I'm 45!

I started writing this in May. It's now August 20th. I turned 45 this year. I honestly cannot believe it. 

Holy shit! It's been over a year since I sat down and wrote. Not sure where to even begin. I suppose I start with the biggest new. I got a new job! 

When I started working at my last job which was a law firm, my intent was to be there until my boss retired. I was not sure of my plans after that. Unfortunately, the changes within the firm over the last year were not a fit for me. I am Type A. I follow the rules. I do what I am supposed to do. I work my ass off. While I realize other employees' actions did not and more importantly should not affect me, they did. The lack of leadership and accountability had always been an issue, but recently had gotten worse. The biggest change came when the firm decided to use a case management software. I (we) became data entry clerks. Every task from simply getting into a client's file to generating documents, slowed me (us) down and made it impossible to manage the workload. The number of emails sent, conversations, tears shed, and asking for help and advice all unnoticed. I spent hours and hours fixing mistakes due to lack of accountability and laziness. 

I knew more money or vacation time was not going to expand my bandwidth of being able to handle the work and lack of leadership. I was exhausted from trying to be heard. I felt I could no longer do my job at the level I know how to do it and at which I do it well. 

I graduated college in 2001. Aside from working at Verizon and Tippmann Construction for a brief time, I have always worked in a law firm. I have worked in collections, insurance defense, family law, adoptions, real estate, estate planning/administration, personal injury, and bankruptcy. What were my options? Start over at another law firm? I knew finding another law firm that I had not worked for, knew someone, or an area of law I was interested in would be like finding a needle in a haystack. I like being a paralegal. Did I want to give that up? What else could I do? 

I found my search to be very narrow. Perhaps I could get into recruiting. I could be a contractor and take on paralegal jobs while working from home. WFH simply is not an option for my mental health. I could get into a corporate job. I updated my resume on Indeed and changed my profile on LinkedIn. I applied for a couple of jobs. A few law firms and other companies reached out but nothing that I felt was a fit for me. 

I had a recruiter reach out to me on Indeed. He said, "Would you happen to be interested in an Executive Assistant position? My client is looking for someone with paralegal experience to review contracts as well as other duties. Any interest?" We set up a telephone call. He stated it was a new position for the president of an architectural firm. He wanted a paralegal to help with contracts, etc. He didn't have much of a job description since it was going to be a new position. An interview was scheduled which went really well. A little over two weeks later, I was offered the position. 

I put my notice in at the law firm. I busted my ass those two weeks too. I had originally planned on working two weeks and one day and decided that an extra day was not going to make a difference. I wanted to get as much done as I could in order to alleviate the stress on my legal assistant and other co-workers. But mentally I was done. 

In less than two months after my leaving, two others left. What frustrates me is that this didn't have to happen. Having left I now see that no matter how many emails I sent, conversations I had, or tears shed was ever going to make a difference. In fact, after I left, I found out management said, "I don't know why Rachel left." That is simply untrue. I explained why I was leaving. If you still didn't know, why wouldn't you have asked me? My guess is that they did know why, but it was easier to bury their heads in the sand. I learned a lot working there and I grew in my career and as a person. I don't regret my decision to leave. It's just sad that a few of us felt there was no other option. 

As I said above, I have so much on my mind, but I think I'll end this post here. Leave this chapter behind. 

Angry

Angry. I don't know any other adjective to describe my mood lately. My mind feels very scattered and simply unhealthy. I am sure that sounds odd to say my mind feels unhealthy. I started feeling this way on Sunday and it hit me really hard on Monday. I was telling my friends at work how I just don't feel like myself. First response was that a full moon was days away. When people try to tell me that my depression is seasonal or because a full moon is coming makes me feel like my feelings are not validated. Second response was telling me about Circadian Rhythms. I'm sorry. What? Isn't that a bug that makes really loud noises in the summer? Nope, that's a Cicada. (I knew that. Really, I did). My work friend lead me to National Institute of General Medical Sciences. Honestly, I don't know that I fully understand Circadian Rhythms. I am still reading a lot about it. It says Circadian Rhythms can affect hormone release, eating habits & digestion, and body temperature. Most common though is the affect on your sleep patterns. 

I have noticed that roughly a week before I start my period, I sleep like shit. I wake up several times a night and I get really bad night sweats. I am 43 years old and fall in the average age range for perimenopause. Is it my hormones? 

Lately, I have felt like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. According to IMDb, the movie is about a guy who finds himself in a time loop and the day keeps repeating until he gets it right. Well, shit. Now I am wondering what I am not getting right. 

I don't know whether it's Circadian Rhythms, perimenopause, or simply not getting it right. What I do know is that I am doing everything I can to figure it out. 

My mind feels unhealthy because it's constantly arguing with itself. It's exhausting in there. 

I feel like I am not dealing with shit. I took a vacation day yesterday. Work has been really stressful and I thought an extra day would just help me decompress. It in fact, did not. I am extremely careful when it comes to taking days off work. I know that at times, it can be harmful to my mental health to have an extra day to be alone. I didn't foresee that coming yesterday. I got off work Thursday evening and it hit me. I wanted to do something Friday. I would have liked to go up to Michigan to an outlet mall. Explore someplace new. I didn't have it in me to drive the 2.5hrs there and back by myself. I made a plan of what I wanted to do Friday. When I woke up Friday, I did not feel any better. But, I was going to power through. I had my morning coffee and got dressed. I started to get extremely anxious as I was getting ready to leave. I pulled out of my garage and sat in the driveway for a few minutes before leaving. 

The more I drove, the more I suppressed my anxiety. I went to Fresh Thyme and picked up a couple of things. I walked around TJ Maxx. I then went to a boutique I really like. I didn't buy anything but the few items at Fresh Thyme. I considered going to a few other places and then realized that I didn't have to do this. I could go home. So I did. 

I got home and started doing some cleaning. I got the cushions out for my patio furniture. Put a few things away in the shed. Started picking up the thousands of sticks in the yard. The cats got to enjoy the sunshine for a while. I jumped in the shower and realized as I was shaving my legs, that my toilet was dripping. The last thing I wanted to do was call my dad because I didn't have the energy to deal with the toilet or pretend I was fine around my dad. I put some towels down and got back in the shower. 

Later, as I sit on the couch, my eyes started watering and then the water works started. It was as if my body couldn't handle anymore pretending. I cried on and off for quite a while. I don't t think the TV series I was watching helped either. HA. 

I went to bed last night and laid there listing everything that I am angry about. I knew today I would have to write. 

I am angry about...

