Still Trying To Figure It All Out

After yet another failed attempt at a relationship with a boy, I'm left with all sorts of questions, thoughts, and emotions. Boy did I really like him. It's amazing the feelings you can develop over just a week. Especially, when you spend so much time together. As always, I don't know what happened. And, I probably never will. I've learned over the years that you can sit back and analyze every single word and every single detail, and you may still never get the answers you're looking for.  People just aren't what you perceive them to be sometimes.

 I always read these quotes about how if you're not happy with yourself, then you won't be happy with someone. I have no doubt that is true. During dinner last night with a girlfriend, I asked her if there was anything she wasn't saying. Like, something I'm not seeing in myself in my attempt at finding a relationship. She said, no. She said exactly what those quotes say. I, myself, have to find happiness. That has been my number one struggle for as long as I can remember. What will make me happy? What does make me happy? I told her that I'm not longing to have children. I'm not longing to own a house. Career wise, I wish I was making more money and, of course, had health insurance. I like my job though and I have a great boss. So, what makes me happy? I do love being home, reading, watching my TV shows, being with my family, and doing dinner with my girlfriends. I am longing for that one person though. I miss having all that goes along with having a relationship.

Everyone says God has a plan for us. That we just have to trust God and believe he will take care of us. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. Sometimes, and more so lately, I feel like we believe in God to give us some sort of hope. To give us some sort of comfort in knowing that everything will work out. It's kind of like when something shitty happens, people say, "everything happens for a reason." It's a way of saying that something shitty did happen and no one knows why. What I do know is that I'm sad, lonely, and tired of hurting.