% chance I will end up in a study for a new disc replacement. I want to have a place to go back and refresh my memory on how I felt before and after surgery. I already know that should I get into the study, I will have follow-up appointments for seven years.
2. My job. I work in personal injury and I see my clients going through exactly what I am going through. If I can help someone else through the process of a disc replacement, I want to be able to look back and refresh my memory so I can give them as much useful information as I can. 
3. For me. I know I will need to write and get my thoughts out. 

Lets start from the beginning, shall we? 

According to my medical records, my first appointment was April 26, 2019. Out of know where, I began experiencing tingling from my shoulders down to my wrists (bilaterally). I recall telling a girlfriend at work that I was scared because I had never had this sensation before. You know when your foot falls asleep and you get that tingling sensation? That's how both of my arms felt. I don't recall having much pain at this point. My family doctor prescribed steroids. I honestly thought it would help. I had taken steroids in the past for pinched nerves. Steroids proved to do absolutely nothing. 

On September 3, 2019, I had my first MRI of my cervical spine.

I was referred to a neurosurgeon. There's a good chance if you ask anyone in my area which neurosurgeon to see, they will mention this doctor. 

The neurosurgeon was certain it was carpel tunnel. I, however, was not convinced. Carpel tunnel in both my arms and from my shoulders down to my wrists? He ordered an Electromyography (EMG). This test is used to detect neuromuscular abnormalities. You're stuck with needles so that an electrical current can be sent causing a twinge or spasm. When your arms already feel like they are asleep, this test certainly does not help. The neurologist who did the test told me before I left that she found no signs of carpel tunnel in either hand/arm. 

My follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon was not what I expected especially from a doctor who is highly recommended. He confirmed I didn't have carpel tunnel. He reviewed the film from my MRI. He said my neck was definitely something to keep an eye on, but that I was too young for surgery. I asked him what now? In short, he said because I didn't have carpel tunnel, there was nothing more he could do. 

I followed up with my family doctor on November 18, 2019. The note from this visit states that the neurosurgeon had reviewed my film and felt that the issues I was having was not related to my neck, but carpal tunnel. However, he sent me for an EMG and surprisingly, it was completely normal. He goes on to say that I am frustrated and not sure where to turn next. 

I started my first round of physical therapy on December 10, 2019. Physical therapy turned into a place for me to go to simply get relief for 45mins. They would do anything that made me feel good. I recall being in the most pain during this time. Perhaps the symptoms were so new that I was unable to tolerate the pain as well as I do now. I had massages, my back cracked, tens unit, scrapping (helps reduce inflammation and increase blood flow), and cupping. My physical therapy ended up being derailed because of COVID, but to be honest, it wasn't helping. 

On March 3, 2020, I saw another neurologist. I won't go into detail about this appointment because it was nothing short of a waste of my time. The doctor walked in and said, "so, why are you here?" 

I was then referred to pain management. I essentially picked the provider I wanted to see based on what I had read from my client's medical records. I first saw pain management on August 17, 2020. Another appointment gone wrong. The appointment was at 8:00 a.m. The doctor appeared to be running behind already. He didn't really listen to what I was saying. He was quick to order pain medication (which I didn't even need because my family doctor had prescribed a nerve medication for me already). Naturally, I was then asked to give a urine sample since I would be taking pain medication. I didn't know beforehand that I would be required to give a urine sample so naturally at 8:00 a.m. I had no sample to give. I was treated like a drug addict. The medical assistant made it seem like I was not peeing enough on purpose. She told me to go sit in a room and gave me a cup of water. I then tried again. The sample was less than the first time. Do they combine them together? Nope. You start over. She told me to go sit in the room again and that she would be going across the hall to explain the situation to the doctor and his staff. It was as if I was a child disobeying. She brought in a swab for me to stick in my mouth and suck on. You had to get enough saliva on it to turn the swab blue. I'm not a doctor, but if I don't have enough urine to give, I am probably not going to be able to produce enough saliva. That was the case. I ended up swishing my mouth around and around spitting on the swab over and over until it finally turned blue. It was one of those moments where you don't even know how you got into that situation. Naturally, I never went back to his office. 

I then saw a new pain management doctor at a different facility. I had an epidural steroid injection into my neck on October 5, 2020. You are awake during the injection, but are heavily sedated with pain medication. It takes maybe 20-30 seconds for the injection. There is a lot of pressure in the area when it is injected. Not comfortable, but not unbearable. The only benefit I got from this was the relief I got from the drugs before the injection. 