• My health. I had neck surgery over a year ago and I am no better, if not worse. I saw a new pain management doctor on Thursday. I cannot express how much time, money, and energy has been spent on doctors. It drives me crazy missing work for these appointments. My appointment was at 8:30 (arrival time 8:15) and the doctor did not walk into the room until 9:15. I had requested off work until 9:15. I left the room at 9:00 and told the receptionist I had to get to work. She told me I was up next. I went back to the room and waited another 15mins. The doctor came in and says, "You look like you're 21, but you're 43. Did you always look young even when you were a kid?" Me: "I don't know." Doctor: "Well you look good." He goes on to ask me if I have gotten injections before. He then proceeded to ask me if "they" have talked to me about surgery. Me: "Yep. I had surgery." I have an injection scheduled in two weeks. I am not sure if I will be keeping that appointment. I have been in pain for over four years. I am only 43 years old. I should still be able to do chores around the house. I should be able to wash my car. I should be able to pick up sticks without being in pain. I shouldn't wake up multiple times a night because both of my arms are completely asleep because of my neck. I have been having trouble with itchy skin for roughly four months. I have redness on my scalp. I saw a dermatologist a few weeks ago and I have Eczema. The fact that I had multiple injections last year in my neck and low back, could definitely be playing a role she said with the Eczema. 
• Work. I am a really hard worker. I know I am good at my job. I have been doing this for twenty-two years. Somedays though, I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people who do the absolute bare-fucking-minimum. I want that life. HA. I could go to work and watch others bust their ass and get stuck doing some of my work. 
• A boy. I have been pretending for years that I am OK, but I am not. Stop having relationship problems with someone you're not in a relationship with. I have repeated this statement to myself so many times since having read it. I spent so much time and energy picturing a life with someone who never once pictured a life with me. What a fool he must think I am. I think back to the texts I would get saying, "you just popped in my head and wanted to say hi." I now know that I literally did just pop into his head. He didn't think about me the way I thought about him. I tried justifying his actions for a very long time. I felt stupid for feeling like I was being crazy and reacting the way I did at times. I was simply responding to the way I was being treated. I did everything I could. I was patient, understanding, loving, and supportive. I am not angry everyday, but I certainly still have days.  
• Being alone. Nothing consumes me more than the feeling of being alone. Why don't I deserve to find love? What did I do wrong? I feel like I am being punished. I feel forgotten. The sadness sits on my chest and in the bottom of my stomach. It has a permanent spot in my thoughts. I feel such a deep aching sadness that I could never begin to explain exactly what it feels like. 

I know everyday will not feel like this. This past week feels like it just might. 

Decades

If you could go back and give your younger self advice, what would you say?

I have this vivid image of me standing outside my childhood home on the day of my high school graduation party. I can't be sure if I remember what I was wearing from memory, or from pictures. I remember it was nice and sunny outside. Most importantly, I recall thinking to myself, I got this thing called life figured out. 

In reality, can you really tell an 18-year-old anything about life? They're not going to listen. I know I wouldn't have listened. 

I have always thought it would be funny to write a book capturing each decade of my life (or our lives).  The premise would be that in our 20's, we think we are untouchable. Invincible. We are in our prime of physical health. Even though we have moved from a job to a career, we still do not have any money. We have a lot of friends. We haven't figured out yet how to let go of relationships of any kind that are not serving us. High school is still in our vocabulary. We think anyone over 40 is old. 

In our 30's, we start making a little more money. High school is now something we reminisce about. Everyone around you is settling down, getting married, and having kids (if not already). Our bodies are changing. We now have aches and pains when we get out of bed in the morning. We start to appreciate staying home on a Friday night. Our circle of friends starts to get smaller. We have started to realize that saying no is OK and not everyone is meant to be in our life. Oh, and anyone over 40 is still old. 

In your 40's, you're starting to finally make some money. Maybe enough to feel comfortable that all of your bills are now set-up on auto pay. Your body has now betrayed you. I hurt everyday all day. You go to bed at the time you used to start getting ready to go out. You no longer can sleep passed 8:00 a.m. Your circle of friends has dwindled down to a handful of friends. You find yourself always saying "yes, let's get together" and yet you never do. Girls nights are no longer spontaneous. After checking with everyones calendars, the first mutual date available is in four weeks. You try to figure out where to go for dinner, but you no longer know the "it" places in town. Dinner has to be no later than 5:00, or you're not going. You have never been happier when plans get canceled. You have found your voice and are comfortable saying no. You have realized that your time is way too important, because guess what? Surprise, you are now old.  Self-care looks different now. You're drinking a lot of water, taking 10 different vitamins, moisturizing, and using sunscreen everyday (I can't believe I used to go to the tanning bed). You now wear shoes that are no longer fashionable, but comfortable. High school was 20+ years ago. Incase I haven't said it yet, SURPRISE, you're old too. 

(That would be the premise for my book. I just don't have the bandwidth to put this all together.) 

For me, the biggest change since turning 40 (I'm 43) is realizing that if I am getting older, so are my parents. I no longer feel untouchable or invincible. We have found ourselves living in a world where mass shootings at schools, churches, malls, concerts, movie theaters, and on the streets we walk are no longer breaking news. We have made it through a pandemic. Congratulations to us!

New Year's Eve is a day to reflect on the past year. It also gives us something to look forward to for the coming year. The past couple of years, I have felt a sigh of relief knowing I made it another year without losing a parent. I then immediately feel anxious going into a new year. 

I don't live in this state of mind everyday. It just brings me back to how much we change from decade to decade. I never had this thought on New Year's Eve when I was in my 20's. 

My best friend lost her mom a few years ago. Two friends I have known since kindergarten have lost a mom and dad. These are parents I knew in grade school because I would have sleepovers at my friend's house. 

A few days ago, my step-mom lost her mom. I didn't see her often, but when I did, she was always kind. I have heard a lot of good stories. I know my dad enjoyed playing cards with her. 

When I am hurting, I call my mom. I called her on my lunch break the day I found out. She picked up and said, "what's up?" I said, "I just wanted to call my mom" and I started crying. Crying for the loss of my step-mom's mom and crying because I was able to call my mom. Yesterday, I was out running errands and texted my mom that I was going to stop over because I had to pee. While that was true, I also just needed to see my mom. She opened the door and I just stood there and she wrapped her arms around me.

When I see my step-mom next, I will wrap my arms around her. 

Summer II

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that both my mom and dad were going to Indianapolis with me. My parents have been divorced for at least 25 + years. I think they realized when their first granddaughter was born that they would have to find a way to get along for birthday parties, etc. Once they both got married, then the four of them were around each other. I love that about my family. That we can all get together and get along for not only me and my sister, but my nieces and nephews. My step-sister's side of the family also does really well being around each other. Needless to say, I was not worried about them being in a car together for 4 hours. Somehow they always find things to talk about. 

Also not sure if I have ever mentioned my strong dislike for Indianapolis. If I travel, I prefer to travel north to the Chicago area or Michigan. I'm not sure what it is about Indianapolis but I get turned around every single time. It is also a trigger for me because that is where Joey was always at when he was in the hospital and where he had his transplant. The construction right now in Indianapolis is insane. I missed my exit when I got there and got turned around. Finally, I was nearby the doctor's office, but had to work my way through the roundabouts. We have roundabouts here in Fort Wayne and they are not this bad. Not to mention, when you don't know where you're going, you end up driving in circles (literally). My mom was in the backseat minding her business. My dad was keeping quiet to let me find my way. Finally, I was like if anyone has any idea which way to go, let me know. What was supposed to be a 2 hour trip, took about 2.5 hours. I got there a few minutes late. I hauled ass into the office completely forgetting the disk in the car with my imaging on it. I was definitely frazzled and I had to pee! I filled out the intake paperwork and went back to the room to wait for the doctor. He said he would not rush into a second surgery quite yet. He did say that my C6-7 disc had gotten worse overtime. He mentioned that the discs above (C2-3 & C3-4), could potentially cause problems as well. He showed me side-by-side photos of my MRIs. He did recommend that I get an updated EMG (nerve conduction study). I have not had one for about 3-4 years. He also recommended that I get a cortisone injection. Thankfully, I could get one that same day. The nurses got approval from my insurance. I got x-rays taken and waited for the next doctor to get the injection. I had to take my shirt and bra off and put on a gown. Otherwise, didn't have to remove anything below my waste or any earrings, etc. I was only getting the right side at C7 done on this day. They can't do both sides at once. You lay down on your back. They put drapes around the spot where the injection will go. The doctor uses some machine to see where the injection is going. He inserts the needle and numbs the area and then inserts the Cortisone injection. It didn't hurt, but it's certainly not comfortable. Total time was maybe 10-15 minutes. I walked back to the room and that's when my entire right arm/hand went numb, which is normal. I got my bra and tank top on but then I couldn't do my t-shirt. My mom was on the phone with my step-dad and so I had my dad slide my t-shirt over my head. It's fine, mom. I got it. She laughed. Now, they both start making fun of me. They thought they were funny for sure. We get out to the car and at this point, I can see my arm moving. I can tell my brain is telling it what to do, but I can't feel anything. Nothing. My dad was driving home. He made it very clear that we were not using GPS. He had told me at some point, you have to use common sense instead of the GPS. That's the problem though. I have zero sense of direction when I am in Indianapolis. We get out to the car, and my dad is trying to push the button on the trunk. I said, "what are you doing?" He said, "I was going to put you in the trunk." Funny. I sit down in the passenger seat and realize that I can't feel my arm to close the door. I said, "hello, can someone get the door?" My mom thought it was hilarious so she gets out and shuts the door. We asked my dad if he could stop and get food and we were told that no, he had to get home to mow. Well, that opinion was vetoed. We got onto 69 and then stopped and got McDonald's. I don't eat McDonald's unless it's a sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffin which is about two times a year. But, man, that fish sandwich and fries were delicious. 

