Decades

If you could go back and give your younger self advice, what would you say?

I have this vivid image of me standing outside my childhood home on the day of my high school graduation party. I can't be sure if I remember what I was wearing from memory, or from pictures. I remember it was nice and sunny outside. Most importantly, I recall thinking to myself, I got this thing called life figured out. 

In reality, can you really tell an 18-year-old anything about life? They're not going to listen. I know I wouldn't have listened. 

I have always thought it would be funny to write a book capturing each decade of my life (or our lives).  The premise would be that in our 20's, we think we are untouchable. Invincible. We are in our prime of physical health. Even though we have moved from a job to a career, we still do not have any money. We have a lot of friends. We haven't figured out yet how to let go of relationships of any kind that are not serving us. High school is still in our vocabulary. We think anyone over 40 is old. 

In our 30's, we start making a little more money. High school is now something we reminisce about. Everyone around you is settling down, getting married, and having kids (if not already). Our bodies are changing. We now have aches and pains when we get out of bed in the morning. We start to appreciate staying home on a Friday night. Our circle of friends starts to get smaller. We have started to realize that saying no is OK and not everyone is meant to be in our life. Oh, and anyone over 40 is still old. 

In your 40's, you're starting to finally make some money. Maybe enough to feel comfortable that all of your bills are now set-up on auto pay. Your body has now betrayed you. I hurt everyday all day. You go to bed at the time you used to start getting ready to go out. You no longer can sleep passed 8:00 a.m. Your circle of friends has dwindled down to a handful of friends. You find yourself always saying "yes, let's get together" and yet you never do. Girls nights are no longer spontaneous. After checking with everyones calendars, the first mutual date available is in four weeks. You try to figure out where to go for dinner, but you no longer know the "it" places in town. Dinner has to be no later than 5:00, or you're not going. You have never been happier when plans get canceled. You have found your voice and are comfortable saying no. You have realized that your time is way too important, because guess what? Surprise, you are now old.  Self-care looks different now. You're drinking a lot of water, taking 10 different vitamins, moisturizing, and using sunscreen everyday (I can't believe I used to go to the tanning bed). You now wear shoes that are no longer fashionable, but comfortable. High school was 20+ years ago. Incase I haven't said it yet, SURPRISE, you're old too. 

(That would be the premise for my book. I just don't have the bandwidth to put this all together.) 

For me, the biggest change since turning 40 (I'm 43) is realizing that if I am getting older, so are my parents. I no longer feel untouchable or invincible. We have found ourselves living in a world where mass shootings at schools, churches, malls, concerts, movie theaters, and on the streets we walk are no longer breaking news. We have made it through a pandemic. Congratulations to us!

New Year's Eve is a day to reflect on the past year. It also gives us something to look forward to for the coming year. The past couple of years, I have felt a sigh of relief knowing I made it another year without losing a parent. I then immediately feel anxious going into a new year. 

I don't live in this state of mind everyday. It just brings me back to how much we change from decade to decade. I never had this thought on New Year's Eve when I was in my 20's. 

My best friend lost her mom a few years ago. Two friends I have known since kindergarten have lost a mom and dad. These are parents I knew in grade school because I would have sleepovers at my friend's house. 

A few days ago, my step-mom lost her mom. I didn't see her often, but when I did, she was always kind. I have heard a lot of good stories. I know my dad enjoyed playing cards with her. 

When I am hurting, I call my mom. I called her on my lunch break the day I found out. She picked up and said, "what's up?" I said, "I just wanted to call my mom" and I started crying. Crying for the loss of my step-mom's mom and crying because I was able to call my mom. Yesterday, I was out running errands and texted my mom that I was going to stop over because I had to pee. While that was true, I also just needed to see my mom. She opened the door and I just stood there and she wrapped her arms around me.

When I see my step-mom next, I will wrap my arms around her.