What has changed?

Today has been a really rough day. My chest has hurt all day from anxiety. If you've never had anxiety, I wish I had a good way of explaining how it feels, but I don't. 

I think it's from a mix of things going on at work and sometimes the loneliness gets to be too much. I went to a movie and to dinner with my niece tonight which was nice. Good distraction. 

As I sit here on the floor (seems to bring me comfort when I'm upset) praying for better mental health days, I remember back to when I was in middle school. I had the biggest crush on this guy. He knew I existed, but didn't want anything to do with me. My girlfriends and I used to go to his house though and have water balloon fights. But, I remember laying in bed praying for him to like me. I prayed every night like it was my last. To this day, when I pray, that memory always comes back to me. In the end, we never dated. 

At some point today, I remember thinking it would be nice to have someone to go get ice cream with. Then I had a flash back. I'd guess it was back anywhere between 2005 and 2008, I remember sitting at The Deck with a group of friends and I remember telling this girl, Meg, that all I wanted was someone to go get ice cream with. 

Now, here I am, and it's 2015 and I'm praying God takes this loneliness away and gives me someone to go get ice cream with. In all these years, what has changed? How have I changed? Yes, I have a different job, different car, a house, but what has changed within me? Nothing. 

There's not anything I really regret. I don't believe in regrets really. But, I'm afraid I'm going to look back at my life when I'm old(er) and wish I had done things differently. Regret not being in a happier place.