If I sat still, I could tell the slightest difference in my right and left arm. If I was moving or typing at work, it felt no different. That tiniest bit of relief lasted two days. My injection in my left side was scheduled in two weeks. 

In the meantime, I met with my surgeon. That was last Thursday. I told him I went to the doctor in Indianapolis and got an injection and that I had another one scheduled in two weeks. I explained that this doctor said the discs above could potentially cause problems. He shook. his head and said it was very unlikely. Without knowing that the doctor in Indianapolis suggested an EMG, my surgeon suggested I get one. I am just waiting on that to be scheduled. Then, I will follow-up with him again. I asked the surgeon hypothetical questions. Such as, had I had a MRI a week before surgery, would he have replaced both discs. Thinking back, I am not sure he answered my question. He said that insurance wise, they only do MRIs once every 12 months. He said in fact, he had read an article, or publishing that "they" were thinking even 12 months was too much. He said, he did not agree with that at all. I asked him while the MRI showed my C5-6 disc was worse, what if it's the C6-7 causing all of the problems? He said possibly, but the C5-6 was compressing on my spine. Now the C6-7 is compressing. He then said in his ten years, he's never seen anything like this. He agreed with the doctor in Indianapolis that my arthritis has progressed significantly over the last few years. I always tell my parents I am a medical marvel. 

My dad and I went down to Indianapolis today for my second injection. He drove both ways. It took us maybe an hour and a half each way (he does drive 90mph). We got down there early so we stopped at Starbucks to use the bathroom and get coffee. It was my dad's first time at Starbucks! He only gets black coffee, so it wasn't anything to special for him. He said it was good and it tasted like Folgers. HA! 

The injection this time was a lot more uncomfortable. I got extremely nauseous. After he was done, they put an ice pack on my neck and the nurse got me a Sprite. I felt a lot better after that. This time, my arm never went completely numb. However, we got into the elevator and I went to push the button and my hand was shaking so bad. Unfortunately, that's common for me, just not that bad.

I'm home now. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next few days. I don't have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in Indianapolis yet. I'm hoping he will do a Zoom visit or telephone. I can't keep taking days off to drive down there.  Hoping the EMG gets scheduled soon too.

I forgot to mention that I asked the nurses what they thought about the roundabouts. They said it helped with traffic but didn't love them. The nurse said the city was on Letterman because of all the roundabouts. Apparently, it has the most in the US? I'll have to see if I can find the video. 

Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer was never my favorite season. I loved when spring came so I could open all the windows in my house. Before I knew it, summer was here, and the house was closed back up and the air conditioner on. Now that I suddenly have seasonal allergies, I can no longer have the windows open in my house. 

I was never one of those girls that looked cute hot. You know those girls I am talking about? They could sit in the sun for hours or go hiking and still look good. Makeup untouched and the cute messy bun. As I gained weight over the years, my dislike for summer grew stronger. I didn't feel comfortable wearing tank tops or shorts. Winter, I could layer up with cardigans and leggings. The apartment I lived in for 10 years had a really nice pool. That certainly helped my dislike for summer. When I found the beach in St. Joe, my stance on summer started to change. I realized if I were around water, summer was actually nice. I have gone kayaking a few times at a nearby state park which has also helped change my tune about summer. 

It's 5:15 p.m. and currently 88 degrees. I have been in and out all day sitting on my patio. About 1:00 when the sun hits my entire patio, I put the umbrella up and sat for a while. The sun is completely off my patio now and there is a breeze, albeit a warm one. I haven't left my house all day. Somehow sitting outside makes me feel like I am not wasting my day. It's amazing all of the sounds you take in while you're outside. I hear lawn mowers, birds, bugs, and the squirrels talking to each other (or my cats). A plane just flew over my house too. Lets not forget everyone's air conditioners running. I hear the sound of the car doors closing. Is someone here? Not likely. Just me and the cats. As the day winds down, the sound of my neighbor's kids are playing and their parents are enjoying their music (too loud for my liking). 

Sitting in the sunshine feels like I am plugging my body into an outlet to be recharged. I can now say I am a fan of summer. I just had to find things that I enjoy. Yes, there are still days where the humidity keeps me inside. Even then, I try to sit outside for 10-15 minutes.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on July 5th. I had intended on going to the beach, but the weather was a little iffy. Mostly cloudy and chance of rain. I woke up on my birthday and threw some clothes on, stopped and got coffee and a blueberry muffin, and headed up to Michigan City to walk around the outlet mall. I got a new purse from Kate Spade, shirt from Guess, and a hat. I have never been one of those girls to wear a baseball hat. I left that to the hot girls sitting in the sun. One of my favorite bloggers wears a LA hat. I love it (the fit and color, but not so much the LA part). Another blogger I follow wears the same hat but a different color and it's NY (also a fan of the fit and color, but not NY). A handful of times I have gone to the website (Urban Outfitters) to buy this hat, but I couldn't do it. I grew up in a household where we watched the Bears and the Cubs. I even contemplated which one (NY/LA) would be less controversial since I am a Bears/Cubs fan. I knew I wanted a green hat, but the Cubs don't do green. I tried on a hat at Lids and actually really liked it. I still kept going back and forth. I texted my dad a picture of me in a green LA hat. I get a text back "no." I get another text that says "My watch responded with no. I didn't mean that." Blame it on the watch, Dad. HA! I walked around this little store for the longest time looking at all the hats. I came to the conclusion that I physically could not get a NY/LA hat. FINALLY, on my fifth or sixth trip around the store, I found a Bears hat and it was green. I got the dad seal of approval.

I left the outlet mall, turned the map on in my car, and followed the blue. I wanted to see if I could find the lake. I think I drove maybe 10 minutes (just confirmed, it was 11 minutes) and ended up on a street lined with beach houses on both sides. The houses were so eclectic. There were tons of people riding bikes, walking, and driving golf carts. In a split second I was in this city that I had no idea even existed. I kept trying to find a place to pull over, but it was all street parking for residents. I finally found a gravel loading area and pulled over. I got out of my car, and there it was -- Lake Michigan. It looked like an ocean. 

I FaceTime'd my niece to show her what I found. I then FaceTime'd my dad. The connection was not great, so we got disconnected so he called me. He asked me if I ended up going out to dinner the night before with my mom and sister. 

I explained that we did go to dinner, but that I blew up at everyone. No one had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday dinner and I just let it out in the parking lot where we were. It just hit me that everyone has their own shit going on. 