After speaking with a few friends, I thought I would give dry needling a shot. I asked my family doctor to refer me back to physical therapy. I started my second round of physical therapy on January 21, 2021. The first round of dry needling seemed to really help. That was the only time I got relief. We tried it multiple times but physical therapy turned back into what will provide me relief for 45 minutes and we will do that. The therapist wanted me to work on strengthening. We attempted to lift some weights and workout. Very light weights at that. Each time I tried to workout, feelings that I was not aware I even had came out. I would immediately start crying. It was so upsetting to me that I had been lifting weights, running, and boxing and now I could barely lift a 5lb weight. For the first time in my life with me being 39 and my dad being 70, I was able to be as strong as him while pulling tons of leaves from my backyard to the front just two years prior. Now, I couldn't lift a 5lb weight without crying. I stayed late one night after therapy and had a roundtable talk with two therapists. We wondered if I started exercising first when I got to therapy and ended with whatever would make me feel better; we could "trick" my mind into not believing that whatever exercise I was doing was not going to result in more pain and discomfort. I didn't complete all of my physical therapy. I was discharged early for making no progress.

On April 22, 2021, I had a zoom appointment with another neuro doctor. Nothing came from that appointment other than what I already knew. 

Other treatment I tried was Non-Steroid Anti-Inflammatory Drug (NSAIDs) to help with inflammation. It seemed to help. However, I ended up with an ulcer. It was so bad I had my sister turn around and take me home as we were on our way to shop for Black Friday. It is my families tradition to do that with all of us girls. 

Since the NSAIDs seemed to help, it was suggested I use the topical form. I tried that but it didn't work. 

I did a few rounds of chiropractic treatment. He was more concerned about what I was eating that could be causing inflammation than anything. I'm not saying he is wrong, I just didn't want to be lectured every time about what it was I was eating or not eating. 

I tried essential oils. No relief. 

I went to the CBD store and started off with lotion. That did seem to help a bit. I ended up breaking out in a rash though. I got CBD oil drops to take and even gummies. No relief. Lastly, I tried a CBD vape. I have tried most of them that they have, all of which help with pain and inflammation. I have found one that seems to help some. Not much, but some. 

The only thing that has gotten me through is bi-weekly deep tissue massages. Albeit an expensive treatment, it is is so worth it. I absolutely love my massage therapist. It blows my mind that she can always tell what parts of my body need more attention. It's 75 mins of pure bliss.

What has not worked for me, may work for someone else. I encourage anyone going through any type of pain, to try everything you can. It's really trial and error. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. 

Because my symptoms have not improved in almost three years, I have decided to proceed with a disc replacement. Not to be confused with a fusion. I have already went through the pre-screening for surgery and had labs drawn yesterday. I'll go into detail about the possibility of being put in a trial and what has happened since deciding on surgery later. 

Resistance

Last year around this same time, I was in physical therapy for my neck. I admit I didn't get much relief. It felt good while I was there but that was about it. There was one time, the therapist had me use a resistance band to do curls. I was in tears the entire time. It made me realize how weak my arms had become. I hurt so bad afterwards and I didn't even do that many curls. 

I spend all day trying to feel better. Whether it's using my massager, cupping, physical therapy, deep tissue massage, or prescriptions for pain management. I am so consumed with making sure I don't overdue it so I don't increase my pain which in turn is not helping because I am becoming weaker. 

The dry needling seemed to work for a few weeks. Then at one session, the therapist had me lift my head and hold it while laying down. It was very upsetting seeing how weak my neck is. That one move put me in so much pain. 

Last night I went to therapy. He said we're jumping right in to do everything that makes you feel better. He started with manual manipulation, dry needling, and even did some scrapping which is my favorite.  He ended with basically using his body weight and pushing on this specific spot under my shoulder blade. Besides the numbness and tingling in my arms, that spot causes me a lot of discomfort. I then rolled on my side and he was moving my shoulder blade around to get up under it and get to that spot. He again just pushed and pushed. When he asked me how it felt, I said, "oh, I could sit here all day while you did that." 

Therapists will do progress reports every month I believe. They have me hold my arms straight out in front of me and push down to test my strength. Every time (even last year), I get teary eyed because again, I have no strength. 

He did that last night and sure enough I teared up. He brought in weights for me to use while doing shoulder shrugs and I just looked at him like he was nuts. I am definitely dramatic during physical therapy. It makes me laugh and the therapist. Naturally, I was dramatic when he brought the weights in. I said I didn't want to do it. He said to try it and see how I feel. I did and it was exhausting. 

Because I am just not having any progress, he brought in another therapist that has been doing this a little longer. My therapist started telling her my resistance to any type of strengthening or exercise. For the next half hour or so I cried. We discussed how scared I am to do anything because I fear that it will cause more pain. We discussed working on things that will help my strength but doing those first in therapy and ending with manipulation, needling, scrapping, etc. Almost retraining my brain that if I do a, b, and c, I can then end with something that makes me feel good. She asked me to do shoulder shrugs throughout the day. She gave me a tennis ball that I can use to stand up against a wall and roll the ball over that spot under my shoulder blade. I was at therapy an extra 45mins. I appreciate them taking the time to figure out what they can do. I am trying everything possible to avoid surgery. I know it sounds simple - I am in excruciating pain everyday that is effecting my quality of life. I don't exercise anymore. I am not sleeping well. I hurt so bad so I don't want to go out and do anything. Why not have surgery? Who wouldn't be scared to have a disc removed from their neck? Why if it makes it worse? What if it's not any better? Of course, what if it does work? What if I do feel better? I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Rather I wish I knew what the outcome of surgery would be. It's just so scary. With the radiation down into my arms, I risk having permanent nerve damage too. 

