Loneliness

Friday night, I went to dinner and to the mall with my two older nieces. Afterwards, we were sitting at my house and Morgan asked me if I ever get scared staying home alone. She had stayed there a few nights while I was in California and that's why she was asking me. One of them proceeded to ask me if I ever get lonely and the other followed up saying they would get lonely being home alone all the time.

Last year I was having dinner with my friend April and her daughter before heading to see the final movie in The Hunger Games series. At dinner, April's daughter says that Katniss reminds her of me. She said, we looked a like and we both liked being by alone.

I realize this is the perception I give and thus what people see. Yes, I like my alone time and yes, I like living alone. Do I get lonely? Absolutely. But, not in the way that I need to be around people in general. I don't crave human interaction with just anyone. I can always go hang out with family. I crave the interaction with a man and not physical, but emotional.  I go through spurts where the feeling of loneliness is so consuming, exhausting, and close to debilitating. This past week has been one of those spurts. Being single is on my mind 24/7. I've heard and read all the quotes (so don't start preaching).  When you stop looking that's when it'll happen. It'll happen when it's supposed to. Blah blah blah. There are definitely times when I don't think about it at all. I can't tell you how grateful I am for those days/weeks/months. It's so refreshing.

Despite my tears and prayers, God obviously has a plan for me. I often question though if he's trying to send me a message that I'm just not picking up on. Maybe there's something he's trying to teach me and I just haven't learned yet.

I do wish I had more girlfriends to hang out with. I realize that it is probably my fault. It's hard for me to find a girlfriend that I truly enjoying hanging out with. A lot of times, if someone has a lot of drama going on in their life, I can't just let that be their drama. I allow it to become my drama and my problem. All of the girlfriends I do have, have kid(s) and boyfriends/husbands. During the school year, it's especially hard to hang out with my friends who have kids because their schedules are so full of homework and extracurricular activities.

Saturday, all I wanted to do was go to a bar, eat, and watch the Notre Dame game. So much so that I went to a local bar and did just that -- by myself. I watched the 2nd and 3rd quarter and ate a cheeseburger. Was it fun? Nope. Not at all. In fact, doing things alone only makes me feel lonelier.

I have realized over the past 4 months that I am open to dating guys that I didn't think I would be.