As I stood there on the phone with my dad looking over Lake Michigan, I had a breakdown. Yes, I have expressed how being alone feels. Hell, I've been expressing it on this blog for 10+years. It just goes deeper than that. I explained some of my thoughts that go on in my head. Such as, every 4th of July, I drive to/from the fireworks alone. I drive to/from my parents for holidays alone. When my family goes to dinner and the waitress asks how the checks should be split; my mom and step-dad are together, my sister, brother-in-law, and three kids are together, and "she's by herself." No one understands how I feel, I told my dad. No one understands what it's like to be alone all of the time. No one understands what it's like to live life everyday without someone to lean on. No one understands these thoughts happen everyday all day. In short, it's fucking exhausting. 

I got off the phone with my dad and back into my car. I stopped and got gas and a package of Grandma's Cookies. I stopped at Culver's and got a cheeseburger and fries and drove home. 

I am extremely grateful that I no longer have to printout directions on MapQuest and hope that I don't get lost. Being able to open the app on my phone with a Map has really given me the comfort to get out and explore. That's how I found the beach in St. Joe, Michigan. That's how I found this amazing little town called Long Beach, Indiana. 

During my conversation with my dad, he mentioned going to the beach with me. I told him I have been wanting to take him but he doesn't do the sun or heat. He said after working in a warehouse all of those years, he hates being hot, but he would make do. I told him I had an umbrella. We made plans to go to the beach the following weekend. Honestly, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was in the 80's, sunny, and no humidity. 

That Saturday, I drove over to my dad's and picked up him and my step-mom. We stopped and got breakfast sandwiches. Before we even pulled away from the window, my dad spilled his coffee on himself. He was insistent that we were not going back to his house (5 mins away) so he could change. Since I was driving, we went back to his house. We wiped the center console down in my car, he changed his shirt, and we pulled out of the driveway. He then realized he forgot his sunglasses. I backed up down the street and into his driveway. He gets back into the car and says, "you're still in reverse." I said, "I know. I wasn't sure if we'd have to back up again." He called me a smartass. 

We got to the beach and got our chairs and umbrella situated. We took a nice walk down to the lighthouse and back. My step-mom and I were talking about my little outburst on the 4th. I told her I like to stay in town for the 4th so I can watch the fireworks with my family. The day tends to be a little lonely though because I am home all day until we go get dinner. I told her maybe next year, I would plan to be at the beach and stay at the B&B. She said that we have such high expectations for our birthday which typically leads to us being disappointed. She said she plans what she wants to do for her birthday. It's her day. She even scheduled a surgery on her birthday once. I get what she's saying. I have even wrote a blog before about expectations. I don't fault anyone for my expectations nor am I mad at anyone. I am simply disappointed in my situation.  

We were at the beach for about 3-3.5 hours. We then went to my favorite restaurant and had dinner. We left there and I drove by the B&B I stay at and then drove through one of the neighborhoods with huge houses that overlook Lake Michigan. I showed my dad where I had my picnic.  We got back into town around 7:30 I believe. It really was a good day. 

Five months ago I had my disc replacement. 0/10 improvement. About a month ago, I had a MRI of my neck. I hadn't had one since December 2021 (before surgery). My surgeon sat in front of me and told me I need another surgery. I had my C5-6 disc replaced. He's now saying I need my C6-7 replaced. According to him, that disc must have gotten worse from when I had the MRI in December 2021 until I had surgery in March 2022. He said, so what do you want to do? I just sat there and cried. First of all, I can't make a decision like that in a split second. Second, this is a lot of information for me to absorb. I didn't say much to him. I told him I needed to think about it. 

I texted my mom and sister and told them what he said. I didn't text my dad because I knew he'd want an answer as to what my plan was going to be. I got to work and told my boss. While we didn't think it was malpractice, we definitely agreed that I needed to get a second opinion. Now the question was from who? He suggested I reach out to an attorney in Indianapolis for a recommendation on a second opinion. It took me a few days to reach out. In the meantime, I just couldn't think about it. I'm a fixer. I'm not a procrastinator. If something is wrong or needs to get done, I figure it out by asking for advice or asking for help. No one can tell me what I should do. Even the doctors. It's a decision I have to make. Mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. I needed a few days or a couple of weeks. 

I got the recommendation and reached out to the doctor in Indianapolis. I wasn't sure if I could get an appointment without a referral. The woman I spoke to was so nice. She got every bit of my information. She said typically the surgeons there don't see patients until a year after surgery because you're still healing. I explained that I was OK waiting the 6-12 months to see if my nerves would repair. But now he was suggesting a second surgery and I was looking for a second opinion. She said she would have all of my records requested by the end of the day. I didn't ask how long it would take to hear back because I anticipated a few weeks at least. I called my dad after that phone call and told him what was going on. My dad can't understand why I just needed some time to digest the fact that I may need a second surgery.

Just short of two weeks, I got a call back from the doctor's office in Indianapolis and he agreed to see me. That appointment is tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. 

I've made it up the beach 4 times this summer. I hope to get up there at least one more time. I am working on making some improvements around my house with much needed help from family. Still a lot I want to do. Checking off my list slowly. 

According to Google we're through the dog days of summer (July 3 - August 11). Lets enjoy the sun while it's still around! 

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! Hope everyone was able to enjoy time with family. Thought I would share this photo of me and my sister. I would guess I am 9-10 months old in this photo. 

I had my six-week follow-up with the surgeon on Friday. He said my x-rays look good. The bone spur I had is not showing signs of growing back. He said in 6-12 months, the scar where my incision is will be gone. He confirmed what the physical therapist said about nerves rejuvenating. He said they rejuvenate 1mm per day. He held up his index finger as an example and said to go from one said of his finger to the other would take roughly a week. He said the nerves will rejuvenate from my neck down. I asked if I would have had surgery two years ago, would I have had a better chance of immediate relief. He said there are no studies or literature that would answer that question. He suggested some medication to help with my pain. However, the two medications he suggested are terrible for your stomach (amongst other organs). I was taking one of the medications in the winter of 2020. While it did help my pain, it was affecting my stomach so I stopped taking it. The surgeon has referred me to pain management to see what other options I can explore. 

I have no restrictions now in what I can do and am able to return to work full-time. He said, I just have to listen to my body and know my own limits. While I have been working since surgery, I worked from home for the first few weeks. A couple of weeks, I went in a few days here and there. These last few weeks I have been working half days in the office and half days at home. 

Yesterday, I cleaned up some of the leaves outside my front door and vacuumed out my car. I did an order pickup at Target. I came home and made nachos for dinner. I cleaned up the kitchen and by then I was exhausted. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Today, I cleaned my shower which I knew wasn't a great idea. But, it needed done. After showering, I ended up taking some of my nerve medication because my arms were hurting. I was fighting not to fall asleep on the couch by 5:00. The exhaustion is not getting any better. I may reach out to my family doctor this week. 

I had my last physical therapy appointment on Thursday. Since it was not improving my pain at all, the surgeon said to continue my exercises at home. 

We will see how work goes this week. I just know that being in the office half days has been a lot for me. I am going to take some pillows with me tomorrow and see if I can set up a better support system for myself at my desk. 

I am really trying to hang in there. I simply am mentally and physical exhausted. I am frustrated with my pain. I am frustrated with my lack of strength and endurance. 

Hope everyone has a great week! 

Tired. Very tired.

There is not enough sleep to get me out of this state of exhaustion. It started last week and I cannot seem to shake it. 

Last week I went into the office everyday from 8 until 12 and then worked from home the rest of the afternoon. I'm going to stick to that same schedule this week. 

