Angry

Angry. I don't know any other adjective to describe my mood lately. My mind feels very scattered and simply unhealthy. I am sure that sounds odd to say my mind feels unhealthy. I started feeling this way on Sunday and it hit me really hard on Monday. I was telling my friends at work how I just don't feel like myself. First response was that a full moon was days away. When people try to tell me that my depression is seasonal or because a full moon is coming makes me feel like my feelings are not validated. Second response was telling me about Circadian Rhythms. I'm sorry. What? Isn't that a bug that makes really loud noises in the summer? Nope, that's a Cicada. (I knew that. Really, I did). My work friend lead me to National Institute of General Medical Sciences. Honestly, I don't know that I fully understand Circadian Rhythms. I am still reading a lot about it. It says Circadian Rhythms can affect hormone release, eating habits & digestion, and body temperature. Most common though is the affect on your sleep patterns. 

I have noticed that roughly a week before I start my period, I sleep like shit. I wake up several times a night and I get really bad night sweats. I am 43 years old and fall in the average age range for perimenopause. Is it my hormones? 

Lately, I have felt like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. According to IMDb, the movie is about a guy who finds himself in a time loop and the day keeps repeating until he gets it right. Well, shit. Now I am wondering what I am not getting right. 

I don't know whether it's Circadian Rhythms, perimenopause, or simply not getting it right. What I do know is that I am doing everything I can to figure it out. 

My mind feels unhealthy because it's constantly arguing with itself. It's exhausting in there. 

I feel like I am not dealing with shit. I took a vacation day yesterday. Work has been really stressful and I thought an extra day would just help me decompress. It in fact, did not. I am extremely careful when it comes to taking days off work. I know that at times, it can be harmful to my mental health to have an extra day to be alone. I didn't foresee that coming yesterday. I got off work Thursday evening and it hit me. I wanted to do something Friday. I would have liked to go up to Michigan to an outlet mall. Explore someplace new. I didn't have it in me to drive the 2.5hrs there and back by myself. I made a plan of what I wanted to do Friday. When I woke up Friday, I did not feel any better. But, I was going to power through. I had my morning coffee and got dressed. I started to get extremely anxious as I was getting ready to leave. I pulled out of my garage and sat in the driveway for a few minutes before leaving. 

The more I drove, the more I suppressed my anxiety. I went to Fresh Thyme and picked up a couple of things. I walked around TJ Maxx. I then went to a boutique I really like. I didn't buy anything but the few items at Fresh Thyme. I considered going to a few other places and then realized that I didn't have to do this. I could go home. So I did. 

I got home and started doing some cleaning. I got the cushions out for my patio furniture. Put a few things away in the shed. Started picking up the thousands of sticks in the yard. The cats got to enjoy the sunshine for a while. I jumped in the shower and realized as I was shaving my legs, that my toilet was dripping. The last thing I wanted to do was call my dad because I didn't have the energy to deal with the toilet or pretend I was fine around my dad. I put some towels down and got back in the shower. 

Later, as I sit on the couch, my eyes started watering and then the water works started. It was as if my body couldn't handle anymore pretending. I cried on and off for quite a while. I don't t think the TV series I was watching helped either. HA. 

I went to bed last night and laid there listing everything that I am angry about. I knew today I would have to write. 

I am angry about...

• My health. I had neck surgery over a year ago and I am no better, if not worse. I saw a new pain management doctor on Thursday. I cannot express how much time, money, and energy has been spent on doctors. It drives me crazy missing work for these appointments. My appointment was at 8:30 (arrival time 8:15) and the doctor did not walk into the room until 9:15. I had requested off work until 9:15. I left the room at 9:00 and told the receptionist I had to get to work. She told me I was up next. I went back to the room and waited another 15mins. The doctor came in and says, "You look like you're 21, but you're 43. Did you always look young even when you were a kid?" Me: "I don't know." Doctor: "Well you look good." He goes on to ask me if I have gotten injections before. He then proceeded to ask me if "they" have talked to me about surgery. Me: "Yep. I had surgery." I have an injection scheduled in two weeks. I am not sure if I will be keeping that appointment. I have been in pain for over four years. I am only 43 years old. I should still be able to do chores around the house. I should be able to wash my car. I should be able to pick up sticks without being in pain. I shouldn't wake up multiple times a night because both of my arms are completely asleep because of my neck. I have been having trouble with itchy skin for roughly four months. I have redness on my scalp. I saw a dermatologist a few weeks ago and I have Eczema. The fact that I had multiple injections last year in my neck and low back, could definitely be playing a role she said with the Eczema. 
• Work. I am a really hard worker. I know I am good at my job. I have been doing this for twenty-two years. Somedays though, I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people who do the absolute bare-fucking-minimum. I want that life. HA. I could go to work and watch others bust their ass and get stuck doing some of my work. 
• A boy. I have been pretending for years that I am OK, but I am not. Stop having relationship problems with someone you're not in a relationship with. I have repeated this statement to myself so many times since having read it. I spent so much time and energy picturing a life with someone who never once pictured a life with me. What a fool he must think I am. I think back to the texts I would get saying, "you just popped in my head and wanted to say hi." I now know that I literally did just pop into his head. He didn't think about me the way I thought about him. I tried justifying his actions for a very long time. I felt stupid for feeling like I was being crazy and reacting the way I did at times. I was simply responding to the way I was being treated. I did everything I could. I was patient, understanding, loving, and supportive. I am not angry everyday, but I certainly still have days.  
• Being alone. Nothing consumes me more than the feeling of being alone. Why don't I deserve to find love? What did I do wrong? I feel like I am being punished. I feel forgotten. The sadness sits on my chest and in the bottom of my stomach. It has a permanent spot in my thoughts. I feel such a deep aching sadness that I could never begin to explain exactly what it feels like. 

I know everyday will not feel like this. This past week feels like it just might.