Raw Truth

The last time I felt like I had lost complete mental control was probably back in 2006-2007. I remember I had just came home from running errands and I had a case of some beverage sitting on my kitchen counter and I took my hand and just swiped it all to the floor. I sat on my toy box and just thought to myself "What the hell did I just do? Why am I feeling like this? This is NOT normal." Shortly after, I think is when I went to see a doctor. 

I have good days, bad days, and impossible days. I think for some people who don't experience depression and anxiety they think it's as easy as just telling yourself to be happy. That everyone has bad days, and you'll wake up the next day and start fresh. While that may be true for even me, most days are a constant struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, get dressed, and show up for the day. 

This week for me has been particularly rough. My boss and I had a little tiff at work. The others at work are a constant struggle every single day to just make it through without telling them all to shut the fuck up -- stop slamming doors, stop running, pick up your feet when you walk, stop slamming the copier lid down, stop arguing with me if i tell you I don't want to take a call, etc. Some days, the noise is so loud it takes all that I have to not lose it like a crazy person. 

This week I also had a meeting for a new opportunity. Well after another meeting today, I realize that opportunity just isn't going to work for me. 

Everyday I am lonely. I know you're thinking I have a great family and a few great friends. I haven't had a relationship in 10 years. Even when I think I might have met someone who isn't an obvious psychopath, and by that I mean someone who isn't married, or in a relationship, it only takes time before someone loses interest. Before someone doesn't have the same feelings as the other.

I also know what else you're thinking. I have a job (two actually), I have a house, a car, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, family, and friends. So, why do I wake up everyday unhappy? I can't answer that. I have been working on being grateful and mindful. I have really been working on giving everything to God. Like I said - some days aren't so bad. The past two days have been horrible. Mentally exhausting. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. I keep looking at my TV stand with the plant and owl and think about taking my hand and swiping it all onto the floor like I did back 2006-2007. The tears flow, but there's no relief. The tears stop and I'm numb. I watch TV to get my mind off everything. I clean. I go shopping. I sleep just for a moment of silence and peace.  

I keep thinking of Robin Williams. He was a successful actor. He had family and friends. But, inside he was clearly hurting. You just never know what someone is going through. Sometimes the pain is just too much.

It's hard to talk to other people about how I feel. If you don't have depression or experience anxiety, you just can't simply understand what it feels like. Yes, it sucks, but that's not an acceptable comment to say to someone who feels like I do.  You don't just shake it off. Despite trying to get your mind to shift focus on happy things, it's just not that simple. 

Right now, all I can do is pray that each moment feels better than the last and that God pulls me through this.