Sitting at my desk, causes stiffness in my neck and an increase in the numbness/tingling in my arms. I have had a few people ask me if I feel better working from home. The answer is yes. I am supported more when I am sitting and typing. 

I am coming up on six weeks since having surgery and I have had no change in my symptoms. I had physical therapy tonight. He does an assessment every two weeks to see if my strength and range of motion is improving. My strength is about the same. My grip strength is worse in my right arm than it was the last time. I see the surgeon on Friday so will wait and see what he has to say. 

I feel extremely defeated. I am 42yrs old and can't even do all the things I want to do around my house. I reached out to my nephew to see if he would be willing to come over and help clean up my yard. I'm going to see if he'll sweep out my garage and maybe help my dad trim back a tree and bush. 

Mostly everyone has stopped checking in and asking how I am doing. A girl at work today said, "why do you always look so serious?" Well, first of all, that's mostly my personality. Second, when you're in constant pain, it's hard to appear anything less than serious. I am sorry I don't fit the mold of what you think I should look like. I feel most people think I should be back to work full-time. I feel they think I am milking the situation. But, if you know me, you know I prefer to be in the office. In fact, we now have the option to work from home two days a week. Once I am back full-time, I do not plan on working from home. I need to be around people. Being isolated even more so by working from home, is not good for my mental health. 

I am sure the exhaustion is a combination of mental and physical. It's exhausting always being in pain and always trying to stay strong for myself. 

In other news, my lighthouse tattoo that was started in November is now finished. I love it! 

Milestones

I have not had any relief from the numbness and tingling in my arms since surgery. With that being said, my physical therapist has encouraged me to celebrate every milestone. 

Last Friday, I finally drove farther than the minute it takes me to get to physical therapy. I drove to my sister's for dinner. I felt more comfortable with moving my head from left to right. I still have discomfort while driving, which I had before surgery. 

I planned on going into work for a few hours on Tuesday. Unfortunately, after showering, doing my hair and makeup, I was exhausted and decided to work from home. I got up this morning and showered, did my hair and makeup, and felt good about going into work for a few hours. I spent a lot of time catching up with everyone. Talking became uncomfortable and my throat got sore since I am still healing.  I had to review some documents so I tried to hold them up at eye level instead of looking down. The short amount of time I did look down, it definitely caused neck pain and increased the numbness and tingling in my arms. I was trying to convince myself I was not as physically exhausted as I was but I knew I needed to leave and come home. I left at lunchtime, came home, took some medicine, and got the heating pad out. 

I will celebrate that I am able to drive and I went into work today. Another milestone is that I am able to lay down a bit more when sleeping. I don't have the pillows piled up as high so that I am sleeping in a sitting position. I had physical therapy on Monday and it was time to do a re-evaluation. My strength has improved in my arms since surgery.

The physical therapist also explained to me that nerves regenerate 1mm per day (roughly the same as your fingernails). He said I know you won't want to hear this, but it could be 12 months before I know how effective the surgery was. I told him, I am fine with that. I said, if you told me I had zero chance of improvement, then I would be upset. 

I found this illustration online. It perfectly depicts where I experience the numbness and tingling in my arms.

I'm not sure I'll go into work tomorrow. I will see how I feel when I wake up. If I don't go into work, I am OK with that. I made it today. It's the little steps. 

Not Great

I woke up yesterday feeling both mentally and physically tired. I felt down. As the day went on, the numbness and tingling in both arms increased to 10/10. It's been a while since I have had a flair-up that bad. 

The utility company in my area has had a tree service out everyday cutting back trees close to the power lines. Yesterday, they were in my backyard cutting back trees. At lunchtime, I went outside to pick up some sticks in my yard. I noticed that the tree company had left some bigger sticks in the stack I had already started next to my fire pit. No biggie. I'll use them. I worked on breaking up some of the sticks to throw in the fire pit. I walked around to the front of my house and noticed the leaves that need cleaned up out of the mulch. I just know I can't do it. Or, at least without aggravating my numbness and tingling. 

I went to physical therapy and he started with massaging my shoulders and "flossing" the nerves. I worked with a resistance band. He then had me stand with my back against the wall with my arms down to my sides, and told me to push my arms back towards the wall. I couldn't do it which triggered me and I started crying. He said I wouldn't want to hear this, but that it could take up to twelve months before I start to notice any change. He encouraged me to celebrate even the smallest improvements. Honestly, hearing it could take that long didn't upset me. What would upset me is if someone said I would never have relief. 

When I laid down to go to sleep last night, I started crying. I hurt so bad and felt so defeated. 

Today, when I woke up, I was making my bed and started crying again. I am very emotional these past few days. I can hear my dad, "Are you going to start your period?" No. No, I am not. 

I know all of this emotion is coming from being in pain and not sleeping great. I am so limited in what I can do because I don't have much strength in my arms and I get tired quickly. The first week I was home, I had a lot of visitors. I made sure I would so that I wouldn't go crazy being alone. Probably should have lined up some visitors last week and this week. I know everyone is busy with their own lives and weekends are short enough without trying to carve out time to come hang with me. 

Even though I am optimistic about my recovery, I am simply having some bad days. And, that's OK. Tomorrow is a new day! 

Two Weeks Post-Op

I carry two pillows from my bed to the couch and back every morning and night. Those two pillows are positioned around two other pillows to support my head and arms. My range of motion is good looking left and right. Looking up and down is a bit more challenging. I make sure my head is positioned so that I am not looking down at the laptop while I work eight hours from the couch. It's the new norm for me but I know it won't last forever. 

I continue to do things around the house (i.e. dusting, mopping, vacuuming, laundry). When vacuuming, I used only my right arm and took small steps so that I was not extending my arm in and out at length. I am not lifting anything such as the trash, cat litter, or my 13lb cat, Amelya. 

The sutures on my incision all came off last Sunday. I am still having difficulty taking large bites or big gulps. I did a few calls with my boss and clients this week and when I was done, I felt like my incision/throat was swollen. I have started putting tiny drops of Vitamin E Oil around the incision and some Palmer's Coconut Body Lotion. 

I am still having numbness/tingling down into both arms. The doctor did say some people have immediate relief when waking up from surgery. I didn't have any expectation that would be the case for me. My nerves have been impinged for three years. I expect that it'll take some time. 

I started physical therapy on Monday. Once you get out of my neighborhood by taking two turns, you cross a main road and the therapy place is right there. I felt comfortable enough to drive there (otherwise I have not driven since before the surgery). It was nerve wrecking driving there but thankfully it's not far. I had to fill out initial paperwork which was very difficult for me. I already write like a five-year-old and even before surgery, it would take a lot of concentration and effort to write. Trying to fill out paperwork when you are hurting and can't look down is not fun. I got myself pretty worked up. The physical therapist started asking me questions about my history and how I was doing and I started crying. I knew I just had myself worked up from driving, filling out paperwork, and being somewhere I've never been before. Oh, and the lack of sleep. I haven't slept a whole night since surgery. He gave me three stretches to do while there and to do from home (which I have done everyday). I went back yesterday and he explained that you have nerves from your neck down into your arm. He said essentially you "floss" the nerves. He did some "flossing" with both arms. He then started massaging and putting pressure on this specific spot on my back; it's underneath my left shoulder blade. He was really moving things around. All of a sudden, it felt like a breeze washed over my left arm. It didn't last long after he stopped but my left arm felt lighter. 

Does it feel better? Does it feel different? Seems like simple questions to answer, right? My body is so accustomed to being in pain that for me, it's not a simple answer. I really try to differentiate between pre-surgery pain and post-surgery pain so I am not quick to answer. If anything, I just say "I don't know." 

