Embarrassment and Shame

After I published my Welcome Back  post, I read through some of my older posts. The disappointment, sadness, and overall embarrassment that washed over me was overwhelming. It made me wonder again why I am writing. Why am I still talking about and experiencing the same damn shit? It makes me so angry at myself. If I were an outsider reading my blog, I would think this girl needs to get it together. She needs to make a change. She's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Dear Outsider: "You're not wrong." 

I believe I am an intelligent woman. At least when it comes to my job, maintaining a home, and managing my finances.  That shit comes fairly easy to me.  Despite therapy, books, discussions with family and friends, and time, I cannot get a grip on feeling lonely. 

I dwell on having an abundance of down time.  Especially around this time when I am off work more than usual.  I try so hard to not feel that it eventually makes it worse. I shut people out and isolate myself. For instance, I was with eight people on New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and back to a friends house to play games. There is always a lot of laughter when we get together. Even then, being surrounded by eight other people, I felt lonely. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I do not let any of that go unacknowledged. With all that I have to be grateful for, I feel shame for it not being enough for me. I feel shame that I have this one tiny thing in my life that outshines all the good that I have.