Any suggestions or tips are welcomed. 

Getting Old Really Is a Bitch

Roughly two years ago, I started having numbness and tingling in both of my arms. I had a MRI done of my neck. I then went to a neurosurgeon who suggested I get an Electromyography (EMG). He was certain I had carpal tunnel in both arms. In fact, he said, call me after the EMG to schedule surgery. I on the other hand was not convinced that I had carpal tunnel in both arms.  The doctor who performed the EMG told me right then she saw no signs of carpal tunnel. I contacted the surgeon and his nurse told me that because I didn't have carpal tunnel, he wasn't going to see me again. I went back to my family doctor. He ordered physical therapy.  I started physical therapy a year ago. It helped while I was there. It was basically a very expensive massage. When COVID hit last March, I stopped going to physical therapy. My family doctor sent me to a neck surgeon. He suggested a disc replacement. He said I could have the surgery on Friday and be back to work on Monday (mmm...not sure how I feel about that). My family doctor started me on Gabapentin which is a nerve medication. He also prescribed Meloxicam which is a stronger Ibuprofen. I made an appointment with pain management to discuss injections. Surgery was scheduled for an injection.  He suggested I take the Meloxicam everyday (opposed to as-needed).  He said it would help with my arthritis.  Which it did. After meeting with the doctor, I had to give a urine sample which did not go well with his staff.  Needless to say, I did not go back for the injection.  I went to a second pain management doctor who also suggested an injection.  I scheduled the injection. The only relief I received from the injection, was the drugs they gave me beforehand. The injection wasn't too bad. It just felt like pressure on my neck. I had the injection in the fall of last year.  A few months ago, I started going to a chiropractor. Once or twice I felt a little better when leaving, but otherwise had no relief. The chiropractor suggested I work on eating anti-inflammatory foods. That consists mainly of meat, eggs, nuts, fruits/veggies. I am not saying he's wrong but I didn't want to be preached to when I go in and get an adjustment. Because I was not finding it beneficial, I have stopped going. 

Around Thanksgiving, I started having very bad stomach pains.  The walk-in doctor I saw suggested I stop taking the Meloxicam because it could cause bleeding ulcers. Great, the one thing I felt was helping my arms, I was told to stop.  

I started dry needling last week.  I am going twice a week for four weeks. I am hopeful this will provide me with some relief. 

The last two weeks I have not slept well at all. Initially, it was because I was going to start my period. Who knew that insomnia was a precursor to starting your period? I have always noticed that I don't sleep as well before I start my period. It has definitely gotten worse these last few months. According to Google, it is because of the change in your estrogen and progesterone levels. My sleeping did not improve after I started my period. 

I am not sleeping because I am in pain and uncomfortable all the time. I wake up and both arms are completely asleep. My neck has been really stiff the past few weeks too.  I don't drink or do drugs - I sleep! I have not felt mentally refreshed for a couple of weeks now. I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there. Friday when I got off work, I was so exhausted. I thought surely I won't make it until 8:00 p.m. I was up until after 11:00 p.m. Because I cannot get enough sleep to feel refreshed, I am extremely grouchy. I feel horrible being around my friends and being so down. 

A lot of people struggle through these first few months of any new year. The holidays are over. It's too cold to be outside. There are no days off until Memorial Day. All of this is exacerbated by COVID. Last night I Googled flights to California. I see today that California lifted the stay-at-home order. I could possibly go out there for a long weekend. However, with my neck pain being what it is, I am not sure how I would do on a plane and carrying my baggage through an airport. 

I know right now is just a little more rough than usual. I am trying with every fiber of my being to stay positive.  Since driving is extremely uncomfortable for me, I have been staying home a lot on the weekends.  

I am looking forward to possibly getting the inside of my house painted soon. I would also like to get my tattoo scheduled. 

I take Amelya next Thursday to get a giant cyst removed off her back which I am absolutely dreading. 

A friendship/dating relationship recently came to an end at Christmas. I am physically exhausted fighting for someone who is not fighting for me. I find myself typing a text message to make plans with this person because I miss them so much. I don't hit send though. It's like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman. I want the fairy tale. I want the big gesture. I need to feel I am what this person wants and I don't. I am not sure I ever have. Right now I have to let it go. Like I said, I am so tired and the fight is gone. Rightfully so until I get the same energy back. 

Note to self: Ask mom when she went through menopause. I am certain it is on the horizon.

If anyone has feedback on my neck problems, please share! I am eager to talk to others who experience the same type of pain. Did you have surgery? If not, what conservative measures have worked for you?