I spoke with the physical therapist about my returning to work. I know he's not the surgeon, but wanted his thoughts. While I don't want to overdo it, I also don't want to nurse my symptoms by not being active or working. He said if he were in my situation and went into work, he would get so involved that next thing you know four hours has passed and you realize you're hurting. I told him that's EXACTLY my fear. I know me....I'll plan on going to work for two to three hours and next thing I know I'll have worked a full eight hour day. The next day will then be spent recuperating. I will take take one step forward and two steps back. He ended by saying that he thinks it's premature for me to return to work. While I knew that myself, I needed to talk it out. I am definitely a homebody, but this isn't me not wanting to go into work. I like being around my friends at work. I like doing my hair and makeup and putting real clothes and heels on. I am going to continue to listen to my body. That's all I can do.  

First Follow-Up Appointment

Wednesday and Thursday the numbness and tingling in both of my arms increased significantly. The doctor had said that some people have immediate relief after surgery. I did not anticipate that would be the case for me. Why? Because I have been dealing with nerve pain for almost three years. I was hopeful, but did not anticipate that it would resolve immediately. 

Last night I could not fall asleep thinking about my appointment today. I woke up today with high anxiety. It was a combination of not knowing what the doctor would say about my pain and the possibility of having to go back to work Monday. I know I'm not ready to go back to work. If I were to go back to work, I would overdue it which would prolong the healing process. I thought perhaps I could go back a half day and then work from home the other half. I am definitely worried about work and not being there. I have kept up on emails and my assistant has been scanning any mail coming in. I can also check my voice mails from home. Since we worked from home at the start of Covid, I know I can still be productive. 

First thing first when getting to the doctor's today, was to get new x-rays. The doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I said I have zero improvement since surgery. He said, that was OK and that it would take time. He said, we cleaned out everything we went in. I said well you mentioned some people have immediate relief. He reiterated to give it time. He said my x-rays look good. He did some strengthening tests and tested my reflexes (upper & lower extremities). He said it's time to start physical therapy. He kept me off work until my next appointment which is four weeks away. I told him I did not anticipate wanting to stay home that long. He said, that was fine. If I felt I could return to work, to just let him know and he would change the work order. He wants me to get some physical therapy in too before I start driving. He started me on a steroid to help with inflammation. I can also ice the front of my neck/chest and use heat for my shoulders to help decrease inflammation. He also mentioned having a giant glass of cold water with me at all times. I'm a water drinker anyways and carry an insulated cup with me every where I go, but I definitely need to be better at drinking more.

Guess it's just me and the cats for another week. They definitely keep it entertaining around here. I swear one comes out to visit me and then goes back to the bedroom and the other comes out. Almost as if they are in shifts. Here's Amelya watching me work the other day. 

I definitely would not have been able to get through this and continue to get through this without my mom and dad. They both were there for my surgery and both came to my appointment today. My mom picked me up and took me to Target last Sunday. My dad has picked up my prescriptions, got me more coffee creamer, changed my furnace filter, and filled the litter boxes. 

Thank you to everyone else who has helped out and visited! 

My work husband and his partner came over Monday night and hung out with me for about 1.5 hours. They brought me Pizza King breadsticks too. Yum! He also took the trash out for me. 

My niece brought me Salsa Grille on Tuesday.

Wednesday, one of my good friends from work came over and hung out with me for about 2 hours. She brought me stuffed peppers which are my favorite that she makes. 

My best friend in California had Cookie Cottage cookies delivered to me last Friday. I've never been so happy to see a delivery man at my front door. 

Her and her husband use those neck pillows a lot that you see people primarily using on airplanes. I texted her after my surgery and asked if she could bring me one (she lives in California). On Friday, Amazon drops a package off at my door. She had sent me a neck pillow. It has helped so much too!

I've gotten flowers. 

A friend from work put together a little goodie bag for me before I left for surgery. I did the face mask yesterday and have used the Cow water bottle. How cute is that, right? I love it. 

Thank you to my sister for taking that horrendous tube out of my throat. Today after my appointment, I texted her and said that the doctor wants me to drink a ton of water. I said, I feel like that calls for a new fun cup. Starbucks has a bunch of new colors out for spring and shockingly, I do not own any Starbucks cups. I'm not one of those girls who hoards cups. She didn't flinch at the thought of going to the Starbucks in Target and also picking me up a few things. Here's my new 20oz. cup. It's this really cool green color with yellow inside. 

I'm definitely blessed to have good friends and family. 

I was going to start talking about the trial I am in, but think I'll save that for another day. 

TGIF! 

Post-Op Days 1 - 4

I did not know what to expect with a disc replacement. I did my research on the two possible discs I would be receiving. I wasn't really interested in reading testimonials simply because everyone is different. I see that at work everyday with the medical records I read. 

When I woke up from surgery, I had zero pain. One might say that's because of the good drugs. While I do not disagree, I have yet to have any pain. I do have discomfort where my incision is and stiffness in my shoulders and neck. 

For the first couple of days after surgery (Friday & Saturday), I was extremely restless. I think it was because of the anesthesia. I couldn't sit still. You would have thought I would have been exhausted not sleeping at all Thursday night, but I wasn't.

The doctor advised that I could take the drain tube out on Friday so long as the drainage was not above a certain level. I didn't have any pain with the drain tube. I couldn't even feel it in my skin. I was more so bothered by it dangling down between my chest and all of the tape on my neck. I was insistent that one of my sisters remove the tube. One of them came over on Friday. She started removing all of the tape. In my mind, this tube was right at the top of my skin. Thank God, I didn't know any better until after it was over. My sister put one hand on the skin and the other on the tube and told me to take a deep breath. As I let it out the deep breath, she pulled the tube out. 

As soon as she started pulling, I could feel it coming out. It was roughly 3-4inches down into my skin. I couldn't believe it. I definitely started tearing up. To be honest, that's been the worst part of all of this. 

Here's the drain tube with the ball at the end. It never got very full.

This white plastic piece is what was down in my skin.

Friday night I got a good night sleep. I think I woke up once to roll over. I have been sleeping with four pillows stacked up and a pillow on each side of me.

Saturday, I felt sore all over. I felt achy like when you have the flu. I took two naps on Saturday. I was still restless. 

Sunday, I was able to shower. I was definitely sore after that. I asked my mom to come pick me up and get me out of the house. We went to Target. My soreness did get worse from looking around and just being up and around. I was ready to come home. I took a muscle relaxer and then a nap. 

Sunday and now today, the numbness and tingling has been really bad in my arms and neck. I am trying to not think too much into it, but it's hard not to wonder if I'll get the relief we all hoped for. 

I follow-up with the doctor on Friday so we'll see what he has to say. 

Surgery

I got to the hospital shortly before 8:45 a.m. on Thursday. After checking in, I was taken back to pre-op where I changed into a gown. They put these things around my both legs so that during surgery they would massage my legs to help prevent blood clots. A nurse (Nurse A) came in and started asking me questions. She mentioned back surgery. I corrected her and said that I was having neck surgery. After having received pre-op paperwork in the mail with the lumbar spine highlighted (instead of cervical spine), you can understand my need to correct her. Another nurse (Nurse B) came in to start my IV. She asked Nurse A what procedure I was having and if it was an ACDF (Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion). Jokingly, I said, "I'm going to need you guys to figure out what I am having done today." Nurse B apologized for throwing around medical terms. I said "Oh, I know what ACDF stands for." They both kind of laughed, and Nurse A told Nurse B that I had showed her my pre-op paperwork where the lumbar spine was highlighted. 

