April

I get ideas I want to blog about. But, sometimes I'm not quite sure what exactly I want to say. Or, sometimes I have thoughts running through my mind and blogging helps to get it out of my head. Though sometimes too, those thoughts and feelings subside and I'm thankful I didn't blog about it.  In this instance, I think I'm scared to admit what I wasn't thinking or feeling. Why address feelings and/or thoughts you initially did not have?

As most of you know, Joey passed away on April 30th in 2008. The month of April also consists of Joey's nieces' birthdays (April 15th and April 20th) and our anniversary of the day we met at Piere's (April 18th). For the past six years, I have come to dread the month of April. I am just in a bad mood and down. While the birthdays are something to celebrate, they do make me sad because these two nieces in particular are the ones that were born when Joey and I first met, so I came to know them very well.  I don't usually think much about the day that Joey died, but for some reason when April 30th rolls around, I replay the whole day in my head. That I have blogged about and you can read it here (three years).

April 1st rolled around this year and I didn't wake up feeling how I normally would have. I thought perhaps it was because I had my trip to California to look forward to.  When the 15th rolled around, I actually forgot about the birthday.  On the 18th, I was in California. I thought about our anniversary maybe once or twice, but I didn't dwell on it. The 20th rolled around and I did remember that birthday.

Then came the 30th. I remember waking up for work and I didn't realize what day it was until either I saw it on my phone or my watch. But, I got this overwhelming feeling -- relief that I wasn't dwelling on the day and guilt that I wasn't dwelling on the day. I got through most of the day without thinking much about it. At one point, my sister even texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted her and said surprisingly well. Again, guilt set in.

So, what does this mean? Is my grieving over? How will I feel next year?

What I do know is that I think about Joey everyday. I think about him interacting with new friends I've made. I think about what our relationship might be if he were still here. I wonder how he'd be feeling if he were still here. I think about him interacting with the nieces and nephews he didn't get to meet and how much they are missing out not knowing him.

I would much rather have these thoughts and feelings than those of being sad and replaying probably the worst day of my life. I just don't want Joey to ever think that I've forgotten about him.

I guess that's why our t-shirts say "Always Loved, Never Forgotten."