My Inner Bernadine

If you've ever seen Waiting to Exhale, then you know exactly who Bernadine is.  Her character was played by Angela Bassett who finds out her husband had been cheating and is now leaving her.  Well, she takes all of his stuff and puts it outside and lights it on fire.  While I'm not sure I got cheated on and I didn't have any of his belongings to burn, I did have the poem he wrote me.

I think my last update about this boy in particular ended last week.  He came over on Wednesday and we had a nice talk.  I didn't see him Thursday.  Friday, I woke up in the best mood.  I'm thinking to myself, it's Friday.  We're doing good.  I am going to have a date with my man.  All is good.  

Don't you hate when conversations or scenarios that you play out in your mind don't go the way you had hoped?  I finally heard from him when I was getting off of work.  Long story short, he calls at 10:30 p.m. saying he's on his way over.  Um, I'm half asleep and no I don't want to eat dinner at 10:30 at night.  While I was to acknowledge (if that's the right word) his "schedule," he clearly didn't acknowledge mine, and that I had been up since 6:30 a.m.  I told him I was half asleep, and he says, "well I'm not tired and I don't want to sit there and twiddle my thumbs while you sleep."  I said, "well I've been twiddling mine since I got off of work.  So, I'm going to sleep." And, I hung up.  

Saturday rolls around and I don't hear from him all day.  After shopping with my mom, I decide that I'm tired of waiting and I just go over to his house.  It didn't go well.  I'm impatient and pushy (his words).  So, I left.  He texted me and said, he was sorry and there was more to it, but he didn't want to talk about it.  I called him and he got mad and hung up.  Again, love that he always hangs up on me.  I texted him and said, "fuck you!"  And, that he wasn't who I thought he was.  Blah blah...he put "wow."  Sunday night I did text him because I was hurting.  He responded Monday.  Tuesday, he texted me good morning and I responded.  

Yesterday, I decided to see if he really did or did not have a FB page.  He had told me before he did not . Well, I type in his name, and there's a FB page.  Granted it had no activity since 2011.  But, his status was "engaged" and there were some comments between him and this girl about how much they loved each other, etc.  Well, at one point, she called him psycho and said she was blocking him.  

Last night I texted him and asked if he was married.  

Boy: "What? No I'm not what are you talking about" 

Me: "I saw a FB page of yours and it said you're engaged.  So, just asking.  Some of the comments were in 2011.  You said you'd been single for 4 yrs...So, I wondered..." 

Boy: "Thats not my Facebook page, thats something someone I was talking to way back in 2006 created I had nothing to do with that" 

Me: "Ok." 

Boy: "What are you doing?  Why do you keep looking up stuff, I thought I had made a mistake with, now I'm starting to feel it was for the best, I don't like that at all." (P.S. I had told him I tried Googling his music company's website.  That's why he said "why do you keep looking up stuff.")

Me: "Because it absolutely blows my mind what happened.  I feel like there should be some obvious answer.  But it is what it is." 

Boy: "Yeah whatever that means" 

Me: "I feel everything was perfect for like a week and then it changed over night.  It's hard for me to wrap my mind around that.  That's all.  But, like you said...it's for the best."

Boy: "Whatever you say"

I went back last night from the start of our text messages and it's truly amazing how quick his tone changed with me.  At first it was all smiley faces and "baby" this and "baby" that.  

He can say I'm pushy and impatient because it's true.  HOWEVER, I'm only pushy and impatient with him because he makes me that way.  Men want to say women are crazy.  And, in some instances, I'm sure that may be the case.  But, you make us crazy too.  I wouldn't have to blow up your phone with calls and text messages worrying where you're at or why you're not answering me, if you'd just answer.  OR, tell me that you're just not into me anymore.  And, I wouldn't have to stop at your house unexpected if again, you'd answer me OR, tell me that you're just not into me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything when I tried to find a website for his business.  I was intrigued.  AND, I wouldn't have looked to see if you were on FB if I didn't have a reason to want to find out why you just went bat-shit crazy overnight. 

Now with all of that being said.  A real honest man wouldn't push me to have to Google shit about him. And, if I did Google him he wouldn't be bothered by it because he'd know I wasn't going to find anything.  I know that.  I'm not stupid.  

I know I'll let it go eventually, but it's just so hard for me to wrap my mind around how amazing he was and then how he just changed overnight.  It makes me sad and it breaks my heart.  

I do feel like I won't hear from him anymore now.  And, that's sort of a relief.  I won't be checking my phone every five seconds.