While Nurse B was getting my IV set up, the Anesthesiologist came in. He had quite a few questions about my medical history. He explained that once I was put under, he would insert a breathing tube. He explained that he ensures when I wake up, I am not nauseous. He said he's in the surgery room with me the whole time. He was really nice. I liked him. 

Nurse A stopped the Anesthesiologist on his way out and they got to talking. She was asking him questions about his degree and whether she should call him doctor. I recall her asking him something about either his degree or program he was in being grandfathered. They talked for quite a while. I tried to ask Nurse A if she would get my mom, but she couldn't hear me. The nurses sitting out at the nurses station were so loud from the moment I got there. Just non-stop chatter and not work chatter. Finally, Nurse A heard me and she went and got my mom. My mom hung out for a bit and then my dad came back. 

I am not sure if this lady was a nurse or not, but she came into my room and was playing with the machine that connects to my IV. She was talking about how it didn't work. She was really ditzy. She unhooked the machine from the pole and took it out to the nurses station. She came back and was saying it was working. She never talked to me, she was talking to the other nurses at the station. Shortly after that another lady came in and took the machine off the pole again. She exchanged it with a new one. As she walked out, the ditzy girl told her she had already looked at it and fixed it. The woman who had just replaced it said it wasn't on and she didn't know it was already looked at. Apparently, ditzy girl, didn't tell anyone nor did she turn the machine on. 

At this point, I had texted both of my sisters telling them this hospital was a mess and definitely not a well-oiled machine like another hospital in my city. At one point all of the nurses at the nurses station were going on and on about lunch. My dad not knowing I had already texted my sisters about the chatter says, "You wouldn't be hearing any of this at [insert other hospital's name]." 

My doctor had been at another hospital in the morning and was running late. Since the curtain to my room was only half shut, I could hear and see the nurses out in the hallway. I heard whispers saying "he's here." "Shh." And, walks in my doctor. Suddenly the nurses station got real quiet. I couldn't believe it. 

Doctor came in and asked me a few questions. He marked on my neck and then said he likes to pray with his patients. He said a prayer as his hand was on my shoulder. I really liked that he did that. 

I was wheeled back to the surgery room. It's a big room that is as white as snow and to be honest as cold as being out in the snow. They wheeled me up next to another bed. In my mind they were going to pick me up by the sheets and move me like you see on TV. Nope. They put warm blankets on me and started sticking stuff to my back. I remember telling one of the nurses that I could never do what they do. They told me to lay down and the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery. I know the one nurse said something about giving me something to ease my nerves. Didn't realize that was going to instantly knock me out. 

I woke up in recovery and recall the nurse talking to me and trying to get me to roll over so she could do something. I told her I couldn't and she said yes, you can. 

I was wheeled back to my room and the nurse rambled off a bunch of drinks and snacks I could have. I asked for coffee and Chips Ahoy cookies. 

My mom came back and said it had taken forever. I think it was around 3:00 when she came back. I would guess over three hours my parents waited. 

After I had my coffee and snack, I was wheeled back to get x-rays. While waiting for my doctor to review them, I was told I needed different x-rays for the trial. They drape something over your neck and put markers on the board you stand in front of during the x-rays. After the second set of x-rays, my doctor came in and I asked him if I was in the study and he said, yes. That's great news! 

I left the hospital around 5:30. My parents got me home and situated. I took my prescriptions and laid down in bed. I wasn't allowed to take my normal medication to help me sleep because it could interact with the anesthesia. Between that and just not being able to get comfortable, I think I slept maybe an hour Thursday night. 

I was sent home with a drain tube coming from my neck. I was allowed to take it out the next day as long as the drainage stayed below a certain amount. I woke up Thursday night around 2:00 and saw that the tube itself looked backed up. I tried to get it to drain down into the ball but it wouldn't. I woke my dad up to make sure it was OK. While he was looking at it, I was watching the blood move around and got extremely nauseous. I sat down on the toilet and then threw up in the trash can. 

I finally gave up on sleeping around 5:00 a.m. Friday morning. I came out to the living room and watched TV.

Here's a few pictures from the hospital. I'll write more later on how I have been doing. 

Nurse B wrapped the shit out of my IV.

Kudos to whoever drew the Smurfs. My favorite cartoon as a kid.

Post-Surgery

A little of this and a whole lot of that

Five days. That's how many until my surgery. When my surgery was scheduled a month ago (canceled due to snow), I didn't feel any type of way about it. I was more so looking forward to it. Now, for whatever reason, I am freaking out. I felt more prepared a month ago at work. 

Work is a tornado just waiting to touch down before we can start to clean up. We hired a girl who lasted seven days. Now we have another girl leaving who does the same thing I do. She has been there for years too. It's a lot for the rest of us. As the saying goes, "it is what it is." I can't push my surgery out just because it's not a good time. It's never going to be a good time. 

When COVID hit, so many employers made it possible for their employees to work from home. As it turns out, a lot of employers/employees found they could just as easily work from home. When it was time to return to the office, employees fought to continue to work from home. It saved on gas and for some, hours of commuting. For some, it helped with anxiety and depression. For others, it made their anxiety and depression worse. You see a lot of employers now advertising with options to work remotely.

At my job, we worked from home for two months. Being the homebody I am, I thought this would be a dream come true. Turns out, it wasn't. Being alone more than what I already am was not a good thing for me. It became so easy to stay home in solitude that when I did go out, it was extremely overwhelming.

I am going somewhere with this...I promise. 

The job market is terrible right now where I live and, perhaps, all over. The responses we are getting from our job ads are horrendous. It's a combination of people just applying for any job so they can report it to unemployment; and, people who just need any job they can find. I have looked at resumes to help in the hiring process. Most of the resumes I have seen, I don't even get past the introduction. Mainly because the resumes are too busy or, despite the qualifications required in our ads, I am not seeing anyone who can fulfill those qualifications. The next hurdle is getting someone who dresses appropriately for an interview. One interviewee we had, showed up in leggings, tennis shoes, and I believe a zip-up hoodie. Her hair didn't appear to have been brushed and it was hot pink. 

I am definitely old school when it comes to showing up for an interview. I want to see a folder with extra copies of your resume and references. I want to see appropriate attire and manners. I have eight piercings in my ears and an almost completed tattoo sleeve. Most of the people I work with have tattoos and some have their nose pierced. When you are trying to get a job in a professional office, present yourself accordingly.

We had a meeting on Friday at work and it was discussed that some changes could be made in the future. i.e. the option to work from home (not just during a pandemic). It is also my understanding there have been negotiations in order to keep employees. So, I ask this. Where do employers draw that fine line? As I mentioned, the job market is terrible and is evident by the resumes I have seen. Do you accommodate your employees in order to keep them? If so, how far do you go? Or, do you continue business as usual and lose those employees? For instance, I had a discussion with a co-worker last week about the benefits we are provided. A single co-worker, such as myself, with no dependents, has free health insurance. You get two weeks of vacation until you've worked five calendar years and then you move to three weeks. We can make up time if we're going to a doctors appointment, etc. so that we do not have to use our vacation. We get major holidays off. Bonuses are not promised, but typically happen at the end of the year. There is no 401K. My argument was that if you are not happy with the benefits we do have, then leave. His argument is that the times are changing and other employers are advertising benefits we do not have. If they want to keep us, they will need to make some changes. 

I see both sides of the argument. I just am more of the mindset that if I am taking care of myself with the benefits given to me and I am happy, who cares what others are getting? If there comes a time when that all changes, I will look elsewhere. I understand negotiating pay and time off work. I don't understand the rest. 

Curious what others think of this, especially employers. 

