Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
I have two conversations I'd like to have. I've wrote a few blogs about what happened with me, Carlos (Joey's best friend), and his wife, Dana. I don't care to have a conversation with Dana. I'd like to punch her in the throat. But, I don't want to speak to her. I'd like Carlos to acknowledge that what his wife did was wrong. (Short version -- accusing me of wanting her husband.) I never expected him to choose our friendship over his marriage and family. I just want him to acknowledge that what she did was wrong. How he handled it was wrong. And, that he broke his promise to me that he'd always be there for me after Joey passed. I guess what really gets me with this is that the day of Joey's funeral (and I'm sure I've mentioned this before in prior blogs), she got mad because she thought Carlos was flirting with my girlfriends. Yep, Dana. You're right. He was flirting with my girlfriends on the day of his best friend's funeral. After the funeral, we all went over to Joey's parents' house. Carlos called me and said they were not coming and then that's when he told me why -- because they were fighting. So, this was something she's accused him of before and then was accusing me of doing. When I first met Dana, I was not a fan. But, over time, we became really close. She was like one of my best friends. I loved going over to their house and watching football and movies. I would babysit their girls. Dana and I went shopping. She stayed at my house one night when her and Carlos were fighting. Aside from her making up lies and accusing me of something that I did not feel, I was hurt that she took that friendship away from me. I know holding onto this anger is not healthy. I'm really trying to work on letting it go and forgiving them.
The second conversation I'd like to have with someone is Will. Will was another guy I had met online. This was between 2005 - 2007 that we met. He lived in New York and we talked every single day. He flew out once to visit me. The second time, he drove out to visit me. In 2010, Will had asked me to go out and see him during St. Patrick's Day week. I really want to clarify that he asked me to come out. So, I used my Christmas money and got a plane ticket. At the time, I was unemployed. But, all I had to do was get the plane ticket. Obviously, I had a place to stay while I was out there. I was to fly out of Chicago on a Saturday and return on either that following Saturday or Sunday. I felt weird about the whole trip before I even left. He didn't seem to be excited about my coming out. Before, when he had visited me, we had counted down the days. Oh, and I would say from the time I bought my ticket until the time I was to leave was a little over a month. So, I get to Chicago that Saturday and apparently the weather in New York was ridiculous -- windy and raining uncontrollably. My flight was canceled so I had to get a hotel room that night. Again, his lack of interest in my flight being delayed had me worried. But, I just kept telling myself it was nothing. Sunday, my flight left on time and I flew directly to New York. He was waiting for me at the airport. He drove me downtown to see Times Square and then we drove to his house. I knew he was going to have to work so I knew I'd be at his house alone some of the time. His daughter at the time was in the hospital for something (I forget). That's why I had just kind of put his lack of enthusiasm off to the side because I figured he was preoccupied. Monday came and he got up and went to work. He did nothing to make sure I had stuff to eat or drink. I got up and went for a walk and found a little restaurant. I walked back to his house and showered. He had came home and was going to go to the hospital. I forget what time he got home that evening. Tuesday, he got up and went to work again. This whole time, he's barely speaking to me and I'm afraid to really ask what is going on. Tuesday, I'm sitting outside on his porch and he sends me a BBM (Blackberry message). In short, he gave me the number for a taxi, his address to give to the taxi company, and what train(s) to take to get downtown where I could then find myself a hotel room. He said that his daughter was sick, but she was leaving the hospital and that her and her mom would be coming to stay with him because they couldn't go back to her house (I think because of pets or something and the allergies). I remember calmly getting up and walking inside (mind you, I never responded to him) and I found my plane ticket and I called the airline and then my calmness subsided. I told the gentlemen who answered the phone to do whatever he could to get me on a flight home that day. I called my dad and said you'll need to leave for Chicago, I'm coming home. By this time, I'm shaking because I'm so upset and I'm crying. I call the cab company and tell them to come pick me up in a half hour. Cost of the cab? $80.00 from his house to LaGuardia Airport (awesome). I pack my shit up. Put on some shoes and stand outside his house waiting for the taxi. Skipping a head, I get off the plane in Chicago and I had several BBM's from Will asking if I had figured out the trains or something to that effect. I don't quite remember. Still I didn't respond to him. I remember getting out of the car and walking up to McDonald's with my dad and my phone rings from a number I don't know. I answered it and it was a friend of Will's saying he had been trying to get a hold of me. I said, tell him I left. The guy was like you left? I said, yep. Tell him I'm already home and I hung up. I never did respond to his first BBM. I never told him I was leaving. Still to this day, I'm SO surprised I just left. It was the right choice, but I'm still so surprised I never responded to him. I never had a desire to. So, I was in New York from Sunday until Tuesday.
I have no idea what happened because I've not spoken to him since. I don't know if his daughter was really sick. I don't know if maybe he was back dating this girl and he didn't realize it was going to happen from the time he told me to fly out until the time came for me to go see him. I have absolutely NO idea what happened. None. It just always amazed me that after all the times we spoke via text message and email from the time we woke up until the time we went to bed, that I truly did not know who he was. I realize it was a long distance friendship. But, I thought I knew him. And, in the end, I didn't. I can't say for sure what type of conversation I would like to have with him. In this moment, I don' t know if I even want to know the truth. I think after all these years, I'm finally over it (even though it may not sound like I am). Again, I have a really hard time forgiving people and letting things go. This was the second time I've had a really hard time forgiving someone. Now, I'm working on my third (Carlos and Dana).
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