When it comes to any type of relationship (friendship or romantic), is it reasonable to expect, want, or need reassurance? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When I look at the words, expect, want, or need, I think I answered my own question. I don't expect or want reassurance from any relationship in my life. I only need it when the relationship is giving me doubt. Never mind. I answered my own question. 

Three Day Weekend

Typically, my work does not close on President's Day but with all of the changes we have had, the boss decided to give us the day off. I knew I couldn't sit at home for three days and with it being winter, there are slim pickings. A one-day road trip sounded like a good idea. My first choices are always going to be Chicago or Michigan. I didn't want to drive the three hours to Chicago and spend an ungodly amount for parking. I thought about going to the outlet mall in Michigan City and taking a detour to St. Joe Michigan to eat at my favorite brewery. Simplicity was what I was looking for. I wanted to be back in time to watch the NBA All-Star activities too. I decided to go to Indianapolis and walk around the mall and go to some stores we don't have here. 

Saturday, I got up and just putzed around the house. I figured I'd leave around 11:30. From the time I woke up until I left, I had an internal argument going on in my head about whether I should go. I do this every time I plan on going out of town by myself. Even the Saturdays when I am going to the beach which is literally my favorite place. It starts with, "Just stay home. You don't need to go anywhere." "What if I get into a car accident?" "I should probably invite someone to go with me." (i.e. mom, nieces, sister) "I should probably tell my parents I am going." "No, they'll see it on Find Friends and just text me and ask me what I am doing." (Or, in this instance, your sister will text you.) "I need to make sure I am back at a good time." (Um, why?) "Your anxiety can't handle this." "Ok. I showered. That's a start." "Your hair and makeup are done so we're doing this." 

Shit is exhausting. 

I will say that 20 years ago I would have never thought about going on a road trip by myself. Mainly, because there was a 50/50 chance the MapQuest directions that you printed would get you to where you wanted to go. I am extremely grateful for being able to take these roadtrips in a reliable car and for navigation. 

I grabbed some snacks, made coffee, and turned on some Biggie and Tupac and headed to Indianapolis. I walked around the Castleton mall and then stopped at Nordstrom Rack which I had never been to. I thought about going into The Container Store but I figured that could be dangerous for me. It's a dream store for anyone who likes to organize. I thought about coming home until I realized The Fashion Mall was just down the street. It has a Saks which I had never been to. I had this perception that when I walked into Saks, I would be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman walking into stores on Rodeo Drive. I was wrong. The store was kind of dirty and did not have a lot of merchandise. The smell of weed when I walked in was so overpowering. Do people know they smell? I always wonder. The entrance I went into had shoes and designer bags. I will admit that seeing the Gucci, Chloe, and Saint Laurent bags was pretty cool. I walked over to the shoes and saw the wall with the Louboutin shoes. I have never seen a pair in person. In my mind, an alarm was going to go off when I got close to them. I imagined one of the sales associates coming up to me and telling me not to touch them. These shoes are famously known as "red bottoms" and typically start around $650. And, yes, I want a pair (size 7.5 wink wink). 

I walked through a few other stores in The Fashion Mall but quickly had an overwhelming feeling to get back to my car. There were a lot of people, not a lot of stores, and nothing that peeked my interest. I might have liked walking through Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn, but I was getting tired and my anxiety was running the show. I was down there for about 4-4.5 hours. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular and I didn't buy anything. It was just more so going into stores that we don't have here.

I have never been a fan of Indianapolis. It doesn't bring me joy like Chicago and Michigan. Indianapolis to me is where Joey had his transplant and where he passed away. I definitely did my fair share of clubbing with college girlfriends in Broadripple. Those nights typically turned into my babysitting my friends and being DD. I won't say we didn't have fun. We did. But I have happier memories of clubbing in Fort Wayne. I can drive through the city of Chicago and not get lost. If I drive through Indianapolis to get downtown, I always get lost (even with navigation). The traffic is horrendous too. 

I'll take the day as a win for getting out of the house alone and going somewhere out of my comfort zone. 

My surgery is 10-days away. For whatever reason, I feel nervous this time. Before it was canceled due to the snow, I didn't really feel anyway about it. I am ready to get the feeling back into my arms and not hurt. 

Snowmageddon 2022

The midwest has not had much snow this year. The predictions started coming in last week that we would get hit with a lot of snow this week. Tuesday, around 2:30 p.m., the County decided to close on Wednesday due to the impending snow. My office then followed suit and notified us that we too, would be closed on Wednesday. I had to finish up everything I had planned to do on Wednesday at work before being off for surgery. That was a success! I actually thought I'd be working late. 

Yesterday evening, I got a call from a local number. I answered only because I wasn't sure if someone I knew had gotten stuck in the snow or in an accident and was using a different phone. It was some guy wanting to know if I wanted to sell my house. Anyone else getting these calls or texts? I get text messages all the time asking what my plans are with my house. Got one today in fact. How the hell do they get my cell phone number? My phone rang again at about 7:20 p.m. I didn't answer it because I figured it was someone else calling about buying my house. Voice mail notification went off. It was the hospital calling to tell me my surgery for today was canceled because the county I live in went under a warning travel advisory. Meaning that only emergency personnel on the roads.

So much preparation went into my surgery. I had to have labs done which I'll probably have to redo for the anesthesiologist. Notifying everyone at work that I would be off including co-workers, opposing counsel, and most importantly clients. I sent me legal assistant a very detailed email with the status on cases and what I needed her to help with while I was out. Had to check-in with my boss to make sure he had what he needed. I just wanted to make sure I did everything I could to make it easier for others while I would be out. 

Yesterday, I spent the day cleaning bathrooms, mopping, washed all of my bedding, and other odds and ends things around the house. Earlier in the week, I made sure I stocked up on stuff I would need at home like cat food, coffee creamer (most important), and prescriptions. I coordinated with family who would take me to the hospital. I was having one of my nieces stay with me the first night. My dad made me the biggest batch of potato soup. A girl at work made me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Both of which I'll be freezing for when I do have surgery. 

Most importantly throughout all of this prepping, was my mental state. I wanted to get this done so I could feel better and not be in pain. 

The county was still under a warning advisory for traveling until 3:00 p.m. today. The doctor's office should be back open tomorrow. If they don't reach out to me, I'll call and see how soon I can get the surgery rescheduled. Fingers crossed it's soon! I don't want to be healing when it's nice outside and wanting to be at the beach. 

I'm not sure how much snow we've gotten at this point. If I had to guess it is 8-10 inches. 

Picture of my backyard.

Relatable

A client called me yesterday to discuss her case. We went over the litigation process. I explained what happens after we file the lawsuit and that during the discovery phase, we will answer interrogatories and request for production of documents. I told her opposing counsel may want to take her deposition. I went over the bodily injury limits the Defendant has and the possibility of using her underinsured motorist limits on her policy. I explained that it was premature to evaluate the value of her case since we are still in the early stages of litigation. She said she was asking all of these questions regarding policy limits and the attorney fee because she will possibly have to have a second surgery and will need to hire an aid to come in and help her. She started to tear up and said that she didn't have any friends or family to help and then she said, "I don't have a boyfriend." My heart broke for her. She said, "I have no one." 

In the seconds before I responded, I was grateful that I do have friends and family who are going to be around to help next week after my surgery. I've also never related more to someone. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I miss the days where you could pick up the phone and make last minute plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner. Now, you have to wait until everyone checks their calendar and by the time a date matches up, it's two months later. 

What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am so sick and fucking tired of people thinking they understand what it is like for me to be alone all of the time. Actually, I don't even think people try to put themselves in my shoes. They just brush whatever I say under the rug. People don't know that on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. Screaming for help. Screaming for this  feeling to finally fucking end.